L.A.R.R.Y takes first place in the 1994 New York marathonThe other day I was relaxing in the waiting room of the maternity ward, at my local hospital. I often go there to smoke Cuban cigars when the library is too busy. Sometimes I make a game out of seeing how many expectant fathers I can turn irrevocably gay, by describing what their partner’s vaginas will look like after they have given birth.
On this particular occasion I noticed a Terminator sitting across from me. He introduced himself as L.A.R.R.Y. When I asked him what the individual letters in his name stood for, he said that they didn’t stand for anything and that I should just call him Larry.
Larry told me that he had come to kill the child who would one day reinvent the ice cream flavour, Mint Choc Chip. He explained that in the future, when machine waged war on man, the reintroduction of this flavour would provide such a morale boost to the flagging human resistance, that they would rise up and drive the machines back into Czech republic, where the only available alloy was tin, scavenged from old, communist-era cars.
As in World War I and World War II, the future of mankind is heavily dependant on people eating ice cream.Then he told me that the Terminators sent back in time to carry out assassinations in the 1920s had gone on to get jobs in the construction industry and that both The Empire State Building and The Chrysler Building had been built using Terminator labour.
And that the Reagan administration had felt threatened by this cheap immigrant labour from the future and had constructed a wall across time with ladders on one side, so that, at exactly 3.30 pm on 1st march 1986, time appeared to slow down and everybody felt as if they were climbing a really steep hill. And those people who didn’t make it over the ladder were the same people who, to this day, maintain that rap music is just talking, and that stripy leg warmers and head bands are still a really good idea.
And Reagan’s plan hadn’t worked because the machines had built escalators on the other side of the wall, so they could still get over it.
Manhattan Island yesterday. Much of this was built by TerminatorsLarry went on to say that he regarded himself as a freedom fighter - That in the era he came from, a victorious human army from an even more distant future were sending death squads back in time to kill Terminators. And that eventually a treaty would be signed between the leaders of the different alternative futures. And that was why George Bush Jnr had installed special recycling booths across America where terminators who had completed their missions could go, in order to ensure that there would be enough metal available for them to be constructed in the future.
And I was so worried by what Larry had told me that I went home and completely forgot that the reason I had come to the maternity ward in the first place was to witness the birth of my son. I only realised years later when I received a letter from his mother, informing me that I had missed his 7th birthday, and asking me if I wouldn’t mind taking him to his five a side youth soccer game on Sunday, where he was reserve goalkeeper.
Terminators are always sent back in time with ample masturbation material.
