A champion has fallen. . .



A decision has been made and a gauntlet thrown down. . .



A title has been vacated. . .




and a challenge has been accepted. . .







cut to the Cheesedome interior where the fans are screaming in anticipation as Mike Monroe and Madman MarcuM talk excitedly at ringside. "Ode to Joy" begins to play as Doc Paragon heads down to the ring, carrying the RDCW World Championship belt in his hands. Paragon climbs up the steps and enters the ring as James White welcomes him and shakes his hand. Paragon asks White to hold the mic as he speaks.

DP: Thank you and welcome to New Year's Evil!

Crowd pops bigtime.

DP: As you know, the announced tournament for the RDCW World Championship only received two applicants, King Snarf and Captain Sammitch. Therefore, as General Manager of the RDCW, I have decided that instead of a tournament, we will have one match! Snarf vs. Sammitch, with the winner becoming the NEW RDCW World Champion!

And that's not all! This match will have no time limit. There will be no countouts, no disqualifications, there WILL be a winner! Also, I have given senior RDCW official Lothar the night off and I have decided that I am going to officiate this title match myself!

So, Snarf, Sammitch, get ready! Because in just a few moments the two of you are going to war!

Johnny Evil: ...but first

*Johnny Evil steps out onto the platform and the crowd goes crazy.*

DP: What are you...you have no business being here!

JE: See, that's where you're wrong. I'm here because of business. A certain business deal, to be exact. You see, the rumors of my retirement have been greatly exaggerated. I've been very busy lately. What, with all the publicity the Doomchoke created and now, I'm happy to announce that I have e new sponsor. I now have the full financial backing of Japan's second largest company. All they wanted from me was a little name charge. Now, don't worry. I'm not changing my name. The very idea of me changing my name is silly. Hey, let's get my teammates out here for the big finale.

*Hiro, BFE and Ariel join JE on the platform.*

DP: But your official statement...

JE: ...said that the Otaku are no more. We are not the Otaku. No, from this day forward we are Johnny Evil's Forces of Evil Presented by Super Smash Bros Brawl for the Nintendo Wii! I know, doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but a huge corporate sponsorship is a huge corporate sponsorship. But that's not all. Nintendo is willing to sponsor tonight's shindig as well on one condition. I get a shot at the title against whoever wins your little one match tournament. Whatta ya say, Doc? Do I get a shot at the winner or should I just take my huge pile of yen and go home?

*watching from backstage, Krazed has only one reaction to Johnny Evil's annoucement:

K: .


*He grabs his chair and starts heading for the ring...

King Snarf User 7500+ posts Tue Jan 01 2008 10:05 PM Reading a post
Forum: RDCW
Thread: New Year's Evil!

*Paragon straightens his tie as he mulls over Johnny Evil's demands and looks out towards the crowd. After taking in their cheering reactions, he seems to decide and raises the mic to speak again.

DP: Very well, Mr. Evil. I do believe that we can do business with your sponsors. Mr. Kamphausen's love of Nintendo's product is quite well known.

MarcuM: As are a lot of other things he loves!

Monroe: Shhh!

*Johnny Evil smiles and nods his head as his teammates look on happily.

DP: Therefore, I do pronounce that the winner of tonight's Championship bout will make their first title defense against Johnny Evil! I hope you enjoy your title match, Mr. Evil. I know I will.

back in the ring we see, Paragon amusedly watching as the West Side Rollers are shown still walking backstage. . .






DP: Boys, boys, don't strain yourselves trying to remember how to get back out here to the ring. I'll just talk to you from right here. It seems that the two of like to do quite a bit of talking, but I haven't seen much action from either of you. In fact, I'd say that the pair of you have Kevin Nashed your way through the majority of your RDCW contracts.

So what I think we're going to do here tonight is provide you both with a little chance to show just how motivated you are and how much you want to participate in this promotion.

I think it's time we had our own little version of The Apprentice here in the RDCW, and we're going to do it right here in this very ring tonight, before our big title bout!

Krazed, Big Pimp Tim, tonight you will face each other in a "Loser is Fired" match! Krazed, you'll be allowed to use your steel chair. Tim, you'll be allowed to win by tossing Krazed over the top rope. The winner will get to keep their job in the RDCW and the loser will be FIRED!!!!!!!!

