RKMBs Forums .::Robegories::. Comic Books Shut the Fuck Up, Fanboy! (Disco Steve's Comic Reviews) #2

Whoops, ran late on the covers. Uhh... the lab... lost the print copies... and there was a break-in. Yeah, that's the ticket. Expect them by next Saturday... that just might make it weekly updated weekly (or is it weakly?)!


THIS WEEK


X-STATIX #21
(Marvel/Marvel Knights)
by Peter Milligan (writer), Mike Allred (pencils), and Nick Craine (inks)

THE COVER: Classic superhero team clash cover, drawn by Mike Allred. Good stuff.

Somehow I feel like this book hasn't quite recovered from the "Di Another Day" fiasco, where a little bit of controversy totally ruined what was to be a possibly great relevant story arc. Maybe it's because that story soured me on the book somehow, even though it's not really the fault of the creative team... it's the higher-ups, afraid to lose movie deals like they did with George Clooney as Nick Fury. Fucking Marvel and their Hollywood ambitions. Who would have thought Marvel finally getting good movies made would have a negative effect?

This issue is part one of "The Good and the Famous," a story arc that pits X-Statix against The Avengers, with the fate of Doop hanging in the balance. Doop is captured by Russian terrorists in Moscow, and the Avengers are called in to deal with the situation, as Doop is capable of mass destruction in the wrong hands. The Avengers want to destroy the greatest character in the history of graphic literature, X-Statix wants to save him. Conflict ensues. We're finally going to get Doop's origin, which I'm excited about, because he's so damned mysterious. If there's one thing I predict, it's to be disappointed by Doop's origin, somehow.

This is a pretty good start. This is clearly a take on your average superhero crossover, but everything makes sense. Unlike JLA/Avengers, where the two teams are set to fight on the sheer basis of being from different universes, there is actual reason for the conflict in this story arc. The Avengers and X-Statix are ideologically complete opposites, creating a rivalry between the two teams, rather than just have them fight based on a misunderstanding of who the real villain is for the sake of the reader's enjoyment. The Avengers, simply put, do not trust X-Statix (and can you blame them?) and that is impetus for the battle. The difference between the two teams shows in Milligan's dialogue: X-Statix's members, with the exception of Mister Sensitive, are facetious, while The Avengers, with the exception of Hawkeye are dead-serious sticks-in-the-mud.

I love how Allred draws The Avengers. You have the classic team: Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch, Vision (who is on the cover, but isn't in the book...) and Ant-Man, continuity be damned, just the way I like it. Allred seems to have given the characters his own designs, especially Iron Man's armor and Captain America's pants: the man's a soldier. He doesn't need spandex.


Disco's Grade: B+


PHANTOM JACK #1
(Image Comics)
by Mike San Giacomo (writer), Mitchell Breitweister (art) Jaime Jones (colors)

THE COVER: A very neat Invisible Man-esque cover. Jack's press pass looks like a rapper's platinum necklace, though. Fer shizzle.

I've been looking forward to PHANTOM JACK since reading about the process of its creation on Newsarama. Originally meant to be published under Marvel's EPIC imprint, it jumped ship to Image Comics once word got out that Marvel didn't feel like giving people whose names aren't Chuck Austen or Brian Michael Bendis a chance at writing comics and being paid for it. Now here it is, as Marvel intented to put it out, albeit with a few curse words restored, I assume. No way is Marvel letting anyone use the word "Pussy" in a comic. Because they're for kids. They shouldn't be hearing that kind of language. Soon we'll have comics that adults that aren't having a second childhood could enjoy and a sense of legitimacy. This cannot be allowed to happen.

PHANTOM JACK is the story of Jack Baxter, a reporter who has the power to become invisible for some reason. He uses this power to his advantage to get the impossible stories and save lives in the process. He's not perfect, though: he's been horribly traumatized by the death of his guide, Aziz, while traveling around with him in Iraq a year earlier (This story takes place in 2003, as the current war was beginning). So much, in fact, that every character makes a point to mention it through the course of the book. In real life, that shit just doesn't happen. In fact, that would be a downright nightmare for me:

"Yeah, I'd like a Chickwich... and a LARGE Coke."
"Hey, aren't you the guy that got a "1" on the AP Chemistry exam?"

I just wanted a bloody chickwich! Anyway, this book probably suffered from Marvel editing, which San Giacomo makes a point of mentioning in the Letters Column. I can only hope that the book gets better now that he's not under retarded scrutiny of Marvel's editors. The dialogue manages to bore the hell out of me, so much that it takes multiple readings to remember what they said. There's little pizazz or character to it. The characters, Jack in particular, seem devoid of personality, with the exception of Aziz, who San Giacomo puts all of his heart into making human and giving him a neat backstory for the scant pages that he appears. The scene that really annoyed me was the one taking place in the park with Jack and a random hobo he saved from certain doom at the hands of punk kids. This hobo was not even weirded out by Jack's display of his invisibility powers. You'd think a nutty hobo would be even more freaked out by this guy who can turn invisible at will, especially considering this book seems to take place in the "real world." I shouted to myself "This scene is pointless!" Until the next scene, where we find out that we were supposed to develop an attatchment to this hobo character. Whoops. Icing on the crap cake is Jack Baxter's column on the last page, where he makes his connection to the (later) capture of some criminals incredibly obvious. Instead of displaying his reaction to yet another tragedy in his life it comes off as your average cheesy movie voice-over where the superhero says "Justice must be served. The evil must be punished. I will protect those who injustice inappropriately touches on the bus." Blech.

