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*The camera opens upon the bingo hall formerly known as the ECW arena. JJoey SStylles and Paul Hyman are in the ring as the crowd begins to chant "Welcome back!" After a moment of acknowledgement, SStylles and Hyman head to the announce positions as the ECW theme begins.
Theory9 (0%, 0 Votes)
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LLance (10%, 2 Votes)
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Drzsmith (24%, 5 Votes)
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Franta (5%, 1 Votes)
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Roy Batty (0%, 0 Votes)
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Bsams (0%, 0 Votes)
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2 Old Scorpius (10%, 2 Votes)
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Vagiri (0%, 0 Votes)
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A G Wednesday (10%, 2 Votes)
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PenWing (19%, 4 Votes)
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Chris Jerkio (5%, 1 Votes)
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Kid Rash (0%, 0 Votes)
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Hedgehog Jack (0%, 0 Votes)
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Rook (0%, 0 Votes)
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I-Man (0%, 0 Votes)
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Bibbo (0%, 0 Votes)
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John Krokus (0%, 0 Votes)
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Perry Jupiter (0%, 0 Votes)
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Moostafa (0%, 0 Votes)
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New Crack (0%, 0 Votes)
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Captain Howdy (19%, 4 Votes)
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The Gimpact Gayers (Justnot Credible, LLance Shower) w/Jizzon & Fawn Marie (24%, 5 Votes)
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The Timelords (thedoctor, themaster) (76%, 16 Votes)
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The Dud Boys (Derek, Bobby Ray, Prick) (11%, 2 Votes)
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The Monkey World Order (Da Monkey Guy, Big Johnny Evil, Chevy Nova) (89%, 17 Votes)
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Kummonme Wannabangme (16%, 3 Votes)
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Erectra (21%, 4 Votes)
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Stoolah Mcgilliturdy (11%, 2 Votes)
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Fawn Marie (32%, 6 Votes)
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Sammi Lynn Bitch (5%, 1 Votes)
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Rancine (16%, 3 Votes)
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Tommy Sleeper (30%, 6 Votes)
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Papa Joe (70%, 14 Votes)
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The Sandleman (45%, 9 Votes)
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Chris Oakley (55%, 11 Votes)
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Rob Blackandblue (XPW) (25%, 5 Votes)
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Paul Hyman (ECW) (75%, 15 Votes)
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Rob Van Dyke & Scabu (20%, 4 Votes)
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The Hellions (Champs) (80%, 16 Votes)
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Prince Snarf (70%, 14 Votes)
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Terry Skunk (0%, 0 Votes)
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"The Frankfurter" Dane Douglas (15%, 3 Votes)
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Hippo (Champ) (15%, 3 Votes)
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Hoot n toot Guerererererererererera (30%, 6 Votes)
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Stupid Crazy (35%, 7 Votes)
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Sickosis (25%, 5 Votes)
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Gey Misterho (10%, 2 Votes)
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Lieutenant Sammitch (75%, 15 Votes)
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Spaz (25%, 5 Votes)
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Malls Balloney (52%, 11 Votes)
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The Madman says: "that's fucked up. that ain't right."
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**The crowd boos loudly and bitterly as 'The Beautiful People' plays over the PA speakers and Rob Blackandblue comes out to the ring with mic in hand and wearing an "I Own RDCW's Ass!" baseball cap on his head.**
Now,before I get to the main reason why I'm here tonight--namely,the complete destruction of that fat little toad Paul Hyman--I've got a few things to say about RDCW.If anybody there thinks they can stop me from taking it over and doing any fucking thing I want with it,they're dead wrong!Who's gonna stop me....Louie Bastardo?I ran him out of California years ago.Sweet Willie Williams?I've got friends in Texas who could buy and sell his crummy little excuse for a ranch a hundred times over.
**The boos get louder.**
Oh,I suppose you think those nerds in SD-6 can take me down?Let's see if you still believe that after the Journeymen lay a little Kryptonite on 'em!And Ian Bond?What a joke--that shithead limey couldn't carry my briefcase.Same goes for the collection of washouts he has the nerve to call a stable,especially that disrespectful little punk Chris Oakley;fact is,the only reason Oakley has the XPW world title right now is because biased RDCW referees handed it to him on a silver plate!And I'm going to prove it by sending my main man Darien Irons to bring the title back to XPW where it belongs!
**Blackandblue gestures towards the locker room area...**
Follow the money,baby!
RDCW's going down!
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and is quite surprised when Paul Hyman appears, mic in hand.
PH: "Hold it, hold it, hold it! This isn't Rob's Damn Wrestling. This isn't Billionaire Vince's Worst Wrestling Ever. And this sure as hell isn't Xtremely Pissy Wrestling."
JJoey SStylles: "He's got that right!
*Big pop from the ECW audience.
PH: "This is EVIL CUNT WRESTLING!"
PH: "Rob, no one cares about your little feuds with Louie Bastardo or Timmy the Shoeshine Boy, or Alex the Transexual Crackwhore. Oh, excuse me, I meant to say Lizzie Boring, the Transexual Crackwhore."
*Crowd chants ECW! ECW! ECW!
PH: "The only thing anyone here cares about is watching me kick your ass in the Porno Theatre Free For All later tonight here at ONE NIGHT STAND! So if you don't mind, as I said to your darling Lizzie yesterday, since you seem to be finished down there, get the hell out of my house, bitch!"
Fuck Vinnie Mac!