King Snarf comes to the ring, with papers in one hand and a mic in the other!

Happy New Year's, chumps! I'm back and better than ever! Now, some might think I'm a joke. Those people are morons. Y'see, those people forgot who I am and what I do. I retire people, and guess what? I FUCKING enjoy that. TK-069? Gone! Kristogar Velo? Gone! Penwing? I'm taking credit for that too! See, when I was doing all that ridiculous stuff, that was my attempt to retire the whole of RDCW! Now, that might be a tad "high concept" for you morons. So, I'm going back to basics. Holds up papers I have here in my hands waivers which I expect the RDCW legal team to sign. Tonight's match between Sammitch and I is technically no disqualifications, but I want it made crystal clear. I want free reign to do whatever it takes to win, but I can't do that if I think that Sammitch or Paragon's gonna puss out and sue me after the match for the INSANE amounts of violence I intend to bring. I want these waivers signed immediately, stating that I will in no way be held responsible for any injuries Captain Sammitch may suffer in the match. If these are not signed, then I will forfeit the match this evening, resulting in the LAMEST World's Title Match ever! Thank you and I'll see you later tonight!

Before Snarf can exit the ring, 'Kashmir' hits over the speakers and the crowd goes wild as Captain Sammitch makes his way to the ring, accompanied by Chewy Walrus, Killconey, Meeko, and Sweet Marlene. The two women are wearing black minidresses with white trim, and the three men are wearing blue jeans and black baseball jerseys with the letters O F C in white on the front...

Monroe: And he's back! Making his first public appearance since being unmasked before the wrestling world at Halloween Handjobs, it's Captain Sammitch!

Marcum: I thought he was the Jade Dragon!

Monroe: The question is, which will King Snarf have to face tonight for the RDCW Heavyweight Championship?

Joined by his companions in the ring, Captain Sammitch accepts a microphone and turns to address King Snarf...

Captain Sammitch: I’d like to start out by...

Sammitch looks over at Snarf and can’t suppress a snicker...

CS: I’d like to... pffffffffft...

Sammitch holds up a hand...

CS: Just a second, just a second...

King Snarf:

CS: Snarf, buddy, could you do me a really big favor and not be within my field of view? I need to be able to keep a straight face here.

KS:

CS: Sammitch can’t hold in a snort...

KS:

CS:

KS:

Snarf sheepishly walks to a far corner of the ring and stands there dejectedly...

CS: Much better. I’d like to start out by welcoming everyone to New Year’s Evil. You can expect a couple solid matches tonight, and I’m sure you’re all looking forward to...

KS: A-hem... I believe I have some documents here that require your attention...

CS: We’ll get to you in a moment. Before I forget, I would like to congratulate the new Women’s champion, Sweet Marlene, and the new tag champions, Chewy Walrus and Killconey!

Sammitch waits for the applause to subside...

CS: That’s right, give ‘em a hand. They’ve earned it. Now I’m sure you’re all wondering...

KS: Excuuuse me...

CS: You’re really irritating sometimes, you know. Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I left, where I’ve been, all that stuff. Not that big a deal. I didn’t come out here to talk about myself. I’m sure you’ll get it all in an interview before too long here. I came out here to discuss the title match you’ll be watching later on this evening, and...

KS: And my request of the RDCW legal team!

Snarf angrily waves the release papers at Sammitch...

KS: I expect these waivers signed immediately, releasing me from any injuries I may inflict upon you over the course of tonight’s match!

CS:

KS:

CS:

KS:

CS: All right, Snarf, let’s see these...

An exasperated King Snarf hands Captain Sammitch the waivers...

CS: Hmmmm... you know, good buddy, these waivers also release me from any legal accountability for any injuries you might sustain in tonight’s match. Are you sure you’re okay with that?

Snarf nods, grinning...

CS: Since your ominous threats were immediately followed by a statement that you would, essentially, punk out of the match like a little bitch if you didn’t get your way, I think it’s safe to assume that these have less to do with the ‘INSANE amounts of violence’ you plan to ‘bring’ than with some half-assed scheme of yours. Possibly one even scarier than that match you did with the Hawaiian shirts.

Laughs from the crowd...

