NotProud.com

That's the best one ever!

I did a search for "cucumber" in the Lust section...

Quote:

02/28/2001 at 21:21:06
When my husband and I were first dating, we were at a family reunion at his parents house. I got horny and started to rub his cock. He got so horny he wanted to fuck me right there but the only place there was noone was out in the front yard. We took some food out there and told people we were going to have a little "alone time" so people left us alone. When we got out there my husband layed me on the ground and sucked my pussy until I came 5 TIMES!!! After he was done I sucked him off over and over until he couldn't stand it any longer. Just as we were done a female friend came over and told us she knew what we were doing. I was so mortified!! But then she asked my husband if she could fuck me with a cucumber. he said yes and held my hands while I got the best fucking of my life. Now she cums over 3 or 4 times a week and "plays" with us.

from the lust confessions

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03/01/2001 at 15:32:10
did i mention i am 23 and my girl also drove a cucumber up my pussy?

from the lust confessions

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04/23/2004 at 17:21:05
I couldn't wait for my fiancee to get home, and I don't have a vibrator so I confess that I used the cucumber that was supposed to go in the salad at dinner to get myself off. I came so damn hard and so damn fast!

from the lust confessions

Quote:

01/03/2001 at 18:58:24

I dream of making John Linnell and John Flansburgh of the band They Might Be Giants each take one of my testicles in their mouths and then pull. I've tried this with my two dogs, taping my glasses onto one of them, but it doesn't work.

Quote:

05/28/2004 at 14:32:17

I had this really hot blonde girlfriend. She asked me to fuck her really hard one night. I did. She pooped on me.

Is anyone else getting a blank screen when they go to the 'Confess' page on the site? I assume there's supposed to be a post box there, but I don't get one.

Quote:

07/05/2004 at 22:57:08

im a virgin white teen. i want to loose my virginity to some black chick. i was to bang her ass and her pussy. i love black people. i dont know any black people but i want to fuck one so bad. im jacking off right now to black orgy's. hell im not gay and often find myself wacking it to black dudes cause they have 9 feet dicks. never would do anything gay, makes me sick to think about it. but seeing a nude black dude gets me off almost as much as black slut ladies.

Quote:

07/04/2004 at 16:23:46

Every time i am fucking my boyfriend, i think of my girlfriend.

Quote:

TK-069 said:
Is anyone else getting a blank screen when they go to the 'Confess' page on the site? I assume there's supposed to be a post box there, but I don't get one.

Its not working for me either.

Quote:

rex said:
Quote:

TK-069 said:
Is anyone else getting a blank screen when they go to the 'Confess' page on the site? I assume there's supposed to be a post box there, but I don't get one.

Its not working for me either.

you gotta pick a topic after clicking on the confess page.

Duh. I should change my name to stupid rex.

Quote:

I say I don't like him, but I do. I think about him constantly, I hate it when he flirts with online girls he knows. Before, I used to make it pretty damn obvious that I liked him. Innuendos? I guess. I'm not ugly, I suppose I'm average... oh well.

Cowgirl, if you really like me, just tell me!

Quote:

TK-069 said:
Cowgirl, if you really like me, just tell me!

Quote:

I say I don't like him, but I do. I think about him constantly, I hate it when he flirts with online girls he knows. Before, I used to make it pretty damn obvious that I liked him. Innuendos? I guess. I'm not ugly, I suppose I'm average... oh well.

-Brian A. Ortiz

Damn. I was wondering about the abundance of muscles 'she" recently got...

Quote:

07/13/2004 at 09:33:30

I ate McDonalds for breakfast, taco bell for lunch and wendy's for dinner. I ate half a box of ritz crackers but tried to make myself feel better telling myself it was ok cause they were whole wheat.

This sounds like something I would do.