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I Am Groot 5000+ posts
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I Am Groot 5000+ posts
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Rob blows his stack and is about to charge the ring when "Rooster" blasts from the PA speakers;Rob turns toward the curtains at the end of the aisle and is dismayed to see new XPW world heavyweight champion Chris Oakley walking towards him with manager Ian Bond at his side.Chris is holding the XPW world title belt in one hand and a spray can of Raid in the other...
Ian:Good evening,Mr.Hyman.
Huge pops from the crowd.
Chris:I was getting ready for my Guantanamo cage match against Sandalman later tonight when Ian came to the locker room and told me you were having a little pest control problem...so I thought I'd help you get rid of the pest.
Camera zooms in on the can of Raid in Chris' hand;a piece of paper inscribed with the words "Rob-B-Gone" has been taped over the regular Raid logo.Massive pops from the crowd again.Rob looks around for somebody to bail him out of the mess he's gotten himself into but doesn't find anyone;then,just when it seems like his problems can't get any worse,"Turning Japanese" starts to play over the speakers....
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*And the Sandleman jumps out of the crowd and immediately begins beating Oakley down with his singapore cane. Hyman and Blackandblue rush for cover, still shouting threats at each other as the Sandleman cracks open a beer on his own skull to the delight of the Evil Cunt Wrestling fans!
Sandleman dumps a beer on Oakley and whacks Ian Bond for good measure as well, spitting beer in the Brit's face.
The crowd erupts into a furious ECW! ECW! ECW! chant as the Sandleman leaves the arena.
Fuck Vinnie Mac!
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Nuriko enters the ring area, accompanied by Two-Ton Tommy. She sees Chris and Ian lying on the floor.
What has happened here? I leave for a few weeks, and all hell breaks loose! Who is this ECW person and what does he want with us?
I am not happy! When I return to the ring next month, I will see that this ECW has been severely dealt with! And as for you, Lizzie Boring, whoever you are, I am not afraid of you! You want me? Come and get me, bitch!
Suddenly, entering the ring is . . .
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*The lights go out, replaced by a red glow, and Darth rises from beneath the stage as the "Imperial March" blasts over the speakers. He walks down the ramp and enters the ring. Two-Ton Tommy steps between him and Nuriko, but Darth is in a rage, and he grabs Tommy by the throat, lifts him up, walks to the ropes, and sends him out of the ring with a Sabre Slam. Nuriko slips out the other side, and helps her bodyguard back up the ramp. Darth then turns to find Oakley and Bond escaping through the crowd. Darth exits the ring and follows them, disappearing into the back.*
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*The stomping beat of "We Will Rock You" blasts over the speakers and the fans roar to their feet and sing along as PenWing, with the Big Cheese Belt around his waist and his Sherwood in hand makes his way to the ring.*
Buddy you're a boy make a big noise
Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on yo' face
You big disgrace
Kickin' your can all over the place
Singin'
'We will we will rock you'
'We will we will rock you'
Everybody
'We will we will rock you'
'We will we will rock you'
Alright
PenWing: Now that's an entrance! I never thought I'd be rooting for a Company man, but Darth, if you don't finish Oakley off back there, I will! I'm tired of all of this upstaging shit. Tonight isn't about SD-6. It's not about the Family Business. It's not about the Bond Brigade. Hell, it's not even about the Big Cheese Belt! In fact, the only reason the RDCW is involved in this event, is because so many of our wrestlers started with Evil Cunt Wrestling, and World's Worst Wrestling was too stupid to capitalize on it and bring all of this talent together at once. And the reason we're all here, is for you, the fans!
*Huge pop from the crowd.*
PenWing: I am in awe of what we will be seeing tonight. How long has it been since the Timelords stepped in the ring together? And then there are the Hellions! And that's just to name a few! And me? I get to be a part of this! It's like a dream for a kid like me! In just a few minutes, I'm going to be participating in the Junkyard Invitational. When I signed up for this match, I had no idea what it was. I figured, if I was good enough to be a Hardcore Porn Champion, I could compete in this. Turns out, it's a battle royal, and it's probably going to get very bloody. But don't worry, I've got my trusty Sherwood in hand, and, well, I know where to find more.
*The crowd chuckles at PenWing's comment.*
PenWing: Tonight, this is definately a dream for me. But for you, Chris Oakley, it's going to be a nightmare. You crossed the line, Oakers. You put a member of SD-6 in danger, and you did it to further your own personal war. Let me make this simple. I don't care about XPW. I don't care about Rod Blueballs and his bitch, Lezzie Barwhore. I don't care that you're a face, united with us in a war against the Family Business. Tonight, it's not about...family. Tonight, it's just about business! And believe me, Oakers, this business of ours, it's just getting started! You see, Oakers, you made a big mistake when you came to the RDCW. You didn't read the rules. Oh, sure, you glanced over the contract, but you had no idea what you were signing. So I'm going to spell it out for you. Now pay attention! The rules of the game are simple. And everyone knows them!
*The crowd cheers, expecting PenWing to lead them in the chant, but he pauses.*
PenWing: (almost in a whisper) You want a war, Oakers? All right. I'm going to end this once and for all. Even though you lost your MOD Tournament match, I'm going to give you your dream shot. In two weeks, I'm going to give you...Rage in a Cage II. (raises his voice) You and me, Oakers. One-on-one. And when I'm through with you, and your bloody carcass is lying on the floor of the ring, there won't be an XPW Championship anymore. Because it will be consumed by the Big Cheese Belt! Wiped off the face of the Earth, just like XPW, when Paul Hyman kills it tonight! If it's war you want, Oakers, you better believe you're going to get it! Because, anytime, anywhere, (the crowd chants) SUDDEN DEATH RULES!
