RKMBs Forums SEPTEMBER 2001

september. fall. allergies. school. death. short days. cold days.

...

its upon us.

rob found himself in a magical world where little pixies of various...

... um...

yeah, just, uh, just be sure to read myAUGUST 2001 web log, for bg updates and info, up until this point.

last month's hi-lites: "the promotion" - "the birthday" - "hooters" - and more!!

long weekend. lots to recap. gimme a sec, tho, cuz im somewhat busy. ... oddly enuf.

saturday. whut'd i do. i went to my cousin brians bachelor party. not at a strip club. not at a casino. not skydiving. no, none of that. we went to a restaraunt. in morristown. ..huzzah.. i was definitly disappointed. plus, add on to the fact that it was on saturday night, right smack in the middle of labor day coulda-been-down-the-shore weekend. then, add on to the fact that, out of the 17 guys there, i knew 3 or 4 of them, all of whom i was related to, and nearly 10 years younger than.

sooOOOoo... needless to say, i wasnt too looking forward to the event. but, as i got there, and had a few beers, i gotta say, the night got better as it went along. my cousin got blasted off of many a'shot, and was dancin all silly at the dance-floor part of the bar (its actually a pretty cool club, especialy by morristown standards. pretty empty tho, cuz of the weekend). not too many chicks there, but, a decent haul, i suppose.

so, we chilled and laughed, and, i must say, i did have a pretty good time. it was weird bullshitting with my older cousins. hearing family swear is always odd, since we have such a "little house" sorta family, where we only see each other on christmas and christenings (so, its always relgiously tied in some way, shape, or form).

so, a surprisingly fun night, all n'all. no major events or ramificiations, but, i did get some alcohol into my system, and danced with a really cute chick that looked like topanga from boy meets world. thats always fun!

so, i decided i should just go back home, to randolph, and fire up the barbcue with the folks! so, i grabbed lex, and headed home.

so, we eat, sit by the pool, and basically, just relax, hangin with the fam. i get to watch the yankee game with my pop, too, which is cool. especially since mussina almost pitched a perfect game!!! 1 more frickin strike, and he woulda had it... damn... very intense, but fun.

my older sister's new beau came over, so i got to meet him. seems like a cool guy, i spose. he'll do.

bounced with katfox and lex on the trampoline, ate some big ass dinner (again), and then felt like passing out.

even worse than knowing it was labor day and, thus, the unofficial/official end to summer, was the fact that, at around 6pm, it was already noticably darker outside. the sun was setting and it was already getting REALLY cold outside. dropped to the high 50s. THAT SUCKS!!!

i hate the fall. i hate allergies. i hate school starting. i hate secadas. i hate the leaves falling. i hate everything dying. i hate the days getting shorter. i hate the days getting colder. i hate that different smell in the air. i hate it I HATE IT!! i always have, and i always will.

and i wake up at 9:00. ... wait a minute... somethings not right... 9:00, take my shower, get up... wait... 9:00??? 9?!?!

aww, shit, i over slept. ...ugh... SO, i blast thru the wake up process and call in late cuz of a "traffic jam." im on my way to work when i... damnit! hit an ACTUAL traffic jam. ok, well, at least this erases my lie.

so, i end up getting to work even later than i thought. everyone here is cool about it, tho. typically, im like the first person here, so, they understand a lot easier. but, then again, i couldnt care less what they think. wuhoo! rebellion!

its a normal day out, kinda hazy. not too warm, really. i dont think it'll rain tho, which is good.

i have a lot to do today, out side of work. 3 different freelance projects, a lot of friends i wanna call, i wanna go running, AND i left my pants at home (DOH!). im wearing back ups right now. ... how i forgot my pants, i have no idea, but, damnit, it sucks. these backups and i dont have the history my other pants and i do. these arent soft and squishy like my regular pants. ... oh pants... i miss you!!

of course!

i also got to realize how frickin cold it was -- 66 degrees, according to the scoreboard thing, outside the stadium.

so, i sit in on this meeting with these potential clients. 2 women that are really just frickin idiots, and know nothing about the internet. they're in the process of deciding whether they want a web site or not, and if they want us to build it or not. ... and you know what? i have NO reason for being in this meeting!! no one talks to me, i say nothing, i have no reason to be talked to or say anything. i just sit there, with a pen and a pad of paper (which, of course, both serve zero purpose) and ... well... sit! im just sitting there, getting angrier, listening to these two idiots talk to my boss, who is THE best person at stretching out a conversation into the longest, possible configuration.