CS: See, while I most definitely welcome your ‘INSANE amounts of violence’, I’m rather disappointed that you felt the need to burden the legal team with this. To help us all along in this process, I’ve taken the liberty of bringing my own legal consultant to the ring... Meeko.

Marcum: What???

Monroe:

Meeko examines the documents and shakes her head...

KS: What? What is it?

Meeko: These statements of indemnity are very loosely constructed. I’m afraid we simply can’t offer any endorsement of a waiver with so many potential loopholes.

KS: That’s it! I don’t have to take this!

Marcum: Yeah! He’s the greatest champion in the history of the RDCW!

Monroe: Spare me...

CS: Y’know, Snarf, my wonderful legal counsel also informed me that the contract for tonight’s title match in no way prohibits me from inflicting ‘INSANE amounts of violence’ on you right now.

KS: You wouldn’t!

Chewy and Killconey snicker...

CS: The kinder, gentler Captain Sammitch hasn’t been seen since Scammiversary. If you’d like to speak with him, I’ll shoot him a memo if he ever comes back.

King Snarf backs up against the far ropes, looking nervously around the ring...

CS: But you know, I’d hate for you to be less than one hundred percent for the match. You’re gonna need every percentage point you’ve got to spare.

Snarf relaxes visibly...

CS: It really hurts me to see this, Snarf. Supposedly the greatest champion to ever wear an RDCW Heavyweight title belt, and you won’t face someone who’s still looking for his first one without some piece of paper giving you carte blanche to... to do what, exactly? I mean, if you don’t think you can win without doing something you’re not sure you can get away with in a no disqualification match, what were you thinking taking the management up on their invitation? To be honest, Snarf, as easy as it may be for me to laugh at you, I’m pretty disappointed with all the shit you’ve done to try and ‘make the RDCW lame’. Last time I fought you, you tried to leave the arena in a cab, and it took some excellent work on the part of our new tag team champions to forcibly return you to the ring. Sometimes I just don’t get you, Snarf.

Sammitch looks back at Meeko and hands Snarf back the papers...

CS: So here’s what you’re going to do. I’ll sign your waivers... just as soon as you rephrase them to specify that neither combatant slated to compete in the title match will be held responsible for any injuries directly incurred one upon the other, through any form of contact deemed by RDCW officials to be incidental to the conduct of a wrestling match, disqualifications or no.

KS: What?

Meeko: It means that you are legally responsible for anything that happens outside the constraints of the match itself. Anything before the match starts. Anything after the match ends. And, since Falls Count Anywhere was not named as a stipulation for tonight’s match, anything outside the ring.

Sweet Marlene: We know how much you love ‘making the RDCW lame’, Snarf. If you think you can dance around having to fight an actual wrestling match by looking for a loophole, you’re wasting your time. And if that’s not the case, if you were seriously hoping to intimidate us by threatening...

Chewy Walrus does an impeccable impression of Snarf’s tone...

Chewy Walrus: ‘INSANE levels of violence!’

The crowd laughs again...

SM: You’re still wasting your time.

CS: Thanks, guys. Now, Snarf, I know you’re probably thinking I’m out to ruin your fun, but honestly, all I want is a real live wrestling match. No Hawaiian shirts, no slumber parties, no ‘manly’ hugging. Just two guys in the ring kickin’ each other’s asses. I’ll sign your papers, and I’m sure the legal team will as well... just as soon as you make the requested alterations. I’m well aware this is strictly legal protection, and has no bearing on actions taken to influence the outcome of the match. And I’m not naïve enough to think you won’t still try and get away with something, but that’s okay. Just remember – there’s one of you and five of us. You’re not dealing with the Sudden Death Connection. And you’re not dealing with the babyface, law-abiding, crowd-pleasing Captain Sammitch. Not anymore.

Pops from the crowd...

CS: I believe we’ve wasted enough time talking. There’s my reply, take it or leave it. You can forfeit the match if you want, make it as lame as you want, but one way or the other, for the title or not, in the ring or not, you and I are gonna fight tonight. Don’t you still want it to count for something? It’s your choice...