*The crowd roars as "Gonna Fly Now" blasts over the speakers and PenWing leaves the ring.*
<sub>Will Eisner's last work - The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of ZionRDCW Profile"Well, as it happens, I wrote the damned SOP," Illescue half snarled, "and as of now, you can bar those jackals from any part of this facility until Hell's a hockey rink! Is that perfectly clear?!" - Dr. Franz Illescue - Honor Harrington: At All Costs"I don't know what I'm do, or how I do, I just do." - Alexander Ovechkin</sub>
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Inglourious Basterd!!! 15000+ posts
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Inglourious Basterd!!! 15000+ posts
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PenWing is halfway up the ramp when his music cuts out with what sounds like a needle being dragged across an album. He stops and "Ecstacy Of Gold" plays. The fans start chanting "Papa Joe!!!" as Joe Mama, duffel bag in hand, steps out onto the ramp. He walks down to the ring, pausing only to stare at PenWing for a moment and say something to him. He grabs a microphone from JJoey SStyles, high-fives him, and then enters the ring.
JM: PenWing, you might want to stay there for a minute. You'll want to hear this!
Turns to the ECW crowd.
JM: Hold on...don't go chanting yet! We need to do this up right!
Joe Mama opens the duffel bag and pulls out what looks like a pillow, which he straps to his chest and stomach, making him look a bit fatter. Then he pulls out a Hawaiian shirt which he puts on. A moment to slick back his hair, and the transformation is complete: Joe Mama is now Papa Joe. The crowd erupts with chants of "PAPA JOE!!!" and "HOLY SHIT!!!" Papa Joe is in character, but can't hold back the smile.
Papa Joe: How you doin'?!? The Iron Guinea is HERE, and he has a few things to say!!!
The crowd is going nuts!
PJ: Back before there was a Papa Joe, there was a kid, just out of college, who signed a contract with Billionaire Vince. His gimmick? I was to be the long-lost son of Mama Cass or Mama Cass reincarnated (Hell, I don't remember) - "Papa Cass". The East Coast Hammer was the "Ham Sammitch Slam".
He shakes his head at the memory as the crowd chants "Fuck Vince!!!"
PJ: I'm sure you all know what happened after that. That's right: nothing. I was buried. I rarely even wrestled in dark matches. I was a man forgotten, so I asked out of my contract. Vince was more than willing to let me go, so I went back to Boston and slowly got more bitter...and fatter.
Next thing I know, I get a call from Nowhereman. "Is this Papa CUNT...I mean, Cass?!?" he asks me. He tells me he want to sign me to ECW. He's got some great ideas for me (Fuck, had I heard THAT before!!!). He'll make me a front-line wrestler again. What do I say?
I tell him I don't wanna get screwed over. I tell him I'm not doing "Papa Cass" and fuck him if he wants me to. He tells me about being "Papa Joe" and how it'll give Vince the big "fuck you". I tell him I'm interested, but I'm weighing in at about 280. He tells me that's no problem and get my ass to the ECW Arena to sign the fucking contract. Which I did. And I never looked back.
Let me tell you fans something: I fucking LOVED my time with ECW! They worked my ass off! I was building the ring, wrestling in it, then taking it down! I got healthier, I got thinner, and I learned what TRUE wrestling was! My feud with Tommy Sleeper was a highlight in my career. So, when Nowhereman approached me about this Reunion, I told him I'd be here, just name the time and place!
Every wrestler you fans are going to see tonight is here to say Thank You for your support! Every wrestler here owes a HUGE debt to you ECW fans! From the bottom of my heart, thank all of you for being here! Thank you for being the best fucking fans on the face of this earth!!!
The crowd is chanting "ECW"!!!
Papa Joe turns and faces PenWing.
PJ: Now, PenWing, you and I have some business on the horizon that we WILL finish! But let me say this now: You go into that Junkyard Battle Royale, and you kick some ASS!!! You get in there and WIN the whole fucking thing!!!
Some of the crowd is now chanting "PenWing!!!" PenWing acknowledges the fans and Papa Joe. The two competitors point to each other, nodding.
PJ: And, when this Rage In A Cage II DOES take place, know that you won't have to worry about any interference from Family Busines! If Chris Oakley and the XPW want to try and steal ECW's thunder, they can damn well feel its wrath!!!
The crowd starts booing that the mention of XPW...
PJ: Now if you'll excuse me, I have a match to prepare for! I'm fixin' to make Tommy Sleeper BLEED!!!
"Ecstacy Of Gold" plays. Papa Joe leaves the ring and walks up the ramp. He stops near PenWing and they stare each other down. Then they grin, shake hands, and leave together as the crowd chants their names...
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living in 1962 15000+ posts
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living in 1962 15000+ posts
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*The Misfits' "All Hell Breaks Loose" begins to play as the ECW fans go wild at the sound of the Hellions' entrance music. However, instead of seeing the Hellions enter the arena, we cut to a live video feed.
We see a closeup of the ECW Tag Team Titles sitting upon what seems to be a big pile of dirt. Pulling back we see a pair of shovels leaned up against a tombstone. Other tombstones can be seen in the background.
"Four years ago, Evil Cunt Wrestling died. And with it, the Evil Cunt Wrestling Tag Team Titles. The last great tag match never happened. The Hellions. Rob Van Dyke & Scabu. The fans never got to see it. No one did. But then a miracle happened."
*Pulling back further, we see Grimm and Nowhereman standing behind the titles. They're wearing old skool ECW era Hellions t-shirts. Grimm is speaking.
