RKMBs Forums .::Robegories::. Comic Books Maxim's 30 lamest super-heros. Let the flame wars begin!

30. Silver Surfer
Status: Member of the Defenders
Secret identity: Norrin Rad
Origin: In exchange for planet-eating Galactus sparing his home world of Zenn-la, Norrin Rad became his lackey, the Silver Surfer. Eventually, he defies the gargantuan planet hog and starts using his power for good.
Power: He has superstrength, invulnerability, and can shoot beams of the power cosmic. Also has great balance.
Why so lame: More like a living billboard for sports drinks, the Silver Surfer always looked like he was traversing the cosmos buck naked. And why would an alien space traveler have a surfboard anyway?

29. Blue Beetle
Status: Member of the Justice League of America
Secret identity: Ted Kord
Origin: Ted Kord, former chairman of the board of KORD Inc., uses his electronic genius to fight crime as the Blue Beetle.
Power: Hes got none, but he does own a buttload of giant beetle-shaped gadgets and vehicles.
Why so lame: Hes a little too in love with his whole bizarre Beetle motif. Its not as if beetles are extraordinary bugs or anything. Now, Crimson Caterpillarthats a name!

28. Green Lantern
Status: Member of the Justice League of America
Secret identity: Multiple; currently Kyle Rayner
Origin: One of over 3,000 members comprising the Corps, Green Lantern of Space Sector 2814 protects Earth, the surrounding cosmos, and the Diamond District.
Power: A ring that can create force fields, cast destructive beams, heal the wounded, and make the gals at the parlor positively green with envy.
Why so lame: His superpowers come from battery-powered jewelry. Most degradingly, hes defenseless against the color yellow. If you should encounter the Lantern, shower him in spray butter. While he obsessive-compulsively polishes his ring, run.

27. Darkman
Status: Probably lurking somewherewatch behind you!
Secret identity: Peyton Westlake
Origin: Hideously burned by gangsters who were ransacking his laboratory, Darkman lurks in the shadows, fighting injustice and changing his face more often than his underwear.
Power: Synthetic skin enables Darkman to assume different identities but only for brief amounts of time. Hes alsowhats the term? totally farking nuts.
Why so lame: A walking plastic surgery disaster? What kind of hero is that?!

26. The Phantom
Status: Former member of the Defenders of the Earth
Secret identity: Kit Walker
Origin: After witnessing his parents killed by pirates (arrrh!), the mysterious Phantom, um, shakes his fist and threatens bad guys from his jungle hideout.
Power: Hes got no powers to speak of. He is known, though, to carry handguns, and he sports a ring with a skull on it. He also wears purple tights. Or would that be eggplant?
Why so lame: A pair of six-shooters and a trusty steed are fine if youre Clint Eastwood. But if youre a hermit in a unitard, it sucks.

25. SHE-RA
Secret identity: Princess Adora
Origin: He-Mans twin sister.
Power: She has superstrength, a flying pony, and roid-rage-fueled PMS.
Why so lame: When bad guys are hunky, she must remember to tape over her supernipples before getting into costume or theyll slice through the fabric, traumatizing children.

24. DAREDEVIL
Secret identity: Matt Murdock
Origin: Blinded by radioactive waste, Murdock swore to fight crime after goons murdered his boxer dad. Is also a lawyer.
Power: He has batlike radar sense that makes up for his lack of seeingnesssort of.
Why so lame: Hes. A. Blind. Superhero. Whats next? Quadriplegic Stone Deaf Man?

23. CAPTAIN MARVEL
Secret identity: Billy Batson
Origin: A subway-dwelling wizard (yeah, sure, buddy) gave young Billy the ability to turn into an adult superhero.
Power: By saying Shazam!, Billy can fly and is invulnerable.
Why so lame: Is he a little boy who can become a grown man or vice versa? Either way you slice it, its icky.

22. THE FLASH
Secret identity: Barry Allen
Origin: Simultaneously struck by lightning and doused with chemicals (What sign was this asshole born under?), Barry Allen became the fastest man alivethe Flash!
Power: He can run really fast. Alsono, wait, thats it.
Why so lame: When a curb can defeat you, youre lame.

