"It's been reported that one of the surprise speakers at the Democratic convention is going to be Scarlett Johansson. For her speech, she'll be talking to an empty chair and telling it, 'Hey, my eyes are up here!" –Conan O'Brien
"A fun fact: At this year's Democratic convention, eight percent of the delegates are gay, a historic record. This will be the first time a presidential candidate will be nominated by a show of jazz hands." –Conan O'Brien