"Evil Cunt Wrestling came back. For one night. And so did the Hellions. We went out and dug up the titles that we buried oh so long ago. Tonight, Rob Van Dyke and Scabu, prepare for the end. For the Hellions ride again, and all hell follows with us. Rest in pieces."
*The camera pans in closer to their faces and we see the Hellions are covered in dirt and blood. Nowhereman leans into the camera and utters one word: "CUNTS!"
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Back in the ring a monkey cry rings out and the mWo make their way to the ring. They clamber through the ropes, though Chevy Nova and Big Johnny Evil have to stop and help Da Monkey Guy when he gets stuck. Attempting to regain some of their lost dignity, Big Johnny Evil takes the mic
Johnny Evil:We've got three words for you! We're-taking-OVER!
ECW Fans: You suck dick! You suck dick!
Johnny looks more than a little peeved, but is interrupted when Chevy Nova grabs the mic
Chevy Nova: WATCHA GONNA DO! brother brother brother! WATCHA GONNA DO!
Da Monkey Guy: OOK OOK ACK EEK!
Chevy Nova: brother! WATCHA GONNA DO WHEN CHEVY NOVA RUNS OVER YOU!
The crowd are by now laughing at the mWo, and Big Johnny Evil vainly attempts to wrestle the mic away from his companions
Big Johnny Evil: Will you two shut up! I'm TRYING to do a promo here!
He eventually manages to wrench the mic away from them, but just as he's about to speak, the Dud Boyz theme starts to play. Da Monkey Guy immediately tries to hide behind Chevy Nova, whilst Big Johnny Evil emits an incredibly girly scream and leaps into his arms.
Big Johnny Evil: Ermm...don't worry! I've got a plan!
The Dud Boyz hit the ring, and the mWo ready themselves to meet their foes. The Dud boyz enter the ring, and Bobby Rey stands face to face with Johnny Evil. He raises the mic, but before he can say anything...
Big Johnny Evil:RUN!
the mWo run to the opposite side of the ring and scramble over the ropes, dropping to the arena floor. The Dud Boyz are somewhat unsure what to make of this, as the mWo run up the ramp and dissapear into the back...
OOK OOK ACK EEK!
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Fuck off! 500+ posts
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Good evening ladies & (not so) gentleman.
Well here we are,back in the old house with the old crew.
I have only been with RDCW a short while,but I can honestly say that of all the promotions out there at the moment,the RDCW is the only one that I would say has at least lived up to the legacy of Evil Cunt Wrestling.
Of course,most of the guys here tonight went on to wrestle for one promotion or another,and in most cases had great careers after the death of ECW,but I'm betting most of them would rather be wrestling here.
Of course,the RDCW has a whole bunch of ECW alumni on its books right now.
Guys like Joe Mama,King Snarf,Captain Sammitch of course went under different names back in the day,but guys like Grimm,thedoctor & of course Nowhereman are names that will be familiar to all of you,no matter whether you are an ECW or RDCW fan.
Of course,we had our own bad apples,and I'm sorry RDCW made the mistake of signing Chris Oakley.
He was an arsehole back in the ECW days,and he seems even worse now.
Now,I have seen a few unwelcome faces here tonight,and that pisses me off.
While I have no problem with RDCW wrestlers per se,what I do have a problem with is guys like Two Ton Tommy showing his face here when he never bled ECW blood,when he never sweated ECW sweat & he never knew the meaning of hardcore.
Now I give this challenge to any RDCW guys who see fit to appear here tonight without an invite.
You guys wanna invade my home?
Thats fine,but you are gonna play by my rules.
On Havoc I will be holding my own ECW rules hardcore challenge whenever I feel like it,and Two Ton Tommy,next week its you & me!
You cant stop rock n' roll!
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Kisser Of John Byrne Ass 15000+ posts
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A mysterious figure crawls from under the ring, chair in hand.
He climbs up the ring post to the top rope.
The crowd roars, and Captain Howdy gets a smug look on his face, and raises his hands and turns to his left to acknowledge the cheers.
The shadowy figure leaps from the rope chair raised high above his head and lays a devastating blow to Howdy's noggin. Beautiful red gushes from the enormous laceration on Howdy's forehead like a rare sirloin.
The figure takes off his cape to reveal Pig Iron, the swine of steel.
Pig Iron throws the chair onto Howdy's limp body in disgust.
Grabbing the mic PI: " You're going to Hog Heaven Howdy. You look like you're bleeding pretty badly. That gash on your forehead isn't as bad as your pathetic monologue though. I got some more of that for you in a pig sty free for all match. If your man enough to do extreme combat with my 24 inch ham hocks?"
PI:" You're looking sloppy. Clean yourself up man." throws the mic onto Howdy's motionless ragdoll body.
Pigs On The Wing begins playing over the soundsystem....
Announcer: " A pig sty free for all. Wow. That is extreme. weapons and objects hidden in the 8 inches of mud, wood fencing instead of ropes. Will Howdy accept the challenge? The swine of steel issued a challenge what will come of it? I'll tell you this after seeing that chair beat down I do believe a pig can fly."
Last edited by Pig Iron; 2005-07-02 5:18 AM.
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The Evil Cunt Wrestling: One Night Stand Rob per view has been a raging success! As fans new and old came together on this night of classick stars!
Junkyard Invitational
It quickly became apparent that Captain Howdy had spent quite a bit of time in the junkyard preparing for this matchup! As the Wankstas and Masturbators renewed their old time rivalry, they fight into a 1968 volkswagon! Howdy quickly slammed the doors shut, locking both teams in and eliminating them from the match!
