A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he notices smoke coming out of the chimney and assumes that someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answers.
The old man squints. "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or a place to sleep all that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
The old man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man replies, "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests known to man." "OK, OK," the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
That night, when the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had spent many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but they did keep the noise to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Next morning the man awoke feeling a heavy weight. He opened his eyes and saw a huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "First Chinese Torture Test: 100-pound rock on your chest." "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "Second Chinese Torture Test: Rock tied to right testicle." The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying "Thirrd Chinese Torture Test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
