RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts Joke of the Day

~I Cant's Believe ~

Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking
about their daughters.

The Brunette said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I
found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes." The Redhead said,
"Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle
of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks. The Blonde said, "I was
looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I
can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

Don't want no more...of the crying game...

How about this for an argument about pre-marital sex, or would this be
for?
Picture on the Night Stand After a long night of making love this guy rolls over, and lookingaround he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. Your boyfriend then?" he asked. No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

Two guys were sitting at a restaurant talking. The first guy looks
at his friend and says, "You know, a funny thing happened to me
today at the bus station. I saw this beautiful blonde behind the
counter, and instead of saying, 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,' I
said, 'I'd like a picket to breast burgh.' Then she slapped me right
across the face."

His friend chuckled and said, "Something similar
happened to me. I was sitting having dinner with my wife. During the meal I meant to say, 'Could you pass the peas,' but what I ended up saying was, 'I should have never married you, you ugly slob!'" :lol:

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given
some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

(1)- kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel.

(2)- or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can
shatter.

(3)- and never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a
"GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it.

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety and Mom waits and
waits until just after midnight when she's back.
"How was it" asks mom.
"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic and I think I'm in love!"
"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely
careful not to hurt or harm me!"
"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"
"Not exactly mom, see it was like this:

First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said and he
stopped. Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part and I told him what you said and he then took his hands out and said surprised;
"What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Sausage" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook" !!!!
"WHAT" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no
different than the others."
"You hopefully stopped him there too, did you?"
"Well, not really mother. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" sausage. Every now and then he took even it out and had me "taste it" if it was cooked or not.

I don't get it.

:lol: :lol:

A man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra. Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminantly, please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail...

So the next week the Man shows up with his wife, the Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room... The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn invidious positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient. "Sir", The Doctor Says.." There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either!"

A man comes in a bar for a drink. On the bar is a tiny little piano
player, about a foot tall, playing a tiny piano. The man asked the
guy with the piano player what the story was on the little guy.

"Well," said the man, the bartender is granting wishes and will give
you whatever you ask for."
"Wow" said the man, and he went to the bartender and said "I want a million bucks."
"Ok" said the bartender, and all of a sudden there were thousands of ducks all over the place.
"What's going on" said the man. "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks."
The other guy said "I didn't ask for a
12-inch pianist either."

This guy was walking down the beach one day and he came across a bottle. He decided to rub the bottle and out popped a Genie who promised to grant one wish. He thought for a while and finally decided to ask if he could sleep with three women at once. The Genie replied, "your wish will be granted" and returned to the bottle. That night the man heard a knock at the door and opened it to find Lorena Bobbitt. He invited her in and she made herself comfortable. Next to show up was Tanya Harding, then Katherine Harris. The guy thought to himself ... these must be the three, they're not the best looking, but its not every day that I get to have wild sex lovin' with three women .... So that night they did their thing.

In the morning he awoke with some big problems: His pecker was cut off, both legs were broken, and he had no health insurance!

A guy goes into his doctor and says, "Doctor, I've been thinking long and hard about it... and I want a castration."

The doctor was in shock. "Are... are you sure?"

"Don't try to talk me out of it, Doc!" the man said. "My wife and I have talked it over and we've decided that it's the best thing for me right now."

"But," the doctor continued, "you won't be able to..."

"Not another word!" the man said. "I want this surgery done and that's final! Give me my castration!"

So the doctor begrudgingly made an appointment and the man came in for his operation, which was a success.

Limping down the halls of the hospital after the surgery, the man noticed another patient limping towards him in a similar manner.

"Hey," the man said, "looks like you got the same operation I did!"

"Yup," the other one said. "After having just converted to Judaism, I figured it was high-time I buckle down and get my circumsicion!"

The man stopped and slapped himself in the forehead. "THAT'S what it's called!"

A woman brought a very limp parrot in to a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a
few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

"The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat
back, shook its head, meowed, jumped down and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your
parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to
the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!!" The vet
shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been
$20, but with the Lab report and the cat scan......"

One day a little boy walked in on his mother in the shower. The boy pointed to his mother's patch and said "What’s that mommy?".

The mother not wanting to explain the facts of life to the boy said "that’s my sponge" the boy satisfied with the answer went out.

A few days later the boy again walked in on his mother in the shower. The night before the mother had shaved completely.

The boy noticing the difference asked the mother "where is your sponge?".

The mother said she lost it and the boy satisfied went outside again..

All of a sudden the boy ran back in. "Mommy, mommy I found your sponge! I was looking in Mrs Jones back window and I saw Mrs Jones washing daddy's face with it!"

Pick up lines that my get you killed

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"

Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."

Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His
camel
dies of thirst.
He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his
last,
when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several
yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers
what
looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and
dull
gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked
behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust
an IRS
auditor."
"What do you have to lose! ? You've got no transportation, and it
looks
like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is
right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and
drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no
matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,
there's
going to be a string attached.

London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was
directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine! The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

One day little Susie's neighbor spys her filling in a freshly dug hole in her backyard.

when the neighbor asked why she dug the hole Susie says it was for her goldfish.

"that hole is way too big for a goldfish." the neighbor replied.

To which little Susie said "Well, it's inside your fucking cat!"

You know the world is going crazy when the best
rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold
the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of
arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the
three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush',
'Dick', and 'Colon.'
Need I say more?"

- Chris Rock

A baby seal walks into a bar.

The Mole Family

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Molasses

*sigh*

Molasses.

I ain't the Ill Mac for nothing, playa haytas!

Silence, you!

MOLASSES

That Molasses joke sucked like Lil' Kim on Prom Night.

Here's one:

A man is having trouble pleasing his wife so he goes to the doctor.

Dr: So what's the prob???
Man: I always come up short in bed.
Dr: Have you tried any enhancement drugs???
Man: No I want to go at it naturally.
Dr: Well, you can try this.
1) Go to the store
2) Buy a starter pistol
3) When you're having sex, and you feel the urge, shoot the pistol into the air.
Man: Thanks for the advice I'll give it a shot.

So the man gets home and find his wife waiting, already naked. He jumps right in, and feels the urge to go off. He pulls out the pistol and fires it into the air.

The next day he talks to the doctor again.
Dr: So what happened???
Man: Well I did what you said........
Dr: And..........
Man: We wer in the 69 position and I felt the urge.......
Dr: And.........
Man I pulled the trigger........
Dr: And..........
Man: I startled my wife, so she took a dump on my face and bit my cock almost completely off. Then three of my neighbors ran out of the closet screaming "Don't shoot!!!"

A man goes to the doctor for a stuttering problem.

I-I-I-I can't seem to s-t-t-top s-t-t-s-s-t-tt-uttering.

So the doctor has a look and tells him his penis is the problem, the man has an 18 inch penis, and it is literally pulling on his vocal chords.

"In order for the problem to go away, I'm going to take about 12 inches off"

The man says "I've had this problem so long I'll do whatever to get rid of it"

So after the operation he speaks normally, a few days later he comes back to the doctor and says:

"I'm speaking great now, but my sex life stinks, I'd rather have my stuttering than this"

The doctor looks at him and says: "F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fuck off-f-f-f!!!!

An Amish guy is taking his goods to market with his dog sitting in the buggy beside him. The guy decides that he's going to slow and gives the horse a little smack with his whip. The horse turns to him and says, "Don't whip me!"

The Amish guy yells out in amazement, "I didn't know the horse could talk!"

The dog says, "Neither did I."

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins

and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his

clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the

room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices

a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early

to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure

enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at

the table eating.

Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and

delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a

black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so

clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that!

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your

Pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!"

awww... how cute and adult-themed was that?

Hey!! A faithful man is a sexy man!!

Hmmm... what is "faithful"?

Didja hear the one about the jump rope and the vaccuum cleaner? No? Ah skip it, it sucks.

Pardon the racist joke.

A black guy, a mexican, and a white guy find a strange lamp lying in the gutter. The black dude picks it up and rubs it, out comes a genie. The Genie says "I am the Genie of the lamp, I will grant each of you ONE wish". The mexican guy thinks on it and says "just one? Okay, I wish all my people could be sent back to my homeland". *Poof!* All the Mexicans are back in Mexico. Genie turns to the black guy, he says "That's a good idea, I wish all my people could be sent back to Africa. *Poof* All the blacks go home. The white guy looks at the Genie and asks: "So you just sent all the Mexicans back to Mexico?" "Uh huh", says the Genie. "And all the Blacks are sent to Africa?" "That is right" Says the Genie. "What is your wish?" The white guy finally says "well...I'll have a coke".

Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they
should go to college so they could get ahead.

Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him to take Math,
History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.

"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor. "Do you own
a weed-eater?"

"Sure do," the redneck responded.

"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the
professor went on.

"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.

"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a
house. Is that right?"

"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by
yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife. Right?"

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are
heterosexual rather than homosexual. Is that right?"

"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I
ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the
hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"?
Cooter asks.

"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.

"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a weed-eater?"

"No." says Cooter.

"You're Queer, aintcha?"

Waht's the difference between Like and Love?.......Spit and Swallow.

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which,by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried...but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared
and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away ....


"Hellooooo - we're all down here

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner?" says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you; he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy. "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
==============================================
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
==============================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."

"Oh, God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me!"

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looks up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
==============================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.'"
==============================================
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin. There's no paper on this side either."