Across the yard, LLance hit Theory9 with his patented AvaLLance maneuver, knocking him into a pile of garbage that he never made his way out of. Chris Jerko eliminated Kid Rash with a backflip off of a mustang, but was quickly eliminated himself by PenWing after a Spin O Rama!
JS: I'm still not sure why PenWing is in this match! He never worked for ECW!
PH: Actually, you're wrong! He did work for ECW. Not a lot of people know this, but PenWing's first job was working for ECW. He was too young to wrestle, so I gave him a job with the ring crew, setting the place up before matches. By the time he was old enough to wrestle, ECW had folded. But he had already made friends with enough ECW wrestlers to get work.
Bibbo and I-Man attempted to flank Howdy, but Howdy smiled and reached into his pocket. Pulling out a small remote, Howdy flipped a switch and the brothers were wiped out by a wrecking ball!
JS: OH MY GOB!
PH: Smart thinking from Capt. Howdy, a longtime veteran!
Another swing took out the battling Rook and Hedgehog Jack, as the two old school warriors were caught in the wrath of Howdy! Bsams and Roy Batty were the next to go, as Franta and Drzsmith barely escaped, leaving only 2 of the 4 Naturemen in the battle!
Franta turned and found himself on the receiving end of an AvaLLance from the top of a pile of cars!
JS: OH MY GOD! AVALLANCE FROM THE TOP OF THE HEAP!
Fans: ECW! ECW! ECW! ECW!
Vagiri knocked the remote from Howdy's hand with a spin kick and went for his mist attack, but Howdy ducked and hit Vagiri in the groin with a hubcap!
JS: Another elimination for Howdy! He's got to be the favorite here.
Drzsmith eliminated 2 Old Scorpius with a Cheesebomb as A. G. Wednesday fell victim to PenWing's Sudden Death! Drzsmith and LLance attempted to doubleteam PenWing, but a missed AvaLLance lead to another Sudden Death!
As PenWing and Drzsmith fought, Howdy gleefully watched the carnage, preparing to eliminate both men with another trap. But as Howdy turned, he was caught once again by a flying steel chair from Pig Iron!
JS: I don't believe it! Howdy's been eliminated from his own match!
As Pig Iron stood over the fallen Howdy once again, he leaned inward and delivered a simple message.
PI: Irony is a dish best served cold.
Pig Iron left the junkyard, leaving only two men in the match! PenWing went for a Spin O Rama, but Drzsmith reversed it into a Cheesebomb and eliminated him, becoming the winner of the junkyard invitational!
Fuck Vinnie Mac!
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Tijuana Tekilla Bar Brawl
As the luchadors entered the bar for this four way dance, it became obvious that Stupid Crazy was the crowd favorite. Gey Misterho was heavily booed as he entered the bar with his Worst Wrestling Ever ring gear and entrance music.
JS: The Evil Cunt Wrestling fans not enamored of Billionaire Vince's style, to say the least.
PH: Bad idea on Gey Misterho's part, yes.
Gey Misterho leapt off of the bartop onto Sickosis and went for a rollup, but Sickosis grabbed a bottle of Jose Cuervo and smashed it over his longtime rival's head. Sickosis pinned the WWE star and the battle continued.
Sickosis turned into a Stupid Crazy moonsault from a bartable as the patrons applauded: Stu-pid Cra-zy! Clap-clap-clapclapclap!
PH: I know what you're thinking, JJoey, and Stupid Crazy does not have the clap. All Evil Cunt Wrestlers were tested before the show tonight.
Hoot n Toot and Stupid Crazy fought on as Sickosis joined Gey Misterho at the bar. Hoot n Toot tossed a bar stool at his enemy, but Stupid Crazy caught it and tossed it back! As Hoot n Toot grabbed the stool, Stupid Crazy kicked it into his face! Hoot n Toot fell into the wall and Stupid Crazy hit his moonsault finisher again to win the bout!
Afterwards, all four luchadores stood at the bar and took multiple tekilla shots together, to the delight of the ECW fans.
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Guantanamo Cage Match
PH: Never in ECW or even wrestling history has there been a more terrifying edifice built than the Guantanamo Cage, Joey! Armed guards with doberman pinchers patrolling this twelve foot high steel deathtrap, and it's lined with barbed wire!
JS: There is no winner in this match! Only a survivor!
The Sandleman is let into the Guantanamo Cage first, quickly followed by Chris Oakley, sans Bond Brigade.
JS: Chris Oakley is going it alone tonight!
PH: That's right! Old school ECW style! No Ian Bond! No Bond Brigade! No Los Azules! Just Oakley and the Sandleman one on one!
Oakley hits the Sandleman with a wicked spear into one side of the cage! Sandleman retaliates with multiple caneshots to Oakley's head and upper body! Sandleman hits a Vodka Gimlet and goes for a ddt! The Sandleman attempts to climb up to the top of the cage, but the cage's roof and the barbed wire stops him!
JS: Obviously the Sandleman forgot you can't win by leaving the cage!
PH: That's right, JJoey. I think the Sandleman trained a little too hard before the match tonight.
JS: I hear he's up to three cases a day!
PH: Very strict training regimen, yes.
The Sandleman drops back into the center of the cage, just in time for Oakley to revive and hit a Full Metal Jacket! He pins the Sandleman in the cage and is allowed to leave by the armed guards.
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Tardis Tag Match
The Gimpact Gayers entered the Tardis set first, accompanied as always by Jizzon and Fawn Marie. The Timelords' entrance music then began as they made their first appearance as a team in many years!
JS: One has to wonder how thedoctor's injury and lack of ring time will affect his performance here tonight!
