RKMBs Forums .::Important::. RDCW New Year's Evil!

Before Snarf can exit the ring, 'Kashmir' hits over the speakers and the crowd goes wild as Captain Sammitch makes his way to the ring, accompanied by Chewy Walrus, Killconey, Meeko, and Sweet Marlene. The two women are wearing black minidresses with white trim, and the three men are wearing blue jeans and black baseball jerseys with the letters O F C in white on the front...

Monroe: And he's back! Making his first public appearance since being unmasked before the wrestling world at Halloween Handjobs, it's Captain Sammitch!

Marcum: I thought he was the Jade Dragon!

Monroe: The question is, which will King Snarf have to face tonight for the RDCW Heavyweight Championship?

Joined by his companions in the ring, Captain Sammitch accepts a microphone and turns to address King Snarf...

Captain Sammitch: I’d like to start out by...

Sammitch looks over at Snarf and can’t suppress a snicker...

CS: I’d like to... pffffffffft...

Sammitch holds up a hand...

CS: Just a second, just a second...

King Snarf:

CS: Snarf, buddy, could you do me a really big favor and not be within my field of view? I need to be able to keep a straight face here.

KS:

CS: Sammitch can’t hold in a snort...

KS:

CS:

KS:

Snarf sheepishly walks to a far corner of the ring and stands there dejectedly...

CS: Much better. I’d like to start out by welcoming everyone to New Year’s Evil. You can expect a couple solid matches tonight, and I’m sure you’re all looking forward to...

KS: A-hem... I believe I have some documents here that require your attention...

CS: We’ll get to you in a moment. Before I forget, I would like to congratulate the new Women’s champion, Sweet Marlene, and the new tag champions, Chewy Walrus and Killconey!

Sammitch waits for the applause to subside...

CS: That’s right, give ‘em a hand. They’ve earned it. Now I’m sure you’re all wondering...

KS: Excuuuse me...

CS: You’re really irritating sometimes, you know. Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I left, where I’ve been, all that stuff. Not that big a deal. I didn’t come out here to talk about myself. I’m sure you’ll get it all in an interview before too long here. I came out here to discuss the title match you’ll be watching later on this evening, and...

KS: And my request of the RDCW legal team!

Snarf angrily waves the release papers at Sammitch...

KS: I expect these waivers signed immediately, releasing me from any injuries I may inflict upon you over the course of tonight’s match!

CS:

KS:

CS:

KS:

CS: All right, Snarf, let’s see these...

An exasperated King Snarf hands Captain Sammitch the waivers...

CS: Hmmmm... you know, good buddy, these waivers also release me from any legal accountability for any injuries you might sustain in tonight’s match. Are you sure you’re okay with that?

Snarf nods, grinning...

CS: Since your ominous threats were immediately followed by a statement that you would, essentially, punk out of the match like a little bitch if you didn’t get your way, I think it’s safe to assume that these have less to do with the ‘INSANE amounts of violence’ you plan to ‘bring’ than with some half-assed scheme of yours. Possibly one even scarier than that match you did with the Hawaiian shirts.

Laughs from the crowd...

CS: See, while I most definitely welcome your ‘INSANE amounts of violence’, I’m rather disappointed that you felt the need to burden the legal team with this. To help us all along in this process, I’ve taken the liberty of bringing my own legal consultant to the ring... Meeko.

Marcum: What???

Monroe:

Meeko examines the documents and shakes her head...

KS: What? What is it?

Meeko: These statements of indemnity are very loosely constructed. I’m afraid we simply can’t offer any endorsement of a waiver with so many potential loopholes.

KS: That’s it! I don’t have to take this!

Marcum: Yeah! He’s the greatest champion in the history of the RDCW!

Monroe: Spare me...

CS: Y’know, Snarf, my wonderful legal counsel also informed me that the contract for tonight’s title match in no way prohibits me from inflicting ‘INSANE amounts of violence’ on you right now.

KS: You wouldn’t!

Chewy and Killconey snicker...

CS: The kinder, gentler Captain Sammitch hasn’t been seen since Scammiversary. If you’d like to speak with him, I’ll shoot him a memo if he ever comes back.

King Snarf backs up against the far ropes, looking nervously around the ring...

CS: But you know, I’d hate for you to be less than one hundred percent for the match. You’re gonna need every percentage point you’ve got to spare.

Snarf relaxes visibly...

CS: It really hurts me to see this, Snarf. Supposedly the greatest champion to ever wear an RDCW Heavyweight title belt, and you won’t face someone who’s still looking for his first one without some piece of paper giving you carte blanche to... to do what, exactly? I mean, if you don’t think you can win without doing something you’re not sure you can get away with in a no disqualification match, what were you thinking taking the management up on their invitation? To be honest, Snarf, as easy as it may be for me to laugh at you, I’m pretty disappointed with all the shit you’ve done to try and ‘make the RDCW lame’. Last time I fought you, you tried to leave the arena in a cab, and it took some excellent work on the part of our new tag team champions to forcibly return you to the ring. Sometimes I just don’t get you, Snarf.

Sammitch looks back at Meeko and hands Snarf back the papers...

CS: So here’s what you’re going to do. I’ll sign your waivers... just as soon as you rephrase them to specify that neither combatant slated to compete in the title match will be held responsible for any injuries directly incurred one upon the other, through any form of contact deemed by RDCW officials to be incidental to the conduct of a wrestling match, disqualifications or no.

KS: What?

Meeko: It means that you are legally responsible for anything that happens outside the constraints of the match itself. Anything before the match starts. Anything after the match ends. And, since Falls Count Anywhere was not named as a stipulation for tonight’s match, anything outside the ring.

Sweet Marlene: We know how much you love ‘making the RDCW lame’, Snarf. If you think you can dance around having to fight an actual wrestling match by looking for a loophole, you’re wasting your time. And if that’s not the case, if you were seriously hoping to intimidate us by threatening...

Chewy Walrus does an impeccable impression of Snarf’s tone...

Chewy Walrus: ‘INSANE levels of violence!’

The crowd laughs again...

SM: You’re still wasting your time.

CS: Thanks, guys. Now, Snarf, I know you’re probably thinking I’m out to ruin your fun, but honestly, all I want is a real live wrestling match. No Hawaiian shirts, no slumber parties, no ‘manly’ hugging. Just two guys in the ring kickin’ each other’s asses. I’ll sign your papers, and I’m sure the legal team will as well... just as soon as you make the requested alterations. I’m well aware this is strictly legal protection, and has no bearing on actions taken to influence the outcome of the match. And I’m not naïve enough to think you won’t still try and get away with something, but that’s okay. Just remember – there’s one of you and five of us. You’re not dealing with the Sudden Death Connection. And you’re not dealing with the babyface, law-abiding, crowd-pleasing Captain Sammitch. Not anymore.

Pops from the crowd...

CS: I believe we’ve wasted enough time talking. There’s my reply, take it or leave it. You can forfeit the match if you want, make it as lame as you want, but one way or the other, for the title or not, in the ring or not, you and I are gonna fight tonight. Don’t you still want it to count for something? It’s your choice...