21. INVISIBLE WOMAN
Secret identity: Sue Storm
Origin: On a rocket designed by her future husband, Reed Richards, Sue took a radiation bath that gave her superpowers. Which issuper!
Power: She can turn invisible and set up force fields.
Why so lame: Now, Inaudible Woman is something we could all get behind

20. MOON KNIGHT
Secret identities: Marc Spector, Steven Grant, Jake Lockley
Origin: Marc Spector gave up the soldier-of-fortune biz and invented several new identities, including Moon Knight.
Power: None.
Why so lame: What kind of nocturnal avenger wears all white? Why not just put blinking lights on your head, dork?

19. PUCK
Secret identity: Eugene Judd
Origin: Soldier of fortune (thats original) Eugene fell victim to an evil spirit that transformed him into a beefy midget. Doh!
Power: Hes very strong and can somersault ferociously.
Why so lame: Hes a midget in a leotard named for a chunk of rubber that gets slapped around by Canadians. Any questions?

18. HOURMAN
Secret identity: Rex Tyler
Origin: Rex developed an addictive miracle drug named Miraclo (duh!), which gives a person momentary superpowers.
Power: Strength, near-invulnerability, and speedfor an hour.
Why so lame: His powers can be nullified by a traffic delay. When taken in the bedroom, he becomes 30-second Man.

17. MAN-THING
Secret identity: Ted Sallis
Origin: A lab accident in a swamp turned biochemist Sallis into a lumbering heap of vegetation.
Power: Photosynthesis. His touch burns anyone who fears him. Looks pretty in the den, by the window.
Why so lame: He looks like something a vegan vomited up.

16. BLACK LIGHTNING
Secret identity: Jefferson Pierce
Origin: Jefferson acquired an electricity-generating superbelt to help him fight crime and dispense justice in the ghetto.
Power: Can generate electricityenough to power a small black-and-white television for up to 20 minutes.
Why so lame: Judging by Black Lightnings credentials (disco tights and funky belt), Bootsy Collins could be a superhero.

15. WONDER WOMAN
Secret identity: Princess Diana (no, not that one)
Origin: Chosen by the Amazons to serve as their crime-fighting champion in the world of Man.
Power: Superstrength, a pair of bullet-deflecting bracelets, and a gold lasso that makes people tell the truth. In other words, the girlfriend from hell.
Why so lame: PMS. See this star-spangled stripper in the parking lot, feeling around for her invisible jet? Back off.

14. SHE-HULK
Secret identity: Jennifer Walters
Origin: The Mob tried to rub out Jenny with a shower of bulletsLittle did they know her cousin was Bruce the Hulk Banner. After an emergency green-blood transfusion, Jennifer became the She-Hulk.
Power: She has superstrength; can pulverize any johnson between her mighty she-labia.
Why so lame: Basically, shes just a hot green chick. Yawn.

13. FIRESTORM
Secret identities: Ronny Raymond and Martin Stein
Origin: An accident fused the minds of student Ronny and professor Martin into one hero: Firestorm.
Power: He can fly and phase through solid objects.
Why so lame: Imagine trying to fight crime as a voice in your head corrects your grammar

12. THOR
Secret identity: Donald Blake
Origin: The son of the Norse god Odin, Thor was punished for his arrogance and forced to assume the part-time identity of a crippled medical student.
Power: He has superstrength, flight, and a magic hammer; has amazing blond hair with body and bounce!
Why so lame: Any superhero whod be played by Fabio should quit and start hitting the mead.

11. GREEN ARROW
Secret identity: Oliver Queen
Origin: Stuck on a deserted island, Oliver taught himself the hunting skills that hed later use to fight bad guys.
Power: He has incredible aimalso uses trick arrows that wear cute boxing gloves.
Why so lame: Archery skills were long ago left in the dust by more advanced weaponslike, oh, say, clubs.

10. SUPERMAN
Secret identity: Clark Kent
Origin: Kal-El, an orphan from the planet Krypton, was adopted by farmers the Kents.
Power: He can fly, and he possesses superstrength, invulnerability, X-ray vision, heat vision, freezing breathand two clanking balls of steel.
Why so lame: Hes a cornfed, holier-than-thou Boy Scout with a lame disguise. Cmon!

