Good news for Democrats: I will not be joining the Obama administration, because I can't pass the seven-page job application. There are 63 questions, and I couldn't get past No. 8:
"Briefly describe the most controversial matters you have been involved with during the course of your career."
Briefly? They must be kidding.
And if that one didn't tie my shoelaces together, No. 10 would trip me up like a banana peel on a roller skate: "Please list ... each column ... you have authored." I thought there was a statute of limitations for things like that.
But here's good news for Republicans: The Clintons can't pass it, either. They would need a boxcar of butter to grease their way past No. 6 (payments from any foreign government), No. 31 (personal records that you or your spouse will not release publicly) and the deal-buster for Bill, No. 50: "Please list any workplace claims for sexual harassment or other workplace misconduct made against you."
Even a former president can't pass the job application to work for the next one.
And I'm not sure Barack Obama and Joe Biden could pass their own scandal-screening dirt detector.
How does plagiarist Biden answer the one about "all speeches you have given"? Does he include the one he shoplifted from a British politician? Should he include a separate sheet to list all his campaign brain-sneezes, such as telling a guy in a wheelchair to stand up?
And how does Obama answer No. 61: "Have you had any association with any person ... that could be used - even unfairly - to impugn or attack your character and qualifications for government service?"
Lucky for Obama, the New York Times and NBC didn't think it was important to ask any inconvenient questions like that about "family friend" Bill Ayers.
Then again, Obama's test is a lot more thorough than his background check by the media.
Private diaries, embarrassing e-mails (really?), pictures on Facebook or MySpace (OMG), even a physical exam are among Obama's snoopy questions.
It makes you wonder if someone who can pass the test is probably too dull for the Federal Department of Elevator Music and Test Patterns.
So put away that rubber glove, I won't apply. But I can offer a little unsolicited advice to our new president, because I want him to succeed:
Stay away from the Clintons. They are the flesh-eating bacteria of politics. If you hire one, you will get a chronic rash of incurable Bill-Hillaryitis. If Hillary has to be secretary of state, make sure she spends lots of time visiting Tierra del Fuego or Kazakhstan.
Ditto for all those Clinton retreads you're recruiting. Even Janet Reno is a better hire than Rev. Jeremiah Wright. But "Hope and Change" shouldn't look like a closet full of hand-me-downs from the Clinton Thrift Store.
Tell your gushing admirers in the Obama-Girl media to cool it or we will get tired of your presidency before it starts. (See "Jump the Shark.") Please, no more comparisons to Lincoln, FDR, JFK, Gandhi and the Messiah. I haven't seen such gooey puppy love since the Bobby Sherman Fan Club was banned from my junior high for causing mental tooth decay.
Surprise everyone with some real hope and change by telling Generous Motors they won't get a bailout until the bosses cut their salaries to $1 a year and the UAW retools its tailfin contracts for the 21st century.
Surprise us again. Send Mitt Romney or Rudy Giuliani to clean up the Wall Street mess. If it fails, you can blame a Republican - which got you elected. And if it works, you get the credit.
Tell brokers and bankers that anyone who takes jackpot bonuses after panhandling for a federal bailout belongs in stocks. But not the Dow Jones kind - they belong in the ones with holes for both arms and their head, and a big padlock to keep them there when it rains ripe tomatoes.
Don't believe the press clippings about your "flawless campaign." It was only flawless like some of those drug-enhanced home run records - with a big asterisk for media-bias steroids.
Stop answering every question with, "As I've said before..." If we knew you said it before, we wouldn't ask. It's pompous and annoying. Besides, it reminds us that you haven't said anything new since August.
Finally, don't take any advice from know-it-all columnists like me. If we knew anything worthwhile, we'd be able to fill out your job application and get a real job.