annoying.

but, i do end up getting home, and find a spot by around 7pm. get in my house, get changed, stretch, then come back out and go running. its probably the 8th or 9th time i've been running, since i started a few weeks back, and i do notice a definite difference. im not a great runner, by any means -- im not even good enough to keep up with the runners in town. but im getting MUCH better, and yesterday was my best outing yet.

i ran (not just jogged, but, jogged really fast... for me) all the way down to th soccer field, walked two laps around it, walked half way back, and ran the rest. and i did it all pretty quickly. sweated like a beast, sure, but, i got down there really fast ... again, for me. i was mentally proud. plus, it gave me a chance to relax a little, after being so frickin fed up with my job.

seriously, if i didnt have an apartment with bills to worry about, i was so pissed off i coulda/woulda quit yesterday. there was NO real big reason what-so-ever, justa buncha little reasons. i got to cool down a lot while running, and realized it wasnt so bad at all, but man... i was steamed!

and, now... dont think of me as some sorta pants racist, but... these black khakis are killing me. they're stiff and uncomfortable. i need my regular khakis back.

hey, howsit goin. went out runnin s'more yesterday. ran longer than i ever have before (which is cool, cuz the day before, i ran faster). i can feel my heart getting stronger and my lungs gettin stronger. cool feeling. ... still, tho, running is disturbingly boring.

ran all the way down to the soccer field, and 3/4 of the way around it before stopping. then, i walked a lap. on the second time around, they're settin up the hoboken italian festival and did the national anthem. so, i stopped, and bowed my head for the good ole us of a. then, song ended, so i ran back home.

passed all the cool stuff for the festival -- looks like it'll be for lil kids and families, but, they had all the food carts out!! wuhoo!! gonna be tons o' eatin tonight.

and i really dont care.

...mrrowl...

anyway, afterwards, dave and scottie came by, and we all went down to an italian festival, here, in town. cati left, cuz she was beat (at 10??), but the rest of us stayed out until 12:30 or so, cuz SP had to catch the train. it was cool, good food n'what not. the fair was mostly filled with families and little kids, but, damnit, i was hongry. it was good to get out, too, and do something like this fair, which i dont normally do. fun stuff!

we're gonna go again tonight, have a few more people over n'stuff. drink n'laugh and hopefully score. cool!

just wanted to pop in quick, with some 'bloggin, before i go back to the rest of the forums here.

weekend was pretty cool. had some people over friday night, like i said. did it again on saturday, wiht a different group -- dave and lex were there again, but no cati or scottie. danielle and laquanda took their place.

dave, lex and i went down to the fair, and watched the fireworks -- best ones i've seen in a while. best ones i've HEARD in a while!! a lotta screamers, and really loud pops, which doesnt seem t'happen anymore for the randolph 4th of july.

got more nasty and expensive carni-food. wasnt bad, i guess. 6 dollars for an onion sandwhich? sure!!

afterwards, we met up with danielle and laquanda, and we all sorta hung out, drinkin n'stuff. ended up passin out around 4 or 5 am, just bull shittin the whole night -- had a good time. slept on my own damn floor tho, and LORD, is it rock solid!!

lex and i went to the park by the train station (after we walked lq there) and hung out for ahile, then she took off, too.

so, i was all by my lonesome, on one of the nicesty days of the year. hit 90, and was beautiful all day -- i dont think anyone expected it to be that nice.

so, i just walked around town, by myself. figured i could use the exercise, anyway. it was kinda cool tho, did a lap of the entire town, saw a whole buncha crazy people -- the whole bit. im really startin to love the town -- definitely growing on me.

certain smells were kickin in, that just sorta brought me back to my childhood. like the funnel cake smell, or that "hot air" smell, that sorta exudes from all the dinky rides. or the sounds of all the families, with angry parents and cranky kids...

it was just weird. very nostalgic. didnt make me sad or happy... just a weird ordeal.

got a few things i gotta do today and tomorrow, including phone calls and freelance stuff. meeting with a guy tomorrow about a website, and, mebbe tonight, i can call the county clerk, and finalize my company. still havent decided on a name yet, tho i think im leaning towards "phausen entertainment" or "ghostdog productions"

its also raining here, really hard. i dont get it, its poured here on several occasions, and we've had some really bad thunder and lightning, but the power NEVER goes out!! that sucks... all it'd take is a little flicker, and we'd have to go home... but nooOOooo...