PH: I'm sure he has something in mind. But don't underestimate the Gimpact Gayers. They were quite a force in Evil Cunt Wrestling as well.
As Justnot Credible and LLance Shower mocked their foes, Jizzon and Fawn Marie walked up to the Timelords. Thedoctor and themaster looked at each other and shrugged. The Timelords then hit Jizzon with their finishing move!
JS: Sonic Screwdriver! OHMYGOD!
PH: And one for Fawn Marie as well!
Credible and Shower ran to attack the Timelords, but were the victims of double back bodydrops! The Timelords then hit double elbowdrops on the Gimpact Gayers, before locking them both in figure four leglocks!
The Gimpact Gayers submitted in one of the shortest matches in ECW history! Afterwards, thedoctor grabbed Fawn Marie and gave her a kiss that lasted longer than the match!
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Crackhead Lumberjack Alley Fight
JS: This match will be contested under Crackhead Lumberjack rules! If either team tries to leave the alley before the match is over, the crackhead lumberjacks will prevent them from doing so!
PH: And as we all know, you can't outrun a crackhead, JJOey!
The Dud Boys, Bobby Ray, Derek, and Little Prick, made their way into the alley first. Accompanied by their manager, Moe Splurtner. As Splutner began his usual innuendo laced introduction, he was interrupted by a loud cry of "OOK OOK ACK EEK! WE'RE TAKING OVER!"
As the Monkey World Order, Big Johnny Evil, Da Monkey Guy, and Chevy Nova entered the alley, fighting their way through the crackhead lumberjacks!
JS: I think that one crackhead just copped a feel on Johnny Evil!
The Dud Boys pounced on their opponents as the match got underway! As Splurtner handed them various objects to assault the MWO with! Bobby Ray pulled out a cheesegrater and drug it across Chevy Nova's forehead!
Derek Dud went for a headbutt, but Da Monkey Guy attempted to flee, only to be caught by the crackhead lumberjacks. They pushed Da Monkey Guy back into the alley! Big Johnny Evil hit Little Prick Dud with a Reverse Kryptonite Krunch and went for a pin.
Splurtner interfered and was promptly attacked by three of the crackhead lumberjacks! They picked Splurtner up and deposited him inside of a dumpster!
JS: Where he belongs if you ask me!
The three crackheads then turned their attention towards the Dud Boys and joined forces with the MWO in beating them down! As Da Monkey Guy hit the Might of the Monkey on Derek Dud and pinned him, the crackheads began to remove their outer clothing!
JS: OH MY GOB! It's. . .It's. . .the MBL! Rypta Gudn, Chewy Walrus, and Gooz! They just helped the MWO defeat the Dud Boys! This is a night to remember!
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Hardcore Ho Down
This match was full of Evil Cunt Wrestling Hotties and was contested on a strip club walkway! Sammi Lynn Bitch was the first to go as Stoolah Mcgilliturdy and Kummonme Wannabangme doubleteamed her and made a double pin! As Stoolah and Kummonme finished with Sammi, they reignited their old love affair and began making out on the walkway!
JS: EC FUCKING W!
Rancine attacked Stoolah from behind, as the self titled "Queen of Evil Cunts" piledrived her arch nemesis and eliminated her! Kummonme hit Rancine with a bronco buster and pinned her with leverage from the strip pole!
Erectra grabbed Kummonme from behind and rolled her up for a three count, then pulled down her top for the appreciative ECW fans!
Fans: ECW! ECW! ECW!
JS: When they're right, they're right!
But Erectra had forgotten Fawn Marie who clocked her over the head with a dildo and knocked her out! Fawn Marie pinned Erectra to win the Hardcore Ho Down!
JS: What a load of crap! Fawn Marie did nothing the whole match and she's the winner!
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Dojo Submission Match
This match was held in Spaz' old training school for ECW wrestlers. Lieutenant Sammitch was one of Spaz' earliest graduates and this match would be a true test of student vs. teacher.
Spaz came into the dojo and was not looking good. His time away from wrestling and as part of Worst Wrestling Ever's announce team, had not done his body well.
Sammitch entered the dojo looking confident and in good shape. The two traded a series of amateur moves before Spaz took Sammitch down to the mat. As Spaz began to get confident, Sammitch slipped out of his hold and hit the Sammitch Suplexes!
Spaz tried for a reversal but Sammitch reversed his reversal and locked Spaz in his own finisher: The Spazmission! As Sammitch tightened his grip, Spaz was eventually forced to tap out to his own hold! The student had surpassed the teacher. Afterwards, the two shook hands in a sign of respect.
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New Orleans Sewer Rat Flaming Tables
To win this match, a wrestler would have to send his opponent through a flaming table. The loser would then have a bag of New Orleans sewer rats dumped over him.
JS: This may be the night that Evil Cunt Wrestling goes too far.
PH: There's no such thing as too far! Both wrestlers wanted their stipulations for this match, and they got them!
Malls Balloney entered the arena first, accompanied by Axl & Ian Cotton, the Sad Breed. All three wielded their trademark steel chairs as the longtime ECW fans acknowledged them.
Blackwulf was next in, carrying the bag of sewer rats over his shoulder. Stopping at the entranceway, he signalled to the back as several of his former Asylum teammates joined him: Vengeance (wearing his old skool Ghost Rider shirt and jeans), Spooky (a thin, scraggly man in ICP makeup and a leather flight helmet with goggles), and Mr. Punchdrunk (a short, black man in chinese clothing).