9. CAPTAIN PLANET
Secret identity: Sting (um, we think)
Origin: Summoned when five multiethnic kids combined the power of their rings, Captain Planet helps thwart ecovillains.
Power: He can fly, and he sports a green mullet; weaknesses include littering, toxic waste. Can never enter New Jersey.
Why so lame: Hes Greenpeaces own Superman!

8. APACHE CHIEF
Secret identity: Token Native American
Origin: Apache Chief was given his superabilities by his tribes medicine man.
Power: By saying a magic word, Apache Chief can grow 50 feet tallbut as his costumes a loincloth, the view aint pretty.
Why so lame: Seems like more of a Mohegan Sun attraction than a superhero.

7. DR. HENRY PYM
Secret identity: Lessee, theres Yellowjacket, Ant-Man, Goliath
Origin: After thugs murdered his wife, Pym assumed a number of different superhero identities, all pathetic.
Power: Can become big or little. Has Napoleon and reverse-Napoleon complexes.
Why so lame: One awful identity is bad enough, but Pym has struck out four different times.

6. BANSHEE
Secret identity: Sean Cassidy
Origin: An Irish member of Interpol, Banshee actually got his start as a bad guy before Professor X sought him out to join the X-Men. Been fighting the good fight, downing Guinness, and pestering N Sync with his rsum ever since.
Power: His scream can shatter and destroy things, and he can fly. Banshee does not, however, have the gift of the blarney.
Why so lame: What? You mean besides the fact that hes known to villains as Shrieks-Like-a-Girl Man? Couldnt they come up with something better? Shillelagh Man wouldve been 10 times cooler.

5. DAZZLER
Secret identity: Alison Blaire
Origin: Using her hush-hush abilities, Dazzler became a famous disco singer, but the mirrored ball stopped turning when a boyfriend persuaded her to reveal to the world that she was a despised mutant. Typical.
Power: She can convert sound into brilliant displays of light and color. Ooh! Aah!
Why so lame: OK, youre a hardened crook, and whats that in the distance? A shining chick in a silver jumpsuit on roller skates zooming to irritate your corneas! Dazzler should have gone down with the disco ship. Fun fact: Is the only hero ever to have been spotted at Studio 54.

4. MATTER-EATER LAD
Secret identity: Tenzil Kem
Origin: Matter-Eater Lad was born on the toxic planet Bismoll (no word on its companion star Pepto), where the locals evolved superguts that enabled them to eat any substanceeven British food. Was allowed to join the Legion of Super-Heroes, who will apparently take just about anybody.
Power: Can consume any matteranimal, vegetable, or mineral. Is a big hit with the ladies.
Why so lame: Lets say Matter-Eater Lad was trapped in a steel-reinforced concrete vault. He could eat his way out of it. But those bowel movements

3. DOCTOR STRANGE
Secret identity: Stephen Strange
Origin: After a car accident impaired his abilities as a surgeon, Stephen Strange moved to N.Y.C.s fabulous West Village, hired an Asian manservant, and became asorcerer.
Power: He wears the fashionable Eye of Agamotto necklace that can do all sorts of plot-convenient things, like open up dimensional gateways. Also has a Swedish-porn-star mustache.
Why so lame: Dr. Strange is Dr. Ka-ray-zee! Looks like hed be comfortable in a kimono, sipping a martini before asking you to play strip Jenga with the rest of the hepcat swingers.

2. AQUAMAN
Secret identity: Arthur Curry
Origin: Aquaman was born to a mixed marriage: His father was an average Joe, and his mother was the deposed queen of an advanced underwater civilization. Devoted himself to crime fighting to avenge the death of his childhood sea monkeys or some shiat. Currently playing comic relief for a number of different supergroups.
Power: He can breathe underwater, swim fast, and, best of all, communicate with fish. Plus, his fingers never, ever get wrinkly.
Why so lame: Im trapped infriggingtuna net again. Swordfish! Hear and obey! Stop laughing and cut me loose!

1. ROBIN
Status: Sidekick
Secret identity: Dick Grayson
Origin: Dick watched helplessly as his circus acrobat parents got whacked by some Gotham City gangsters. (Hey, we just figured out why!) Adopted by Bruce Wayne/Batman and vowing revenge, he became the fearsome, um, Boy Wonder. Evilsnickerbetter beware!
Power: He can swing from ropes, ride shotgun, tidy up the living room, and peek out from behind Batmans cape.
Why so lame: Robin isnt just lamehes hands-down the most embarrassing, useless, and completely ridiculous superhero ever. No powers, a femmy nickname, a figure-skater costume, and no actual responsibilities of his own. Why he wasnt super-wedgied a long time ago is beyond us.

