Maxim
Demolition Man: A spineless man’s guide to dumping his girlfriend.February 2005
1. Lay the GroundworkQuitting a relationship is kind of like running a marathon: Do it on an impulse and you’ll run out of steam before reaching the finish line. Better strengthen your resolve with mental imagery. Here’s how: Every day for a couple of weeks, envision what your life would be like if you wimped out and stayed with her until just past Valentine’s Day…or after her cousin’s wedding…or until she’s over the death of her dog. Now flash forward 10 years to her in saddlebags with a squealing tyke on her hip. Can’t you feel your resolve growing by the minute? Good.
Avoid at all costs- Hanging out together too much. At this late stage even the way she chews her food is gonna set you on edge, and you don’t want to explode with “That’s it!” until you’re capable of taking her on.
- Sex. Feast like a peasant before the drought and it’ll weaken your resolve and fill her ammo arsenal. As in, “You can’t dump me now; I let you cross the Delaware for the last 10 nights!” Stay focused and abstain. Just like Britney used to do way back when.
- Trying to piss her off by getting drunk in front of her friends…and then hitting on them. Trust us, it’s not worth the effort—or what it’ll do to your reputation in the future.
Little white lie that worksSaying you can’t get together because you’re “busy with work” sets off alarms. Instead, say you’re about to get fired and are working late to save your neck while searching for another gig. Sympathy and much-needed space will ensue—women hate dating the unemployed.
2. Choose the Right SiteReady to break the news? Consider cushioning the blow by doing it in the comfort of her own home. “She’ll feel more in control,” explains Laurie Frankel, author of It’s Not Me…It’s You! (And Can We Not Be Friends?). “And she at least gets to tell you when to leave. Small compensation, but when pride is on the line, every bit counts.”
Avoid at all costs- Public places. Parks, cafés, and other areas with people milling about may sound safe, but girls see right through the ploy. “Giving someone the heave-ho is private business,” explains Frankel. “Doing it in public forces the dumpee to maintain her composure or be further humiliated by falling to pieces in front of strangers.”
- Any place rife with fond memories. Meeting up at that bar where you two used to coo over happy hour drinks sounds convenient, but it ruins her ability to ever go there again. Leave her with some untainted, happy memories of you, for God’s sake.
- E-mail. Unless you want it to get forwarded to everyone from here to Bermuda with the intro, “Hey, look at what dickweed wrote,” keep your confessions verbal and untraceable.
Little white lie that worksBefore heading to her place, call and say, “Hey, I’m in the neighborhood, can I swing by?” You know your visit’s premeditated, but don’t let her catch on. And definitely don’t say, “We need to talk.” Everyone knows that’s code for, “We need to break up,” and even if you’re pretty much in her driveway when you say it, she’ll use whatever precious minutes she has to formulate tons of reasons why you can’t live without her. So keep the element of surprise on your side, and make your setup unpredictable.
3. Start WreckingOnce you’ve arrived at the chopping block, be quick. Breaking up is like removing a Band-Aid: Rip it off fast and it’ll hurt less. Just say, “I was really excited at first, but I’m just not feeling it the way I used to.” That way it’s about your feelings —a virtually bulletproof argument since she can’t change ’em. Even better, make her think the parting of ways is mutual. “I dumped a girlfriend by saying, ‘I think we both know it’s not working out,’” recalls Nick, 29. “Calmest breakup ever.”
Avoid at all costs- Clichés: “It’s not you, it’s me.” “It’s not fair to you.” “Let’s still be friends.” They may be true, but catch phrases backfire. “They say, ‘I couldn’t do better than to tell you clichés,’” explains Lynn Harris, author of Breakup Girl to the Rescue!: A Superhero’s Guide to Love, and Lack Therof. Be original, at least.
- Explaining you’re just not ready for a relationship. This line makes sense if you’re, oh, 22, but otherwise women know it means you’re not ready for a relationship right now with her. “It’s normally offered only by guys who are then married to someone else within 18 months,” explains recently dumped Fiona, 29.
