RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts The Revenge of Frank Burns.

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, the man led the way into the den. “What’s that big brass gong for?” one of his guests asked. “That’s the talking clock,” the man replied. “How does it work?” “Watch,” the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly someone on the other side of the den wall screamed, “Knock it off, jerk! It’s two a.m.!”

“Flight 1234,” the control tower advised, “turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement.” “Roger,” the pilot responded, “but we’re at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” “Sir,” the radar man replied, “have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?”

A man went to a dentist to have his upper plate repaired. The dentist commented that the plate was all corroded and rotted, and asked what the man had been eating. “My wife is crazy about hollandaise sauce,” he replied. “We have it all the time.“ “That could do it,” said the dentist. “Hollandaise is acidic and corrosive, but I’ll make the new plate out of chrome.” “Chrome?” asked the patient in disbelief. “Sure,” replied the dentist, “everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”

Years after giving up on motherhood, a 65-year-old woman had a baby with the help of a fertility specialist. All the relatives came to visit, but when they asked to see the baby, the mother held them off. Finally, after about an hour of this, the mother allowed that they could see the baby when it cried. “Why do we have to wait until she cries?” asked one. “Because,” answered the mother, “I forgot where I put her.”

A salesman had to leave the country on business and gave the job of keeping an eye on his wife to his best friend, leaving instructions to notify him immediately should anything out of the ordinary occur. After a week of no news, the businessman got an e-mail saying, “You said to notify you of any changes. The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn’t show up yesterday.”

A sports writer went up to a trainer and asked, “You planning to race your horse today?” The trainer replied, “You bet I am, and I think I can beat him.”



An old man was on his death bed, breathing his last, when he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen. He loved chocolate chip cookies, and before he died he wanted one, so he painfully crawled out of bed and into the kitchen with all his remaining strength. He was about to grab a cookie when his wife slapped him with a spatula. “What’s that about?” he asked feebly, and his wife replied, “Those are for the funeral!”

An old guy was driving down the highway when his car phone rang. It was his wife, who said, “They just reported a car driving the wrong way on the Interstate,” she said. “Please be careful.” “Heck,” replied the man, “it’s not one car: there’s hundreds of them!”


Mohandas Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He alse ate very little, which him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

A duck went into a drugstore to buy some lip gloss. “Will that be cash or charge?” asked the pharmacist. “Neither,” replied the duck, “just put it on my bill.”



A professor went into a drugstore and asked for some acetylsalicylic acid. “Do you mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist. “That’s right,” replied the professor. “I can never remember that word.”



Two guys were out chopping wood when one of them cut his arm off. The other packed the arm in a plastic bag and rushed his friend to the doctor, who said, “You’re lucky. A new procedure has just been developed and we can reattach the arm in four hours. Come back then.” The guy came back to find his friend throwing darts with the reattached arm. A few months later, the guys were out chopping wood again when one of them cut his leg off. The other packed the leg in a plastic bag and rushed his friend to the doctor, who said, “You’re lucky. A new procedure has just been developed and we can reattach the arm in six hours. Come back then.” The guy came back to find his friend kicking soccer balls with the reattached leg. Still later, the guys were out chopping wood again when one of them cut his head off. The other packed the head in a plastic bag and rushed his friend to the doctor, who said, “You’re lucky. A new procedure has just been developed and we can reattach the head in twelve hours. Come back then.” The guy came back, but the doctor said, “I’m sorry, but your friend is dead. He suffocated in the plastic bag!”

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde said, “Here, let me see!” looked in the mirror and said, “You dummy, it’s me!”



A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead. The blonde opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she did so was overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head. The boyfriend; yelled, “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blonde replied, “Shut up, you’re next!”



A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend said, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”

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1. "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast." --an angry McCain aide describing Palin's $150,000 shopping spree (Source)

2. "She is a diva. She takes no advice from anyone. She does not have any relationships of trust with any of us, her family or anyone else. Also, she is playing for her own future and sees herself as the next leader of the party. Remember: Divas trust only unto themselves, as they see themselves as the beginning and end of all wisdom." ―an anonymous McCain adviser complaining to CNN about Palin going off-script

3. "A whack job." ―a top McCain adviser describing Palin, one-upping the McCain adviser who called her a "diva"

4. "I can see Russia from my house!" ―Tina Fey, impersonating Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live

5. "When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa." ―Jon Stewart, on claims that Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience

6. "The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: lipstick, Prada shoes, a Gucci handbag, and a few $3,000 suits" ―from David Letterman's "Top Ten Sarah Palin Excuses for Spending $150,000 on Clothes"