Quote:

07/07/2004 at 22:16:24

Well, after over a year of planning it, I finally got to fuck my wife's sister. On Independence Day, our family's got together at our house and everyone else went to church but her (I never go). I wondered why it was that she didn't go and I'm still not sure. I brought her another cup of coffee to the couch, and after placing it on the coffee table, I knealt down in front of her, then leaned up for a kiss. She responded ny shoving her tongue into my mouth. After kissing her a while and rubbing her nice, big tits, I took her hand and led her to my wife's and my bedroom. I removed her blouse and released those huge tits from her bra. She started going wild as I sucked her nipples, so I got out of the bed and closed the windows. I wondered how long it would be before they all returned and started to get a little scared, but she grabbed me by the cock and pulled me back into bed. I returned to her breasts, but this time I started to rub her clit with my middle finger. She started to moan and buck, so I slid my finger into her soaking wet pussy, arcing it towards her belly, trying to hit her g-spot. I must have hit it, because see let out a big sigh and then a loud moan. My hand was starting to get wet, so I knew she was ready, and I had to hurry things along. I placed my knees on either side of her body and walked up to her, my cock arching and aching for her mouth. Much to my disappointment, she gave a terrible blow job. I didn't think it was possible to get a bad one, but I was. She looks so sexy, I thought that I was going to get the best cock-sucking of my life. In any event, I knew that there wasn't time to teach her, so I slid back down the bed and spread her legs. Even though she sucked at blow-jobs, my cock was still throbbing and ready. Turns out she's a lousy fuck, too. My wife gets much more excited when I fuck her, and if you can't get excited fucking your in-law while your family and you in-law's family are at church, I don't think that there's much hope. Thankfully, her pussy was nice and tight and I got it all wet when finger-fucking her, so I was able to cum. I pulled my cock out and layed it on her belly and then pulled her tits together to form a wall. I shot stream after stream of hot jism all over her belly and the bottom of her tits, squeezing out the last drops onto her snatch hair. Then I hopped out of bed and hurried to the bathroom to get a towel. First I wiped her pussy juices off of my cock, and then I cleaned all of the cum off of her tits, belly and pussy. We both quickly got dressed, and I ran out to the car and hid the towel in my trunk. When I got back into the house, she was back on the couch and, just as if nothing had happened, I brought her a fresh cup of coffee. The bad news is that I took a big risk and finally got to fuck my sister-in-law and it was aweful. Now I have the guilt of what I have done, and I don't know how to handle it next time I see her. I have absolutely no interest in fucking her again. I really don't even want to see her again. The good news is now I realize what a good cock-sucker my wife is, and how easy she is to please, and how well she pleases me. If only I could find a way to take back having fucked her sister.

FAKE!

he should have posted that at fanfiction.net

Quote:

07/14/2004 at 14:05:52

i am obsessed with a famous musician...i want to have the dirtiest roughest sex possible with him.

Stareena loves her a little David Lee Roth every now and then!

Quote:

07/14/2004 at 10:58:30

The first woman I ever whacked off to was Vanessa Williams in her infamous Penthouse spread.

Quote:

07/13/2004 at 22:31:05

My foot was accidentally used to pleasure a woman once. We were sleeping in a large tent with other people, our bodies perpendicular to one another. I woke up in the middle of the night 'cause I felt my leg being pulled and noticed half-asleep that my right foot was nestled 'tween said woman's thighs! Dat's right! My five little piggies were visiting her little man in the boat! She was moaning softly and everything.Morning came, and she woke up pretty damn chipper. If only we were sleeping parallel...

Quote:

TK-069 said:
Quote:

