RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The "Ask Dave" Thread.

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".

"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.

"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,

"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"

What happens when a Irish Setter and a Pointer kiss under
the mistletoe?
You get a Pointsetter.

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got
sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa
even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

Al Bundy in MARRIED . . . WITH CHILDREN

"I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is 'I want this,' 'Get me this,' 'I have to have this' . . . and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. 'Ho, ho, ho,' all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the bad guy."

Bart: Hey Santa, what's shakin, man?
Homer: What's your name Bart...ner, uh, little partner...
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
Homer: I'm jolly old St. Nick!
Bart: Oh yeah, we'll just see about that!

You Might Be Canadian If...

You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".

You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.

You wonder why Esther Canadas has been blessed with both beauty and the coolest name on the planet -- although Canuck cutie Shalom Harlow could wipe the floor with her.

You're such a hardcore Canadian punk you used ketchup-flavoured potato chip 'residue' to dye your hair. You know it's kind of gross, but at least you smell good.

You don't consider a date truly romantic until you've slow danced to Blue Rodeo's "Five Days in May". You accept "Lost Together" as a second option.

You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK"

Frank Burns is a twat.
-MisterJLA

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Thread: The "Ask Dave" Thread.