Now one by someone who posts under the handel "Thlayli" on Fark.com:

quote:

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25- He-Man: He had a magic sword. He changed shirts, and nobody recognized him. He rode a big green tiger. And he never, ever captured his enemies.

24- Robin II (Jason Todd): Unlike Dick Grayson and Tim Drake, he didn't finish his training, he was a whiny, self-centered little shiat, and Batman fans overwhelmingly voted him killed when they were given the opportunity.

23- Black Lightning: He was the SuperFriend's equivalent of South Park's Token. Black superheroes got better after that... Green Lantern, The Falcon... wait...

22- The Falcon: He could fly, and talk to his bird friend (see also: Sea Man and Swallow).

21- Bucky: Speaking of Captain America sidekicks, Bucky is the only character that's stayed continually dead since he died, and that's his good point. His powers? Nothing. His origin? He caught Cap changing clothes. No training, nothing... he saw Cap naked, and they gave him a mask to keep him quiet.

20- Rocket Racer: Former Spider-Man villain. He had a rocket-powered skateboard, and he was easy to beat no matter which side of the law he was on. Plus, he had a rocket-powered skateboard.

19- Elongated Man: Well, Marvel had Mister Fantastic, who could stretch. DC had Plastic Man, who could stretch and change shapes. The, DC wanted another stretchy guy, so Ralph Dibny was conceived.

18- Superboy: Not to be confused with the modern Superboy, who's lame for his own reasons. Superboy was... Clark Kent when he was a kid in Smallville, before he started wearing his glasses. And STILL nobody recognized him in costume.

17- Cypher: Doug Ramsey was Kitty Pryde's friend before either of them knew the other was a mutant. But Doug's power was that he could, um, understand any language. Now, I don't know how many times they had to consult foreign manuals for their weapons in New Mutants at that point, but I'd have to assume that Cypher was absolutely useless in a firefight.

16- Silver Surfer: That's right... I included Silver Surfer as well, Power Cosmic or not. It's because he was named the Silver Surfer by Galactus, who hadn't been to Earth yet, and hadn't seen any surfing. See also: Rocket Racer.

15- Le Peregrine: Gotta look back a ways to see this guy. He was the french "flying hero" in the Contest of Champions crossover (Marvel's first crossover ever, btw), and he was pitted against Angel, who was born with his wings. And the French fark beat Angel, which I, personally, thought was stupid.

14- Captain Planet: Yeah. Just out of principle.

13- Wonder Woman: Yeah, I know she's a good, powerful hero. But... she was from an island populated with women, steeped in Greek mythology... and yet, she shows up, and her costume is covered in the red, white, and blue, and stars and stripes, and an eagle for a bustier. And she made up a secret identity wherein she took off her tiara, and still nobody recognized her.

12- Man-Thing: Yes, the name helps make him lame. But also, well, fear burned at the Man-Thing's touch. In a fight with a guy called D'Spayre,, all D'Spayre had to do was scare Man-Thing, and he burst into flame all on his own.

11- Angel: I know I mentioned him earlier, and that I had been pissed off when Le Peregrine beat him, but, still, he's a guy with big, feathery wings. It didn't help him much when Apocalypse turned him blue and gave him metal wings that shot our razor-sharp feathers, either.

10- Azreal: Actually, he was kinda cool, except for the fact that he was named after Gargamel's cat.

9- Scarlet Witch: We don't know what her powers are going to do, and neither does she. It's like a box of Crackerjacks, except with explosions.

8- Wild Child: Take Wolverine and Sabretooth. Remove everything that's cool about them. It's Wild Child!

7- Toro: Okay, the first Human Torch (not Johnny Storm from the FF) had a sidekick named Toro. The Torch was an android who burst into flame. Toro was a kid who caught on fire one day, and stayed that way.

6- Speedy: Another sidekick, but this time with a twist: he got hooked on smack. BOY was Green Arrow pissed.

5- Hawkeye: Speaking of Green Arrow, how about a ripoff of him, except purple? I'm really not that big of a "trick arrow" fan, though.