The art, my Mitchell Breitweiser, brings to mind crappy indie comic books where characters aren't drawn convincingly. What I mean by this is that when a character is drawn to show a certain emotion, it feels flat and forced, as if Breitweiser is too used to drawing pictures of people with blank stares. He's pretty good at poses, though; his best panels are the ones that feature an expression of some emotion, like falling to the ground in anguish, from far away. Jaime Jone's coloring is pretty good for a kid younger than I am, which makes me jealous that 1) He can use Photoshop while I still can't figure out Microsoft Paint and 2) Someone younger than me is working in the comics industry. I shouldn't feel this old yet.

Regardless of its faults (I really can't blame the creative team on this one), I await the next issue to see if this improves. I really hope it does, because I wanted to like this.

Disco's Grade: D+ (A very high one.)


JLA #96
(DC Comics)
by Chris Claremont (writer), John Byrne (pencils), and Jerry Ordway (inks)

THE COVER: Superman standing over Wonder Woman, impaled by a sword. If only the interior were this awesome.

I felt the first two issues of Claremont's run were classic Claremont, in the good way. This third installment of "The Tenth Circle" is classic Claremont, in the bad way. Claremont brings a specific feel to whichever book he writes, in this case a lame one. It just feels out of touch. It amuses me when he puts pop culture references in quotes, for example the actual line "It sounds louder than the fights from 'T2' and '3' combined!" It reminds me of Dr. Evil in Austin Powers. "I'm 'hip!' I'm 'with it!'" I did sort of enjoy the Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference, as much as one can enjoy a silly play on names. "The only thing worse than cheerleaders named Buffy... are slayer gals named FAITH!"

With this issue I am convinced that Crucifer is a terrible villain. He's every fancy lad vampire character ever created, rolled into one and packaged with a silly name. He's not interesting AT ALL. And I hate hate hate the way Claremont writes Batman. He's devoid of any personality. I imagine him talking like he did in the early Superfriends cartoons. The character of "Nudge," an annoying kid who can control minds with a pet four-armed ape is little more than a Kitty Pride redux... WITH A MONKEY! I think what has happened is that the novelty of the comic book version of The Doors has worn off. That's a shame, because I was hoping this would be good.

John Byrne's art is ok, though. Especially on the cover.

Disco's Grade: C- (Expect it to fall another letter next time)


SPIDER-MAN #1
(Marvel/Marvel Knights)
by Mark Millar (writer), Terry Dodson (pencils) and Rachel Dodson (inks)

THE COVER: A wraparound of Spider-Man, Black Cat, and the rogues gallery, some of whom look like anime redesigns (Doctor Octopus in particular). Pretty neat.

Atomikboy64: Spider-Man fights Green Goblin. Helps Aunt May move of her house. By the end of the story, Aunt May is kidnapped by some mysterious voice that calls Peter on the phone.
Lord Mxypltk: Oh.
Atomikboy64: He spends most of the issue bruised and such.
Lord Mxypltk: Good points?
Atomikboy64: I like the characterization of Aunt May... it feels more realistic than the innocent old woman that we're used to.
Lord Mxypltk: How so?
Lord Mxypltk: She says fuck?
Atomikboy64: Heh.
Atomikboy64: It's the dialogue she's given... at one point she's reminiscing about Uncle Ben and mentioning a few of his bad habits... like "Remember how he used to pee with the door open?" And another where she's taping footage of Spider-Man on the news and Peter asks why she keeps Iron Man videos. She replies by saying Tony has a cute mustache. This put a chuckle inside of my body.
Lord Mxypltk: Heh!
Atomikboy64: Then there's a scene with Peter's class asking him why the hell he quit taking pictures of Spider-Man to teach high school kids.
Lord Mxypltk: Heh!
Lord Mxypltk: What's the bad points?
Atomikboy64: The art... I dunno what the hell happened. Maybe the colorist is to blame.
Atomikboy64: At some points it emulates bad Howard Porter art.
Lord Mxypltk: Damn.
Atomikboy64: I'm not sure if the Dodsons always skipped on nose details (so that there's no bridge... just a blank space between eyes and the nostrils), but it's strange
Lord Mxypltk: What about the plot?
Atomikboy64: Plot's ok. Kind of your usual Spider-Man plot. "Oh no! Someone's kidnapped Aunt May!"
Atomikboy64: I imagine it would get better, as this issue isn't big on establishing plot.
Atomikboy64: Being a first issue it mostly serves to introduce the setting and story, which it does well. Would be good for new readers, I think.