7. "She's not prepared to be governor. How can she be prepared to be vice president or president? Look at what she's done to this state. What would she do to the nation?" ―Alaska State Senate President Lyda Green, who is a Republican

8. "She said that small towns, that's the part of the country she really likes going to because that's the pro-America part of the country. You know, I just want to say to her, just very quickly: F**k you." ―Jon Stewart, speaking about Palin to a college audience in Boston

9. "According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Gov. Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." ―Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

10. "I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two
unwilling teenagers." ―Tina Fey, impersonating Sarah Palin in the VP debate

11. "Sarah Palin was asked a question by a third grader and she got it
wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president
does ... She says he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You
know I would never accuse George Bush of being a bright man, but when
he was elected, at least he knew which building to show up to." ―Bill Maher

12. [Sarah Palin] represents a fatal cancer to the Republican
party." ―conservative columnist David Brooks (Source)

13. "[McCain] knows, in his gut, that he put somebody unqualified on the ballot.
He knows that in his gut, and when this race is over that is something he will
have to live with... He put somebody unqualified on that ballot and he put
the country at risk, he knows that." ―Matthew Dowd, former chief strategist
for President Bush's 2004 reelection campaign (Source)

14. Alec Baldwin, "mistaking" Sarah Palin for Tina Fey on Saturday Night
Live during a conversation with SNL executive producer Lorne Michaels:
"Lorne, I need to talk to you. You can't let Tina go out there with that
woman. She goes against everything we stand for. I mean, good Lord, Lorne,
they call her... what's that name they call her? Cari... Cari... What do they call
her again, Tina?"

Sarah Palin: "That'd be Caribou Barbie."

Baldwin: "Caribou Barbie. Thank you, Tina. I mean, this is the most
important election in our nation's history. And you want her -- our Tina --
to go out there and stand there with that horrible woman. What do you have
to say for yourself?"

15. "It's like a really bad Disney movie. The hockey mom, you know, 'oh, I'm
just a hockey mom'... and she's facing down President Putin... It's totally
absurd... it's a really terrifying possibility... I need to know if she really thinks
that dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago. I want to know that, I really do.
Because she's gonna have the nuclear codes." - ―actor Matt Damon

"Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy." –Craig Ferguson

"It doesn't make it a gotcha question just because it got ya." —Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin complaining that a reporter asked her a “gotcha” question about Paul Revere (the question was "What have you seen so far today, and what are you going to take away from your visit?")


"Sarah Palin is going to London to try to meet with Margaret Thatcher, who's made it clear she won't meet with her. Palin went, 'Who told her I was coming? Was it Paul Revere again?'" –Jay Leno

"There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president. It's a big decision. On
one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on
for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her
called 'The Undefeated.' That's like a documentary about Arnold
Schwarzenegger called 'The Faithful.'" –Jimmy Fallon


"Someone made a two-hour documentary about Sarah Palin's political life. In
case you're interested in watching a movie that's longer than Palin's actual
political life.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A Washington Post columnist is proposing February be a Palin-free month. You know a better month? November 2012." —Jay Leno


"We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal." —Bill Maher

"In her video posted on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin condemned the
media's coverage of the Arizona shootings by using the phrase 'blood libel,'
which refers to a harsh anti-Semitic slur. And I would be super-offended if
I thought she knew that." —Seth Meyers

"Last night was possibly the last show ever of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' for
several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the
equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama
is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government
shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to
do." —David Letterman

"A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39
percent in a potential match up. You know what that means? John McCain could
get Barack Obama elected twice." —Jay Leno

"On Glenn Beck's radio show yesterday, Sarah Palin accidentally said, 'We have
to stand with our North Korean allies.' Then Palin was like, 'Wait. North Korea's
the one in the south, right?'" —Jimmy Fallon

"On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, 'I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry
today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.' After that sentence,
they might take it back." –Jay Leno



"A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists
are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah
Palin became authors." –Jimmy Fallon

"Palin's book just came out. It has just over 300 pages and just under 900 made-
up words." –Jimmy Fallon

"Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristo
l Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in
votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever
be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be
the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best
to 'dismangle' the English language." –Conan O'Brien


"While campaigning in Florida this past weekend, Palin also plugged her
upcoming reality show Sarah Palin's 'Alaska.' If you haven't seen it, the entire
show takes place in Palin's rear view mirror." –Seth Meyers

"On Fox News, they address her as Governor Palin. Which is like calling me
'Dairy Queen employee.' I was once, but I quit." –Tina Fey, in an appearance
on David Letterman


"Bristol Palin is getting married to Levi Johnston. Sarah Palin is so excited that
she can't even make up words to express how thrilled she is." -David Letterman