"Faded" plays as Joe Mama, accompanied by Harleykwin, come out to the cheers of the crowd. They grab microphones from Marcum and Monroe and enter the ring.
Marcum: This is it, Monroe! Joe Mama is finally gonna reveal his gift to Ghost Hog! I hear it's a diva to replace Heidi Schwartz!
Monroe: This can't be a good idea...JM: Ghost Hog, I heard your rant earlier this evening and, if I could've understood it, I'd probably have been hurt and insulted by it. But I don't speak "drunken sloppy mess" and I can't take the time to try and decipher the ramblings that come from your booze-hole. But I do know this: you're in a lot of pain, Ghost Hog. Pain caused by losing your girlfriend, Heidi Schwartz, to the West Side Rollers and not being man enough to sober up and get her back. But rather than dwell on that - the fact that Heidi got so sick of having to clean up her useless failure of a boyfriend that she ran off with two people who are less manly than he is - I decided to help you out, Ghost Hog, by finding you a new woman to disappoint. A woman who will help you forget Heidi Schwartz and Heidi's tits and Heidi's ass and the way Heidi does that thing with her tongue and...
Harleykwin gives Joe Mama a nudge in the side with her elbow.JM: Oh! Um, not that I'd know, of course!
Ghost Hog, it's time for you to make a decision. You can either pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue a career that - at this point - would be considered "overrated and underwhelming" if one were being charitable. Or you can continue the path you're on, a path that leads to destitution and disappointment. Will you continue to be the laughingstock of the RDCW? Or will you somehow find the courage (that can't be found in a bottle) to become the man and the wrestler that Heidi thought you could be when she threw you that first mercy fuck? Hopefully one of these ladies will help you decide.
Our first diva is best described as a "lioness in the sack!" To say she's rich is to say that Ghost Hog is drunk! I give you...Jocelyn!!!
And out walks our first "contestant" to the ring...
Marcum & Monroe:
Monroe: Dammit, I knew this would be a cruel joke!
Marcum: Um...maybe he's saving the best for last?JM: Now, Jocelyn, tell us a little about yourself.
Jocelyn speaks into Harleykwin's microphone, but the words can't seem to coherently get past her huge lips.JM: Um, Harley, what'd she say?
H: She said, "I like cats and botox and parties and collagen and fine wines and stainless steel blades being pushed into my flesh and...
JM: I'd like to hear more, but you're face is going to haunt my nightmares, so let's move onto our next contestant. This little lady likes fine food and drink, and is what the boys would call a "cheap date." I give you...Theresa!!!
And out walks contestant #2...
Monroe: The goggles! They do nothing!!!
Marcum:
Monroe: This is nothing but cruel! Ghost Hog has a serious problem and he needs help, not mockery!
Harleykwin meets Theresa at ringside. JM: Now, Theresa, you're a big of a big girl, so we're going to keep you at ringside so the ring supports don't buckle. Tell us something about yourself.
Theresa: Ah tain't fuckin' no man without mah mawma! And we wants $30 bucks fer the priv'lidge!
JM: OHHHHHHHHH...a hot mother/daughter combo! Very kinky...let's bring out mama!
And out walks...
Marcum: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Dear GOD, no!!!
Monroe: Joe Mama should be ashamed of himself! JM: Well aren't you a sexy pair! Let me remind you both that, if you win, you'll also receive $30 and a lifetime supply of Ring Dings and orange soda!
Mother and daughter get excited, jumping and clapping hands.
Marcum: Is Joe Mama trying to bankrupt this promotion?JM: But you haven't won yet. For, you see, our final diva is well-known from television! She's a former reality star who knows that every rose has its thorn and is ready for the ol' Unskinny Bop...ladies and gentlemen, Tiffany!!!
From the back bumbles...
Marcum & Monroe:
Tiffany stumbles down the ramp and barely avoids fall on her face thank to Harleykwin catching her. With incredible effort, Harley helps Tiffany into the ring. Tiffany grabs hold of the ring ropes for dear life. Joe Mama walks over, but gets hit with some smell that knocks him back a little.JM: Wow, Tiffany, you really DO smell like a brewery! These other two contestants were able to hold off on the booze, but not you! You're a perfect mix of body and buttahface, to go with breath that I think burned off my eyebrows! You'd be perfect for Ghost Hog. But, since you're a former reality diva, I gotta ask: what brings you to the RDCW?
Tiffany
(slurring): Ah'm doin' thish f'r m' daughtah!
JM: Well, isn't that nice. You are truly a piece of work. Pure over-the-hill stripper goodness combined with bad motherhood! You might just might be the one for Ghost Hog...
Tiffany: Don' freaten me wif a good time!
JM: ...um, yeah. But, as I was about to say, it's up to the audience to decide. Since Jocelyn is freaking me out and making the children in the audience cry, I'm going to disqualify her. Thank you for coming, Jocelyn, now please leave before these kids get permanently scarred.
Jocelyn leaves the ring. Marcum and Monroe breathe an audible sigh of relief.JM: Now...by applause, who wants to see THERESA become Ghost Hog's new valet?
The crowd collectively groans and boos as Theresa and her mom chant, "Ring Dings!!!" to each other.JM: Okay...fair enough...now who wants to see this repulsive mess next to me become Ghost Hog's sweet baby?
As the crowd boos and catcalls, Tiffany shouts, "Don' freaten me wif a good time!" at them over and over. There are a few whistles and one or two sarcastic cheers.JM: Well, it was close, that's for sure. But it looks like our winner, and Ghost Hog's new Heidi Schwartz is...TIFFANY!!!
Tiffany: Don' freaten me wif a good time!
JM: No, Tiffany, we won't. And that's a cute little catch phrase that certainly WASN'T worn out the first time you said it! Now why don't Harley and I give you your moment...ladies and gentlemen, TIFFANY!!!
Joe Mama and Harleykwin head to the back as the crowd boos and shouts things. Tiffany and yelling her catch phrase at the crowd and stumbling triumphantly around the ring. People start throwing cups and food fragments at the ring, which causes Theresa and her mom to roll into the ring and try to scoop the garbage into their gaping maws. Tiffany trips over Theresa and doesn't seem to be sober enough to get back up.
Marcum: Congratulations to Joe Mama for helping Ghost Hog find his true love! He and Tiffany will amke a GREAT couple!
Monroe:
Marcum: I'm sure that Tiffany will look BEE-YOOTIFUL on Ghost Hog's arm when he comes out for his match against Doc Paragon tonight! My only question is, now that we've seen Joe Mama show compassion to Ghost Hog, can he be counted on to referee a fair match? Or has he already shown favoritism towards Ghost Hog? This must be preying on Doc Paragon's mind!
Monroe:
Marcum: Monroe, your thoughts?
Monroe: Would someone please get security to clear this ring???