RKMBs Forums .::Important::. Fortress of Awesome Chat When did the highlight of my day become...

... sneaking into other people's cubicles while they are out and farting?

(feel free to add your own)

I once farted during a company meeting with the CEO, his secretary, half of the marketing department, and the company's legal consultant. It was a stealth fart so nobody knew who did it.

I bet many of them are thinking that it was the CEO or the really hot chick from marketing. Cuz if it was just the no-name graphics artist, it's not interesting. Rank and file employees fart all the time. Beautiful women and multimillionaires, on the other hand, have buttholes that filter gas and convert it so that farts come out smelling like scented oils and bath candles.

I like sneaking up on people at the office and shooting them with my nerf crossbow while they're on the phone with clients

I had a colostomy years ago. I have to keep a plastic bag over the opening so there's no smell.

We used to have someone that worked in the cafeteria who obviously couldn't read and would fuck up the food (like sprinkling a desert with baking powder instead of confectioner's sugar). A couple of years back, they'd fucked up lunch so bad that my stomach was in knots. I knew that a fart was brewing and that it would be horrible, but the motherfucker on the phone wouldn't shut up and let me hang up. The bitch kept asking the same fucking question over and over again. I couldn't hold it anymore, but luckily it was a silent one, though it peeled the fucking paint. A few seconds later the other people in office got a wiff of the horrendous odor. I'm still on the damn phone, so I can't even make myself scarce when they start trying to hunt down the source. The common area with the coffee maker and mini-fridge is in the cubicle next to mine. Someone found an old hard boiled egg hidden in the back of the fridge and laid the blame straight on it. I lucked out on that one.

I always suspected that you were so full of shit that it would require surgery to get it out of you.

I've been answering coworkers with song and movie quotes. So far only two have noticed.

One night I farted loudly and must have disturbed the new head of marketing, who sits outside my office in open plan, save that she didn't let on and stoically got on with whatever it is she does.

The next day I told the story to a female co-worker, one of my direct reports who is a lot of fun, and she said, "Well, I'm now embarrassed, because as you walked in I farted."

And it really smelled, and I walked out in faux disgust while she laughed.

My direct report told the head of marketing the entire story, and she didn't know what to say, partly because she is new, and partly because she went to an expensive finishing school where ladies are taught not to talk about farts.

Okay guys. Even I know the primary theme of this thread wasn't meant to be solely about farts.

So really, it's time to be more matur--*PPHHBBBBBBBTT*

....excuse me.

One of our running bits is making fun of all the weird names that cross our desks. A lot of them have to do with parents being 'creative' with spellings and so forth which create names that phonetically do not sound like the way they're actually pronounced.

Some are funny last names. My favorite is Kuntz. A husband and wife keep returning every few years. When their paperwork crosses my desk, I immediately show one of my coworkers and say, "Those Kuntz are back. It's always the same Kuntz year after year."

My boss (the owner of the company) likes to walk around the office to see if someone's not at their desk. If they leave their computer logged in he'll send a company wide email from their account and say something really embarrassing or fucked up. He sent one from his secretaries computer about how she pooped so hard she got hemorrhoids. Then he sent one from another guys desk that he got some chick pregnant and is going to be a dad, then sent another from his account later in the day that it was twins. It took two weeks for him to convince everyone it was a prank. sometimes we'll fuck with autocomplete. I changed one guys so every time he wrote "I" it said "I want to smell your panties". He nearly sent that to a client!

I know that I shouldn't feel so happy about throwing our IT guys under the bus, but they're lazy fuckers and deserve the ass chewing that they are about to get.

And to stay on topic. I had Mexican for lunch. Those black beans should be kicking in any moment now.

Whenever people try to do that kind of shit to me, I make sure to let them know that I have access to the organization's Active Directory, and it's not at all unusual for accounts to get locked out every now and again.

If I'm feeling especially vindictive, I can even move their files and Outlook to a different OU.

They'd be doing me a favor if they locked me out of my email.

These guys are just lazy pricks who spend their time playing WoW or whatever instead of doing their jobs. I've given this shit two weeks to get back to me on something that is being pushed by the big boss. He's sat on his ass and hasn't even emailed me with a guess as to when he'll get to it. This is after he lied about the fact that we had a big meeting about this same shit last year and got caught. His boss is just as lazy as he is, and I've got a paper trail of printed out emails to prove that they're both useless if they come gunning for a fight.

I'd love to be a lazy IT guy. It seems like we have a crisis weekly that we need to figure out, and too many clients that are fucking annoying assholes. Hell, we took over an account whose IT director hadn't touched a computer in 15 goddamn years! Me and another guy stabilized the account that is using 16-20 year old computers because the department critical software they use either doesn't exist anymore or was custom built to run on Windows 2000! my boss and the clients IT consultant gives us shit for not making big sweeping changes and getting rid of those old computers but we're too busy not letting the place burn to the ground.

Our IT is full of people who either retired from another job and are just getting some extra $$ until they can apply for SS, or kids who we can pay cheaply. The guy running the IT department doesn't even have his degrees in that area. He just knows some computer jargon and is able to convince the old, out of touch bastards running the place that he's the guy when all he does is hire 'consultants' to come in and do his job for him. Maybe if he'd at least supervise the fucknuts in his department, it wouldn't be so bad.

The IT position is often abused and overstaffed. The reality is that, in this day and age, computer maintenance and communications don't require more than one to two people per department. Despite this fact, the people applying for the job are able to techno-babble most non-computer savvy employers into hiring a deluge of people who sit in a room and do nothing.

Hell, we were able to support a seven company battalion with just four to five guys in our section. There were some bad days when EVERYONE had a fucking problem (mostly just due to their own inability to work a computer/phone), but as long as everything was set up correctly, we only had to apply a few tweaks here and there. Most days, I didn't have to leave the desk.

We outsourced our IT. Shrunk a team of 4 to one (a programmer) and externalised the help desk. Which means sending an email if important incoming correspondence gets caught by our muscular spam filter and waiting, waiting for a response.

They're ok though these guys. At least they seem to do some work.

On the prank front, the senior guy here had these framed posters created, meant to promote positive internal cultural values.

One of the posters lords his appointment to the partnership (there is only one other poster "celebrating" an individual, and that is of a guy who has been here since 1974). It was the sort of thing you'd do only if you have a heroic ego.

So far, in my managerial role as prank-buster, I have had to have the poster removed from the wall of the disabled men's toilets and have had to pick googly eyes (the plastic things kids use on pictures where the black iris moves around in a little plastic dome, bestowing a goofy Cookie Monster-vibe) from the guy's eyes as they appear on the poster.

The poster is now in our new Melbourne office where the people there apparently regard it with distain and have it sit in chairs during video conferences.

I've been telling my supervisor for a while now that my job is getting too much for one person to handle. Having someone to answer the phone and help people would help me by not having to stop my data entry to solve pissant problems. She promised to get me help years ago and has done jack to do it. Recently, she's been acting like I'm somehow making the problem seem bigger than it is.

Yesterday, I found out that she wasn't going to be in until later in the morning. So I forwarded my phone to her line for an hour. It rang almost the whole hour and I got a lot of work done. When she gets in and checks her messages, she freaks. "Why did I get all these calls that should have gone to you?"

"I don't know. They must have had a work study running reception."

I work from home so I just fart all day.