Blackwulf slid the bag of rats into the ring and he his partners took over on Malloney and the Cottons in a wild brawl that was fought all the way through the ECW arena! Vengeance and Punchdrunk battled the Cottons in the stands and into the streets as Blackwulf and Malloney went one on one in the ring!
Malloney hit Blackwulf with multiple steel chair shots to the head, but the mighty Northman refused to go down! Malloney set up a table in the corner and covered it with thumbtacks before dousing it with lighter fluid! He lit the table on fire and went for another chairshot, but Blackwulf ducked and Malloney's chair bounced off the ropes and back into his own face!
Blackwulf picked him up and delivered a huge bodyslam, followed by a series of Blackwulf Punches. Wulf gorilla pressed Malloney and was preparing to drop him through the table when Spooky entered the ring! Spooky hit Blackwulf with a flying cross chop, knocking him off balance and sending him crashing through the flaming table with Malloney right on top of him!
As a dazed Malloney was declared the winner, Spooky dumped the screaming rats on top of Blackwulf, the whole time screaming: "It's your fault! It's your fault!"
PH: Oh, look, some of Rob Blackandblue's relatives came to see him get his ass kicked tonight!
Several ECW rat wranglers gathered up the rats and prevented them from escaping into the ECW arena and into the stands.
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South Boston Street Fight: Papa Joe vs Tommy Sleeper
As "Man in the Box" played, Tommy Sleeper walked to the ring with real-life wife Stoolah Mcgilliturdy. Both took the time to acknowledge the crowd once they entered the ring. Then “Ecstasy Of Gold” started and Papa Joe came out to the ring.
Jjoey Sstylles: It looks like Papa Joe, these days known as Joe Mama, has decided to keep things real and is still wearing the fat suit to stay in character.
Paul Hyman: I'm just excited to see this match! It’s gonna be the Death Valley Driver against Papa Joe’s Dago Driver! The DDT versus the Wop Drop! These two men had a tremendous rivalry back in the day and it looks like that rivalry is about to be renewed!!!
Papa Joe entered the ring and pointed to the crowd while simultaneously grabbing his crotch. The crowd took great delight in booing the Iron Guinea. Just before the bell rang, Tommy motioned to Papa Joe’s fat suit, demanding he remove the cushioning because it gave him an unfair advantage. Papa Joe turned to remove the padding and Tommy Sleeper attacked him from behind.
Jjoey Sstylles: Oh my GAWD! Tommy’s picking right up where he left off!
Paul Hyman: Bad move by the Goomba! You NEVER turn your back in an ECW street fight!!!
Tommy Sleeper drove Papa Joe’s head into the turnbuckle several times as the crowd watched and cheered. Then he tore off the padding and started working on his opponent’s ribs. Tommy Irish whipped Papa Joe into the opposite corner but, as he rushed in to hit him with a clothesline, Papa Joe charged out and hit Tommy with a spear, driving him to the mat. Papa Joe drove fist after big fist into Tommy’s head, then picked him up, flung him into the ropes, and hit a clothesline that took both men over the ropes and out of the ring.
That’s where the street fight began in earnest.
Tommy sleeper pulled a “Stop” sign out from under the ring as Papa Joe grabbed two street signs: one for “H Street” and one for “7th Street”. The two collided again, ducking and dodging each other’s swings. Papa Joe seemed to get pushed back against a ring post but, when Tommy moved in to hit with his sign, Papa Joe ducked under and hit Tommy in the forehead with both street signs, creating a gash the immediately started bleeding.
Paul Hyman: First blood to the Iron Guinea!
Jjoey Sstylles: Not coincidently enough, that’s the exact street corner where Papa Joe hails from!
As Tommy Sleeper tried to shake off the blows, Papa Joe reached under the ring again and came out with a set of “L Street Pub” glasses and tray. He set them on the announcers’ table, then walked over and grabbed two beers from a pair of fans. He poured the beers into the glasses and walked over to Tommy with them. Papa Joe handed one to Tommy, they toasted, and took swigs from the glasses. Then they smashed the glasses into each other’s head at the same time. Now both were on the ring floor and both were bleeding with glass and beer in their hair.
Tommy Sleeper crawled under the ring and came out with some barbed wire wrapped around his right fist. He rushed over to drive this new weapon into any part of Papa Joe and it was only Papa Joe’s quick thinking that kept him from getting mangled from a blow from Tommy – Papa Joe grabbed the beer tray and used it to deflect the blow before smacking Tommy in the groin with it. As Tommy dropped to his knees, Papa Joe stood up and hit him in the back of the head with the tray. Then Papa Joe reached under the ring and pulled out…
Jjoey Sstyles: MY GAWD!!! It’s one of the Sandleman’s Singapore Canes!!!
Paul Hyman: I’m thinking that Joe wanted a Louisville Slugger…
Papa Joe paused for exactly a moment before rushing at Tommy Sleeper and smacking him in the back of the head with the cane. But, even with the blow causing more bleeding, Tommy stood. Papa Joe hit him again but Tommy only turned, blood pouring down his face. Papa Joe went for another strike, but was caught in the face with Tommy’s barbed wire-wrapped fist. As Papa Joe fell, bleeding profusely, Tommy took the cane and started to abuse Papa Joe’s back and ribs with the weapon. After a few more whacks, Tommy lifted Papa Joe for a Death Valley Driver. But Papa Joe had the wherewithal to rake Tommy’s battered and bleeding face with his hands while desperately kicking, so Tommy had to let him go. Papa Joe dropped to the floor and was slow getting up.