KS: You want me to make alterations stating... Hold on a second... *King Snarf undoes the top button on his shirt, then fans himself with his free hand* Sorry about that. Seriously, Sammitch, you need to do something about this cheap heat addiction of yours. Anyway, the alterations sound FINE. Anything done within the confines of this ring is a more than acceptable condition. *King Snarf smiles wickedly* In fact, I couldn't have said it better my self.

And as far as your threats, the five of you against the one of me? Well, that would be a tad more credible if 4 of your 5 had posted in the past month. Hell, half of the tag team champs hasn't posted in like a year! And as for your... a-hem... legal counsel? Kayfabe aside, all the smart marks know I did the same thing to your relationship as I did to TK-069, and that's retire it! Wooooo! ! See ya later tonight!

*Everclear's "When It All Goes Wrong Again" hits as Snarf leaves the ring....

I WANNA SEE THE SNARF/SAMMITCH SHOWDOWN!

PCG does, too.

Yeah. Only what does this have to do with DC's forgotten fifth week event lines of books?

You will, as soon as Sammitch stops shooting me down.

I said we could work with your idea and you got mad because I wanted us to compromise on it.

No, I suggested I be the face, and you were all like "No, fuck that".

*The screen shows a familiar tiny car as familiar music plays. Yes, it's the typical opening of a Wii commercial. The car is driving through a rough looking neighborhood and pulls up in front of a bar that looks rough even for the neighborhood. The scene cuts to a hand that's about to knock on the door, but then the camera quickly pulls back and shows that it's Johnny Evil and Johnny Evil's Forces of Evil Presented by Super Smash Bros Brawl for the Nintendo Wii at the door. JE kicks the door down.*

JE: Wii would like to play!

*JE and JE's FoEPbSSBBftNW quicky charge into the bar and start ripping into the rough looking customers. After they finish beating up the customers (and smashing pretty much every piece of furniture in the place) they are shown playing Super Smash Bros Brawl on a TV behind the bar. After having a great time playing the game, they leave the bar (JE kicks a cutomer in the back of the head as the customer starts to get up) and the tiny car is shown driving away.*

you originally had heel-type stuff in mind. I suggested a plot we could work around that, but once you realized you might not get your way one hundred percent, you tried to scrap it and turn the whole thing around, which would leave both of us to change perfectly good plans.

Brilliant.

Goddamnit! PM this shit to me; and I'll help you two bastards sort this shit out.

Just cut their balls off, Doc.

Please stop thinking about their balls so much.

Yes, sir.

Heard from Snarf. Now I need to hear from Sammitch..... by Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest.

Man...

I proclaim myself heavyweight champion of the world. You taint lickers can kiss my ass!

or can they...

Watch out! His name is killer spelt backwards.

X-TREME!!!

You can blame bitch-boy Snarf.

But he said he was the greatest RDCW Champion EVAR!

Snarf treated that match like the Soul Calibur inventory.

I'm sorry, I had a thing called "real life" get in the way. Maybe I should focus on writing the match instead of my term papers....

Good thing soul caliber put an end to that "real life".

rex, I'm in college. My getting fired doesn't get me kicked out of school. Just because someone's unemployed, they usually don't give up on everything except sock fucking. It's a tough concept to grasp, I'm sure....

Man...

let's show him some sympathy - I'm sure none of us ever had to balance participation on these boards against work and/or school.











p.s.: it's not like the match hadn't already been all but written. twice, considering the outcome was changed. kind of sad when the whole thing gets derailed by the one person who chipped in the least.

my bad

To be fair, my schedule was somewhat lighter than other people's. After all, I didn't have a paternity suit to prepare for....

How does it feel for the cheap heat to not even work for you, Snarf?

i thought cheap heat worked for everyone...

We can only hope that Snarf is not taking accounting classes...

I am SINISTAR!

or are you...

Finally, after all the anticipation, the buildup, the video packages, and all the stalling, finally it was time for the match.

The Big Cheese title sat on a pedestal at ringside for all to see.

The guest ring announcer was Franta. The guest timekeeper was Roy Batty. "Ode to Joy" sounded throughout the Cheesedome as the special referee, RDCW Commissioner, Doc Paragon made his way down to the ring in his sleeveless ref shirt.

MarcuM: "Look at those guns, Monroe! Makes your arms look like toothpicks!"