a shout out to my older sis, mary, for becoming a teacher!!! ...um... a week ago!

a day that will, unfortunately, live in infamy.

it started out like any other. my alarm blared to my frustration. i slept against the wall in my shower. got to my car, late, as usual, flipped on howard stern, and started off to work.

howard and company were funny, and got me smiling. i had no idea that would be the last time id smile that day.

just as odd as it was sudden, howard interrupted the show with a news brief --- that one of the twin towers had been struck by aircraft.

knowing the show, i assumed it was a joke of some sort. but all it took was a turn from my head, and i knew everything had gone to hell. even as far from the world trade center as i was at that point, you can still see the massive buildings (as you can from most locations in NY and NJ). and, in addition to the buildings, you could now see the damage.

the one tower was cloaked in a THICK cloud of black smoke, trailing off for hundreds of feet. my instinct, at this point, was nerves and upset, as i feared for all of the people who were injured in the crash. i had assumed a pilot was drunk, or got lost (etc), and crashed, unwillingly, into the building.

those thoughts were erased when, some 20 minutes later, it was announced a SECOND plane had hit the OTHER tower. at this point, it was obvious, someone was messing with us, in perhaps the most frightening way possible. we were, for all intents and purposes, under attack.

i started buggin out -- didnt know what to think. i was pissed, i was upset, i was enraged, i felt invaded, embarassed, sad, depressed, angry.... baffled.

i called into work from my cell and told'em i was goin home. "work," just was not an option today. my fury of emotions lead to my driving upwards of 100 mph on the way home, weaving through traffic the entire way. i was gnawing on my nails, blasting the news radio station, thinking "oh my god, things cant get any worse!"

i was wrong.

minutes later, the broadcast came over that the pentagon, the headquarters of the united states militia, was under a similar attack. i was fuming. another plane, shit down near pittsburgh. i was screaming.

things were falling to pieces. figuratively.

i had no idea "literally" was to follow.

while racing home, i had to take several, never before explored, routes, as the traditional ones were blocked by hundreds, thousands of cars in a traffic jam. finally, i come to hoboken, just in time to hear what i never thought was even possible -- one of the towers, one of the largest buildings in all of the known universe, had collapsed.

broken. fallen. destroyed. gone.

i was stunned beyond belief.

i ran from my car, camera and radio in hand, frantically trying to see the mammoth explosions, only a few hundred across the hudson river.

i've witnessed horrible collapses like this in movies like independence day and armageddeon.

and now, unfortunately i'd witness it in person.

just as i round the corner, and snap a few shots of the one monstrous building, completely surrounded in a billow of smoke, i see what i still cant shake -- the second building begins to fall.

the top few floors buckle and smoke. the building ripples like a lake. smoke explodes into the air. the top third of the building slides, and overlaps the middle third. the middle third goes through the same methodical process, and overlaps the third. smoke encompasses the entire building -- the entire manhattan island -- and the building is gone.

half way through the collapse, the vibrations began, and the ground, hundreds of feet away, across a mighty river, began to shake beneath my feet. two-thirds through the collapse, the sound began -- a horrific noise, that i'll never manage to forget. a deep, all-powerful rumble, not unlike a sonic boom, that roared for miles, im sure.

i had just, first hand, witnessed one of the most astonishing, and horrible, events in all of american, if not global, history. i also was among the very last in the world to see the world trade center -- forever. both thoughts, even hours later, give me shivers.

i sat. sinatra park offered me a perfect view of the events, for worse (no "for better or"). it was around 10 am now, and i would not leave my vantage for another 11 hours. my portable radio blared the news and updates, for all those around me -- a number which ranged from 2 others and swelled to nearly 250 at one point.

i also soon met up with my lex, who teaches second grade just 1 block from the park. she was able to keep me company while i sat, in shock, complete and total shock.

hours went by. the sun blared on me, and my mostly-irish skin burned harshly in my 11 hours outside, but i didnt even notice. reports flowed from my radio about what i could see, first hand, only a few hundred feet away, as well as updating me on the happenings at the pentagon, pennsylvania, palestine, etc. nothing was really set in. i couldnt grasp it all.