In the meantime, Tommy Sleeper dragged a table into the ring and set it up. Papa Joe grabbed a street sign for “Broadway” as he slowly got to his feet and, as Tommy grabbed his hair to pull him into the ring, Papa Joe smacked him again with the sign, stunning Tommy Sleeper. Papa Joe rolled into the ring and started working on Tommy with the sign and then threw him into the ropes. Tommy ricocheted off the ropes and Papa Joe hit the Enforcer. Papa Joe laid Tommy across the table climbed up to the top rope, and hit the…
Jjoey Sstylles: WOP DROP!!! WOP DROP!!!
The force of the finisher (also known as the Flying Tea Bag Slam) shattered the table. The ref counted the pin and declared Papa Joe the winner. After the two wrestlers recovered and got to their feet, they shook hands and played up to the crowd, even putting Stoolah on their shoulders. Then they left the ring to have their blood-soaked head looked at by EMTs.
PH: JJoey, it's been a pleasure calling the show here with you tonight, but I have to leave for my match with Rob Blackandblue. Thank you, and Gob bless.
JS: Gob bless ECW!
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Porno Theatre Free For All
ECW vs. XPW
In the roped off seats of the porno theatre, several fans chanted "ECW! ECW! ECW!" as "Beautiful People" began to play. Rob Blackandblue and Lizzie Boring walked down the aisle towards the designated battle area. They stopped at the front to argue with two familiar looking people.
JS: Is that? It is! It's Louie Bastardo and Grace! They bought front row tickets to see Rob Blackandblue get his ass kicked!
Louie and Grace hold up their tickets for the camera as Rob and Lizzie scream at them. Rob and Lizzie are so enraged that they fail to hear the ECW theme music play and Paul Hyman enter the porn theatre.
Hyman jumps both from behind, nailing them in the head with his old gimmick cell phone from his manager days. Hyman rammed Blackandblue's head into the movie screen, and picked up a bucket of jizz. Hyman brandished the bucket for the approving crowd. But before he could do anything, Lizzie Boring attacked him from behind, sending the bucket flying into the creepy old men section.
Lizzie put Hyman in a headlock and began choking him. Hyman shoved her off (along with his ballcap) and kicked her in the groin!
JS: Paul Hyman just kicked Lizzie Boring in the nuts!
Hyman knocked Blackandblue and Boring's heads together and pinned both of them on the theatre floor! Picking up another bucket of jizz, he dumped it over the XPW owners to the delight of the audience, Louie Bastardo and Grace included!
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"Hey this is PCG342's bro..." 15000+ posts
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"Hey this is PCG342's bro..." 15000+ posts
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RACK Drzsmith for winning the Junkyard Invitational with a Cheesebomb!
"Are you eating it...or is it eating you?" [center] ![[Linked Image from i13.photobucket.com]](http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a275/captainsammitch/boards/banners/blogban3.jpg) [/center] [center] ![[Linked Image from i13.photobucket.com]](http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a275/captainsammitch/boards/banners/jlamiska.jpg) [/center]
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Cemetary Dance of Destruction
ECW Tag Titles
Rob Van Dykek & Scabu enter the cemetary, to the sound of the shrill whistles of Bill AlFonzie. All three were taken down from behind as the Hellions emerged, brandishing shovels with which they pounded the challengers!
Nowhereman hit AlFonzie with a Fucking Cuntline as Grimm grabbed the manager and delivered a Triple 6 Bomb! Scabu hit the Hellions with a flying clothesline off of a tombstone and Van Dyke moonsaulted onto all three from another gravemarker!
Scabu attempted a bulldog, but Nowhereman shoved him off, into an open casket! Grimm grabbed Van Dyke by the ponytail and smashed him in the face with his tag title belt! Nowhereman went for a flying headbutt on Scabu, causing the casket to drop into the ground!
The crowd watching on a videofeed chanted: ECW! ECW! ECW!
After several moments, Nowhereman got to his feet and delivered a Fuck Off Slam! Grimm hit Van Dyke with a Triple 6 Bomb and dumped him on top of Scabu in the casket! The Hellions grabbed their shovels from earlier and began filling in the grave, literally burying Van Dyke & Scabu alive!
As the Hellions were declared the winners, the camera refocused in on a particular tombstone. Written on the front were the words: In Memorium, Road Warrior Hawk
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Philly Cheesesteak Diner Brawl!
Four Way Dance for the ECW Heavyweight Title!
Prince Snarf entered the diner first, quickly followed by the hardcore legend, Terry Skunk! "The Frankfurter" Dane Douglas was next, proclaiming "It's MY belt!" as the last Evil Cunt Wrestling Champion Hippo entered the diner and the match began!
Terry Skunk was quickly eliminated as he dropped his flaming branding iron and Prince Snarf hit a Bastardbomb on him! Hippo speared Douglas into a dining table, sending fans and food flying! Hippo stopped to munch on a cheesesteak, but Douglas hit his belly to back suplex finisher (taught to him by Magnum T. N. A.) and pinned the champion!
And now it was down to two. Snarf and Douglas! The two squared off, grabbing a couple of butter knives and dueling across the counter top! Douglas threw hot coffee at Snarf, who ducked behind a waitress! The waitress turned out to Rancine (Douglas' former valet), who slapped Douglas in the face! Douglas grabbed Rancine and suplexed her over the counter top!
Snarf leapt onto Douglas and applied the headlock! Within moments, Douglas had tapped out and Prince Snarf was declared the NEW Evil Cunt Wrestling Heavyweight Champion! Snarf and Rancine embraced as they held the Championship up for the applauding fans!
As the show drew to a close, JJoey SStylles could be heard exclaiming: "A new ECW Champion crowned on this night! I can't believe it!"
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