07/07/2004 at 22:16:24

Well, after over a year of planning it, I finally got to fuck my wife's sister. On Independence Day, our family's got together at our house and everyone else went to church but her (I never go). I wondered why it was that she didn't go and I'm still not sure. I brought her another cup of coffee to the couch, and after placing it on the coffee table, I knealt down in front of her, then leaned up for a kiss. She responded ny shoving her tongue into my mouth. After kissing her a while and rubbing her nice, big tits, I took her hand and led her to my wife's and my bedroom. I removed her blouse and released those huge tits from her bra. She started going wild as I sucked her nipples, so I got out of the bed and closed the windows. I wondered how long it would be before they all returned and started to get a little scared, but she grabbed me by the cock and pulled me back into bed. I returned to her breasts, but this time I started to rub her clit with my middle finger. She started to moan and buck, so I slid my finger into her soaking wet pussy, arcing it towards her belly, trying to hit her g-spot. I must have hit it, because see let out a big sigh and then a loud moan. My hand was starting to get wet, so I knew she was ready, and I had to hurry things along. I placed my knees on either side of her body and walked up to her, my cock arching and aching for her mouth. Much to my disappointment, she gave a terrible blow job. I didn't think it was possible to get a bad one, but I was. She looks so sexy, I thought that I was going to get the best cock-sucking of my life. In any event, I knew that there wasn't time to teach her, so I slid back down the bed and spread her legs. Even though she sucked at blow-jobs, my cock was still throbbing and ready. Turns out she's a lousy fuck, too. My wife gets much more excited when I fuck her, and if you can't get excited fucking your in-law while your family and you in-law's family are at church, I don't think that there's much hope. Thankfully, her pussy was nice and tight and I got it all wet when finger-fucking her, so I was able to cum. I pulled my cock out and layed it on her belly and then pulled her tits together to form a wall. I shot stream after stream of hot jism all over her belly and the bottom of her tits, squeezing out the last drops onto her snatch hair. Then I hopped out of bed and hurried to the bathroom to get a towel. First I wiped her pussy juices off of my cock, and then I cleaned all of the cum off of her tits, belly and pussy. We both quickly got dressed, and I ran out to the car and hid the towel in my trunk. When I got back into the house, she was back on the couch and, just as if nothing had happened, I brought her a fresh cup of coffee. The bad news is that I took a big risk and finally got to fuck my sister-in-law and it was aweful. Now I have the guilt of what I have done, and I don't know how to handle it next time I see her. I have absolutely no interest in fucking her again. I really don't even want to see her again. The good news is now I realize what a good cock-sucker my wife is, and how easy she is to please, and how well she pleases me. If only I could find a way to take back having fucked her sister.

FAKE!

I bet the guy found the site in his wife's bookmark and posted that to make her feel good.

Quote:

Not proud said:
Once when my girl was giving me head, i slapped her across the face with it, just for the hell of it. She got pissed so i said it was on accident. I figure the world needs guys like me, you know.... to test the boundaries.

Quote:

Not proud said:
i ate a sex baby whilst drunk on tiger love. i didnt think that an envious slut toad would reek vegeance on true touch but love strong pulled through and saved ringers strike partner. shame.

Quote:

Originally posted by Not Proud:
i like my eyebrows

Ah, the decadence of pride...

BOR-RING!

Your suspicions were well founded, TK:

Quote:

He was right. I do love the dog more that I loved him.

Quote:

Stupid Dogg said:
I farted the other day. It turned into a monster. A monster made entirely of mist, not unlike what a vampire would look like after transforming into a mist, yet this was a green fart mist, and caused instant death to those unlucky enough to encounter it. I feel incredibly guilty about the fart monster I manifested. Not even the mustard gas used in trench warfare during the first world war caused as horrible a death as my fart monster. If you see it, please cover your mouth and nose, and make any possible attempt to disperse it by turning on a ceiling fan.

HEY! That's my comic! I'm fuckin' FAMOUS!

It's probably the disgruntled spirit of the last man you let live in your ass. What do I tell you, Acorn? Keep it partly open to get a good amount of air in. People can't live breathin' off of methane!

Quote:

notproud.com said:
Today I ate a whole bag of tostidos ad a jar of cheesy salsa spread...basically spicy cheeze whiz. To top it off I am drinking Ouzo (which is like Lambardo or Sambuca) Now my farts smell like rotting eggs and they make my eyes water, I'm going to bed so I can fart in peace.

This is stil one of my all time favorite threads.

Quote:

Not Proud.com said:

"Both the Indian girls that I had took it up the ass! I was tempted to yell Geronimo but good manners prevailed."

Holy shit. They made a book. I need it now.

Quote:

02/27/2004 at 22:56:46

i kissed some kids balls when i was young....i didnt no it was wrong,but now i do

Quote:

08/19/2005 at 14:51:32

Uh, remember that time we had anal sex by accident. It really wasn't an accident on my part.

Quote:

03/09/2005 at 15:14:36

I found my husband looking for women to have sex with on a porn site. I was so pissed off I contacted the police and told them his has child porn on his computer. They will be talking with him soon. Once in jail he won't need a girlfriend cuz he will be one.

Heh.

I just read part of a rape confession. Probably someone typing a fantasy, but still fucked up.