Disco's grade: B-


1602 #8
(Marvel/Marvel Knights)
by Neil Gaiman (writing), Andy Kubert (art), & Richard Isanove ("digital painting")

THE COVER: Rojhaz, Virginia, and Nick Fury standing over a map of America. Meh.

So it's finally over. One of the most hyped events of last year was Neil Gaiman's very first project for Marvel, 1602, featuring the Marvel universe set back 402 years right around the time of Queen Elizabeth's death and King James' taking of the throne. So something really bad is about to happen, and our cast of characters (which includes the X-Men, Fantastic Four, Nick Fury, and numerous others) is headed for America, where everything will be wrapped up in a neat little package... or is it? Yes it is.

We all knew how this was going to end, considering we were informed when the series was announced that it was not an alternate universe story. It's like a movie that ends with a competition. Yes, the protagonist is going to win the big race, get the girl, and save the youth center from being demolished to make room for a trendy shopping mall. The question in this series, unlike the movie that may or may not exist, is how the hell did all this happen? Like Kill Bill, this was about the journey, not the destination.

The way Gaiman plays with the Marvel characters amuses me very much. His Thor is an old coot who thinks he's a sinner for summoning a pagan god to do his dirty work. Magneto is a mutant (or "witchbreed") disguised as a Catholic Inquisitor set out to destroy his fellow mutants. Meanwhile, Dr. Strange spends the latter portion of the series as a disembodied head preserved in a barrel of brandy. The highlight of this issue: a character scene between Cyclops and Angel... brilliant.

The explanation for the condition of the Marvel Universe was really the only disappointment for me. I was hoping for something more clever than a 12 Monkeys-like time travel expedition, but it's Gaiman's first day. I'll give him a break.

Disco's Grade: B



IT'S STILL GOOD!

BLACK PANTHER VOL 1: THE CLIENT
(Marvel/Marvel Knights)
by Christopher Priest (writer),

THE COVER: Black Panther in a pose of some sort.

I found this book in my school's library (I'm as shocked as you are), and read it during study hall. Damn, I wish I had read this series when it first came out. Now that I've read this first TPB, I not only must track down the following volumes, but punish myself for missing out on these when they originally came out.

Remember Quantum and Woody, the comedy-adventure book from Acclaim Comics about a two childhood friends (though why they're friends is anyone's guess) who are forced into the superhero lifestyle when they come into posession of a set of power bracelets that must touch every 24 hours or they die? Whoops... I just figured out why they're friends... circumstance, it seems. Anyway, this is done in the same Beverly Hills Cop (sorry, it's on TV downstairs at the moment) serio-comedy adventure style right down to the Frasier-esque title cards for every new scene, taking place within the realm of the Marvel universe.

Since Priest figured out how to write the Black Panther, our main character is actually a fellow whose name I forgot, but is supposed to be a goofy Chandler Bing character who looks disturbingly like Michael J. Fox, who is hired to be Black Panther's... something. Embassy liason? Probably sounds right. Anyway, "Chandler" serves as the voice of reason in a universe full of weird shit. He's the outside reader, asking questions like "Why does this guy dress up like a kitty and jump out of windows when he's the ruler of an African nation?" And he provides for pants humor. I love pants humor.

Disco's Grade: A


CLASSIC CRAP!

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES #3
(Dreamwave/Poor TV cash-in)
by Peter David (phoned-in writing) and Le Sean (Le pencils)

THE COVER: Poorly-drawn Ninja Turtles reflected in the heads of Mouser robots.

Wow. Where do I begin? This shit has no redeeming value. None whatsoever.

What's it about? How Baxter Stockman has been a dickhead nerd all his life and been inventing things to inflict harm upon others. Yes, don't even try to make us sympathize with him. Thanks, Peter David. He would have been better off credited as "David Peterson." At least then it would imply he knew he was writing shit here. It's too comedic slapstick when Ninja Turtles (at least the cartoon... the comic was never really comedic to begin with) is supposed to be funny, but essentially still a serious book. Kinda like Spider-Man, with his wisecracks and such.

The story actually would have been fine if not for the groin-grabbingly atrocious art. It is cartoony (like a slightly manga-inspired webcomic) style that's way too blocky and ugly, as shown by the cover. Rarely do I wince when I look at comic art. This crap makes me want to vomit through my eyeballs.

The coloring isn't any better. It took four people to color this shit?

Disco's Grade: F

I have no interest in anything reviewed here.

Right... time to switch to grown up books. Without pictures.

Unfortunate, but still, a good amount of issues.

I think Priest did a follow-up to Black Panther called "The Crew." Dunno if this was related at all or the quality, but it might be worth checking out.

I can imagine... nothing touches Black Panther.

I stopped reading Black Panther when some crap fill in artist came on... around issue 7 or 8 or so.

Was that were Black Panther and Ross go to hell? I remember that.

No, I have the Hell issues. Some weird cartoony artist, something set in the snow... I dunno, it was years ago...

Well, now I have something to look forward to...