i heard stories of the palestinians celebrating. fuckers.

i heard stories of people jumping from the towers, before they collapsed. painful enough to bring tears to your eyes, just thinking about it.

i heard stories of survivors being found in the wreckage. and i thanked god, or whomever it is i speak to on occasion, for the help he,she,it provided.

the day passed, the president and NYC mayors spoke. plans were made for our country to repair, retalliate, regrow, etc. i did my best to internally heal, which was enormously difficult, as the pain hadn't even set in yet.

many a thought has crossed my mind about enlisting -- to help out my country, if it needs me. the "need" has yet to occur, but i wish it knew that i'll be there if it calls.

but, as the day ends, i just find myself feeling small. there's no "big and strong" vengeance move, as seen in "independance day" or "true lies." i just feel... weird. the skyline of nyc, one of the most famous sites the world has ever known, has been forever altered.

for the first time, i've seen the plane hits on tv, over and over, as they show the replay. it continues to make me sick.

retaliation is eminent. and i tell you this, i await it with baited breath.

may god have mercy on their souls, because i swear to you, we will not.

but as of now, everything still seems surreal -- like its just a bad dream.

so lets all hope i wake up soon.

its thursday. now, over 50 hours since the one single event that i know, without doubt, will shape my life and the lives of all i know.

i cant escape it, for better or for worse.

its on the tv, its on the radio, its in the papers, its right outside my window. its at work, its at home, its everywhere -- all encompassing.

its a gamut of emotions i've never before encountered. i stay strong, and proud, as best i can, if for any reason, to let others see my being strong and proud.

there are two, dominant emotions running through out my country right now, fear and courage. most everyone feels a little of both. both emotions are unique, in that they spread like wild fire -- they're incredibly contagious.

if one individual is fearful, it spreads to everyone else.

so, you'll forgive me if my words are over-flowered today. im doing all i can to remain as courageous as possible, in hopes that you'll join me.

im at work, watching them stream over the internet / televised broadcast.

its certainly a beautiful ceremony.

it really really really sucks. but, one of the more important things im trying to do is to ALWAYS remain confident, and always remain strong and brave.

in fact, i may, or may not, make a trip into NYC this weekend, directly to the "zone," or atleast as close as i can get. just as a show of strength, to know that im brave enough, and as a grand "fuck you" to those terrorists.

i hope i've made even a small difference in there.

other than that... i've really been doing so much, that i hardly have time to post. and, the free time i do get, i cherrish so much, its difficult to post here.

tonight and tomorrow, im hoping to get a full nights sleep, something i've SORELY been without, since tuesday (im estimating that in the past 4 days, 3 nights, i've had a total of 10 hours, if im lucky).

its been a rough time, lately. almost a week since the beginning of the attack. its impossible to truly describe the contrast between today and exactly 1 week ago.

even the weather seems to be fighting me, dropping into the 50s and 60s last night and this morning, compared to last week's sun-burning temperatures.

im not really sure what to make of everything, you know? like i've always been young for my age, both physically / visually, as well as emotionally and mentally. but this whole sequence of events is quite sobering, quite maturing.

like the news reports keep saying, its america's largest "loss of innocence" in decades, if not ever.

took some big steps today, in terms of "returning to normalcy," a phrase i hear CONSTANTLY on the radio. i posted some comic book news, some video game and wrestling stuff.... even continued my hot girl of the week bit.

small attempts, that feel like big moves.

this morning, on my way to work (greatly slowed, due to traffic -- people having to drive into the city, who normally didnt), at 8:48 AM, every radio channel broadcast nothing but a memorial silence.

incredibly touching.

last night i watched dave letterman and his guest dan rather, both typically stone faced and cool-under-pressure, break down and choke up, in an imaginably emotional moment. it was wonderful to see that everyone shares the grief -- we're all human.

so, instead, lex, my dad, and my sis katfox came up. even my cousin brian, who is getting married in 3 days (and im in it) stopped by for a while.

it was good to see friendly faces.

afterwards, me, lex, kathleen, and my father went down to the pier, so that they could see what i saw for the past week -- the former site of the world trade center.

there were thousands of people there, as it was the candle light memorial. everything was beautiful, but devasting, at the same time.

keep thinkin back to what was happenin, this time a week ago.

i was a few hundred feet from the WTC, watching, in complete, and total, disbelief. such hideous, horrifying acts.