Quote:

12/29/2000 at 10:05:45

Right before I step off of an elevator crowded with strangers, I like to cut a nice, loud, gaseous, suffocating fart. I have done this numerous times and it makes me feel giddy.

i forgot how funny this site was

Quote:

Not Proud.com said:
One time when me and my girlfriend were talking in the shower I suddenly had to pee so I asked her if I could pee on her. She said no, so when she turned to rinse her hair I did it anyway.

Quote:

Not Proud.com said:
I ate an entire jar of dill pickles yesterday and now my pee smells like easter egg dye.

they got my letter!

vinegar pee!

Quote:

Im Not Mister Mxypltk said:
Quote:

12/29/2000 at 10:05:45

Right before I step off of an elevator crowded with strangers, I like to cut a nice, loud, gaseous, suffocating fart. I have done this numerous times and it makes me feel giddy.

me too

Quote:

Rob Kamphausen said:
vinegar pee!

Makes piss and vinegar a bit redundant I feel!

well played, sammitch

yeah?

They stopped accepting submissions. $\:-\[$

Damnit. That was one of the greatest sites ever.

i wish you could still read through them, at least $\:\($

I've seen some copycat sites but you have to use a screen name. I guess too many people were posting other people's stuff.

http://www.fmylife.com/ is a pretty good secondary

http://www.fmylife.com/sex/966967
Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

Originally Posted By: Rob Kamphausen

http://www.fmylife.com/ is a pretty good secondary

that's one I remember seeing but I couldn't remember the URL.

http://www.fmylife.com/sex/797956
Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML

Here's another shameful one

Most of it is so bad its unreadable.

http://www.fmylife.com/sex/657760
Today, my over-protective mom decided to do a blacklight test on my room to make sure I wasn't doing the naughty in my bed. The bed was clean. My face wasn't. FML

http://www.fmylife.com/sex/338369
Today, I was trying to register for a porn site. I secretly took my father's credit card, but all I got back was a "this credit card is already in use." FML

http://www.fmylife.com/sex/300638
Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She proceeded to ask, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

here you go, pal

http://www.fmylife.com/sex/278783
Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

HA!!

He says inadvertently, but we all know the truth.

That spider was asking for it....all those legs and stuff.

Today, it was my second day of work as a promoter for a glasses company. After 2 hours of work I was told I had quadrupled sales in their glasses shop. Feeling chuffed with myself I almost danced out of the shop knocking over a huge shelf full of glasses. The glasses will cost over £1,400 to replace. FML

It's odd that all of those happened today. It has be like the worst day EVER.

Some sound quite the manufactured joke...

for sure

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

http://textsfromlastnight.com/

(720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

LOL! 720 is ...shit, Denver? or Fort Collins.

OR MAYBE I'M TIRED AND HAVE NO IDEA.

(631): k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.

Snarf?

(216): I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
(1-216): It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
(216): He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.

(219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

(760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

(617): Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.

(302): I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
(1-302): You mean inside out.
(302): No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

Originally Posted By: Uschi

(760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

That one needs pictures.

Originally Posted By: Uschi

(760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

Uschi?

Originally Posted By: Uschi

(617): Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.

Originally Posted By: thedoctor

This is the second best one so far:

Quote:

I work as an auditor with the federal government. I get paid 80k/year, get great benefits, 6 weeks of vacation, 18 paid holidays, and as much personal time as I can think up reasons to use (last year I took personal time to grieve for the death of a great uncle -- I did my grieving while scuba diving in Costa Rica). The best part is, when I'm at work , I dont really do anything. I close my door and download crap off the internet. Sometimes I even sleep. I use a government SUV as my own ride. Once during a performance review, they suggested that I was not doing my fair share. I threatened to get a lawyer and they backed down. The best part is YOUR paying for it!

That isn't me. I swear.

Originally Posted By: Uschi

$\:lol\:$ that's cleveland!

PENISSA

(713): Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
(713): I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
(832): Texas should really raise its teaching standards.

NOWHEREMAN!

(773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.

(323): You got in a fight last night?
(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Snarf!

(734): those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
(269): ...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...

Originally Posted By: Uschi

HA!

(479): Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

(404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
(1-404): haha good one..how did you even know?
(404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.