- Saying you’re gay. As plausible as it may seem to every woman you’ve dated, you’ll be between a rock and an engorged hard place if she introduces you to her friend Mario. Give her, and yourself, the dignity of knowing that you simply don’t find her attractive anymore.
Little white lie that worksSay, “I still have feelings for an ex-girlfriend, and I have to see if there’s something there.” Women respect seniority. And she won’t get angry. Robin, 24, agrees. “If it’s a lie or not, you can’t take it personally.” (Just don’t mention she’s a stripper.)
4. Finish the JobShe’ll have plenty of questions to chip away at your resolve, so keep things vague. Point out how you fall below her standards. “That way I’ll feel empowered because I’m not settling for less than I deserve,” says Laura, 28. “It makes me feel like it was my decision…even though I totally just got dumped.”
Avoid at all costs- The truth. You’re already putting a knife in her heart; don’t turn it with specifics. “I don’t need you to tell me I’m too fat/dimwitted/mustachioed/much like your mom,” says Maria, 26.
- Going on about what a jerk you are. “Of course I want them to admit they’re being shitty,” says Laura, “but not to the point that I’m thinking, You are a shitbag and even you don’t like me. Talk about demoralizing!”
- Dangling a carrot. Resist the temptation to make her stop crying/begging/yelling by suggesting it might work out in the future, unless you want her checking in every six weeks.
Little white lie that worksIf she asks, “Is there someone new?” the answer is always, “Of course not.” Even if there is.
5. Sweep Up Before You LeaveDon’t let her wallow or rail on you for more than 20 minutes. After that you’re bound to start rehashing the same things. The best way to wrap things up? Leave her with a compliment like, “Our time together has been amazing.” As Laura says, “I’m always going to replay some horrible insult in my head, so it’d be better to have something positive to focus on to balance it out.” Then get up to leave, even if she’s a blubbering mess.Give her a warm, firm hug (if she doesn’t smack you away first), tell her you’re very sorry, then skulk off.
Avoid at all costs- Going overboard with compliments. “Don’t tell me I’m the most wonderful girl you’ve ever met,” says Robin. “’Cause it’s like, ‘Then why are you dumping me, you fuckwad?’” Don’t piss her off further—you obviously didn’t think she was your dream girlfriend, and that’s OK to admit.
- Rounding up your possessions. If you must, be a gentleman and throw the ball in her court with, “Would it be easier for you if I got my stuff right now, or do you want to deal with it later?” If she says she’d rather mail it to you, leave her money for postage and pray she doesn’t throw out your stuff.
- One shag for the road. She’s desperately trying to change your mind, and you’re almost in the clear. Don’t give in! Use all your self-control to go home and rub one out: It’s the difference-maker between amateurs and breakup pros.
Little white lie that worksLingering at the door, say, “I feel as if I could be making a monumental mistake.” Just make sure to close the door before you start doing your victory dance. Now rendezvous with friends at bar, as planned.
6. Damage ControlYou’re not free yet. Next she’ll call looking for “closure,” a fancy term for asking questions she doesn’t want answered. Stick to the lines you learned in Step 4. You guys can become friends, but for now keep your distance.
Avoid at all costs- Calling to see how she’s doing. Get over yourself, pal. She may be hurt, but you haven’t convinced her her life is over, unless she’s highly unstable. So don’t do it!
- Calling ’cause you’re horny. “Ex sex” is great, but make sure to wait one month for every three you were together. That should give her enough time to stop hating you.
- Calling to ask about her friends. Reference sex is an investment that takes time. “I made a point of staying friends with my ex,” boasts Jay, 25. “Thanks to her rave reviews of me, I ended up sleeping with three of her friends.”
Little white lie that worksTell her friends, “We weren’t right for each other, but I still think she’s amazing. I miss her a lot.” It’ll have healing powers—trust us.