King Snarf then entered the arena with portable karaoke machine in hand, singing his own theme song "Beloved Eternal Beloved" that he apparently wrote himself. As the boos and garbage rained down, Snarf continued to sing, to no one's enjoyment.

Captain Sammitch then strode into the arena. No music, no pyro, no flashy gimmicks. Sammitch simply WAS. (His overcoat looked AWESHOME.)

The bout got underway and Sammitch commenced hammering Snarf with a series of chops and knee strikes! Snarf went for a headlock. Sammitch maneuvered out and delivered a back leg round kick to the

STERNUM!!!!!!!!!!

Snarf called for a bout of carefree hugging.

Sammitch hit a series of elbow strikes!

Snarf didn't want to have any input into the match writeup.

Sammitch rammed him from pillar to post!

Snarf bitched about not having any input into the match writeup.

Sammitch delivered a Sammitch Slam!

Snarf called him a poltroon.

Sammitch ran the ropes delivering a flying clothesline!

Snarf called him a jackanape.

Sammitch went at Snarf from behind!

Snarf called him beloved.

Sammitch hit the infamous Sammitch Suplexes, knocking Snarf out of the ring!

Snarf stumbled around ringside, managing to hit on Sweet Marlene in the front row (who is a married woman, I would remind you). She stood up and slapped him as Killconey came out of the crowd, chasing Snarf around the ring!

Snarf called for a time out as he ran up the rampway. Security escorted Killconey back to the back. Snarf continued up the rampway until Chewy Walrus emerged from behind the curtain! He speared Snarf onto the ground and carried him back to the ring, throwing him inside!

Snarf rolled back out and pulled a box of Hawaiian shirts from under the ring, pulling them out of the box.

Sammitch SWEPT THE LEG!!!!!!!!

Sammitch hit the BBW Bomb on Snarf and went for the pin!

Paragon dropped to the mat and counted ONE!. . .TWO!. . .

Paragon stopped the count and extended his middle fingers at Sammitch.

Sammitch cried out WTF?!

Monroe: It's a setup!

MarcuM: Brilliant! Our GM's a genius!

Sammitch got up to argue with Paragon as Snarf attempted to recover. Snarf grabbed Sammitch, who turned and nailed him with a spinkick!

Sammitch turned back to Paragon who hit him with a chain around his fist! Sammitch hit the mat! Snarf rolled on top of him!

Paragon counted ONE!. . .TWO!. . .

He stopped and flipped off Snarf as well!

Snarf: My good man, what tomfoolery in the name of my beloved wrestling is this?

Paragon kicked him in the

STERNUM!!!!!!!!!!1

and dropped him on top of Sammitch!

Paragon covered both men and counted ONE! TWO! THREE!!!!

Paragon: Ring the bell! Ring the damn bell!

As Roy Batty rang the bell, Franta made the announcement, "The Winner of the match and NEW RDCW BIG CHEESE WORLD CHAMPION. . .DOC PARAGON!!!!!!!!!"

Monroe: "What. . .what just happened here?"

MarcuM: "I'm stunned at our GM's brilliance!"

Roy Batty jumped into the ring with the belt placing it around Paragon's waist as Paragon rubbed at his eyes.

Monroe: What is he doing?

MarcuM: He's not crying, Monroe! He's got something in his eyes!

Batty poured champagne over Paragon's head, washing the white coloring out of his hair, revealing dark hair.

Monroe: What the. . .

Paragon continued pulling at his skin, tearing off an elaborate latex disguise revealing his true identity to the world at large. . .


Monroe: IT'S GRIMM!!! Doc Paragon was really Grimm all this time!

MarcuM: OH MY GOB!!!!!!!!

Grimm and Batty celebrated in the ring as the audience was stunned into silence.

Grimm: That's right! All this time and none of you ever suspected my true brilliance!

MarcuM: I did!

Monroe: Shut up!

Grimm: Now I've got the power, I've got the belt, I've got my personal trainer, Mr. Batty! I'm in control! I'd like to thank Joe Mama and Ghost Hog for wiping each other out, making my plans that much easier, and I'd like to thank Sammitch and Snarf for being too self absorbed to see past their own faces!



This show is over! I'm going to Larryland!


Grimm and Batty left the Cheesedome jumping into a limo filled with alcohol and women that promptly peeled out into the night!

Fade to black.