4- Superman: Yes, I'm including him, too. Why? Because he's just too much. He's got all these powers, because of his reaction to the color of our sunlight. He was raised by rednecks, and we're supposed to believe that he didn't turn out to be a drunken wife-beater? I mean... come on.

3- ROM, Space Knight: The toy came first... that's really all that needs to be said.

2- Speedball: Actually, it depends on which one you're talking about... the wholesome one from his regular series, or the rebellious character from the New Warriors that was NOTHING like how he was first introduced. Oh yeah, and he bounces around, and can't control it all that well.

and, the last hero in this list that ended up being in no particular order...

1- Strong Guy: Converts kinetic energy into mass and strength. He wouldn't be all that lame, truth be told, except for the fact that his name... is Strong Guy. And he wears goggles. Goggles suck ass.

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Maxim is a magazine by and for idiots. I really don't give a rat's ass what they have to say.

Besides, any magazine that says Superman, Robin/Dick Grayson, Green Arrow, Silver Surfer, the Flash, and all the other icons they mentioned on the list are "the lamest heroes ever" isn't worth jack, anyway.

Re Green Arrow: Umm ... didn't clubs come before bows? I mean, I realize Maxim is an idiot's magazine, but that's just plain dumb.

--Rich

This is absurdly stupid.

With the exception of Captain Planet, that entire list is the worst thing I've ever read.

The writers and editors of Maxim can eat a dead dog's cock. Bunch of half-talented jackasses who spank it to the fantasy of working for quality periodicals like Grit, Boys Life, and YM and dream of someday working for Cosmo...

But, then, I'm not the semi-literate moron who buys that crap-mag.

I actually enjoy Maxim...

The list is crap, but the magazine is still entertaining.

I hate Superman too.

Maxim is a good magazine. Why? Because they take pot shots at everyone, including themselves. I file this under them having fun with the reader and pissing a lot of them off. That's what that magazine is about. I've seen them blast a movie in one issue and then praise it in another months down the road. It's just them dileberately trying to rub comic fans the wrong way to generate some hate mail that they can print and make fun of.

I think it takes a special kind of subversive wit to name a character 'Speedball.'

You probaly can't even type the word Speedball on the new DC Boards.

What the fuck.

Oh wait...I got it. That list was the number one for "lamest lists" ever.

Okay, yea...I agree with that.

I am the greatest superhero ever! WOO!!!

I beg to differ. NFL Superpro is the greatest hero ever. Or at least better then Kurt Angle.

Maxim is an incredible magazine (this month-Shania Twain) mmmmmmmmmm. Anyhoo.......It's just an article no need to get too excited about it. The Doctor put it best.....see above post^. I did notice Batman wasn't on the list.

This was obviously written by a comic fan, trying to piss off other comic fans. Anyone here could have written it. Who else would know who Matter-Eating Lad is?

Yea that's really...strange that Batman wasnt on the list. I mean if you really look at it. That list is almost tailor made to offend any comic book fan. Except for big-time Batman fans.

If Batman was included I think anybody who has ever picked up a comic could potentially be offended by that list.

how dare they diss robin? i will never read their shit filled mag again

I do NOT read Maxim. And I would not take that List of Super heroes seriously. Best To ignore it, or just laugh at how dumb it is and ignore it.

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" Sarah, would you like to come to London with me in the TARDIS? We can be there 2 hours ago"

Why don't they just stick to crotch shots and leave our heroes alone?

I've checked out Maxim a couple of times. This is their brand of humor. I don't see anything wrong with it because I see it for what it is, like thedoctor said.

And if you really think about it, their comments about Moon Knight are pretty spot on.

I was amused because of all the little indescrpancies.Kyle Raynor's ring weak against yellow,Thor's secret ID of Donald Blake & so on.On the downside,it showed the true geekiness of my comic knowledge

I thought the list was a hoot. There's nothing wrong with someone poking fun at characters we love -- comics fans do it all the time. It takes nothing away from a character to have a sensahumah!

Maxim is an incredible magazine with loads of titties and loads of laughs.....this article was a joke.....not to be taken to the level of seriousness alot of you have. Relax.....chill out......if you don't like the article go jerk off to Shania Twain. See there's something for everyone.