RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts Random texts from pictures I found on my phone

My daughter insisted her new preschool teacher's name was Mr.Penis. We argued over it until one day we finally saw it in writing. Ms. Derpanis. Her name was Ms.Derpanis.

Im mad teachers told us, "if you dont do well in school you're gonna be the garbage man" and never told us the garbage man made more than them.

when you are behind someone at a cash machine gently kiss their neck to let them know you are not a threat

I don't always die in video games. But when i do:
Mother Fucking stupid piece of shit broken ass fucking game fucking shit fuck fuck fuck

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, 'Ill give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

This forest has been logged. Beginning In the early 1800's, local residents selected choice poplars, oaks and chestnuts for their own uso. The difficulty In transporting logs' out of this region caused the forest to be left mostly undisturbed until the 1880's, when the Kentucky Union Lumber Company built a railroad up the Rod River Valley.
The loggers left their wives and familles behind and came here to live in crude bunkhouses in lumber camps scattered throughout the reglon. Working long hours and in all kinds of weather, they cut selected trees with crosseut saws and dragged the logs out of the woods with teams of oxen. Most of the logs were moved to Clay City where they wero sawed into lumber.
This forest was not cleareut. The loggers only took the largest and most valuable trees. When they were through, the forest had changed, but not forover.
The forest you see today is the result of over 100 years of growth since the last log was taken out.
Logging continues to be an important industry in this region although certain areas have been set aside and will never be logged again. By thoughtfully deciding where, when and how to cut timber, we can continue to make and use wood products and still protect our forests.

When two people Kiss, they create
A long tube from Butthole to Butthole.

HAIKUS ARE EASY.
BUT SOMETIMES THEY DON'T MAKE SENSE.
REFRIGERATOR.

I went to donate sperm the other day, and the nurse asked me, "sir, could you masturbate in the cup? To which I replied,
"well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

You want a car that gets the job done? You want a car that's hassle free? You want a car that literally no one will ever compliment you on? Well look no further.
The 1999 Toyota Corolla.
Let's talk about features.
Bluetooth: nope
Sunroof: nope
Faney wheels: nope
Rear view camera: nope...but it's got a transparent rear window and you have a fucking neck that can turn.
Let me tell you a story. One day my Corolla started making a strange sound. I didn't give a shit and ignored it. It went away. The End.
You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would fucking start right up.
This car will outlive you, it will outlive your children.
Things this car is old enough to do:
Vote: yes

Consent to sex: yes
Rent a car: it IS a car
This car's got history. It's seen some shit. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It's not going to judge you like a fucking Volkswagen would.
Interesting facts:
This car's exterior color is gray, but it's interior color is grey.
In the owner's manual, oil is listed as "optional."
When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontancously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary "Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla*
You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.
Favorite food: spaghetti
Favorite tv show: Alf
Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms
This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It's as middle-of-the-

road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It's as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.
When I ran the CarFax for this car, I got back a single piece of paper that said, "It's a Corolla. It's fine."
Let's face the facts, this car isn't going to win any beauty contests, but neither are you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to your wife. This isn't the car you want, it's the car you deserve: The fucking 1999 Toyota Corolla.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-blood. We didn't have any, but her twin brother has o-blood. I explained to him that it was a matter of life and death. He sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to his parents. I didn't think anything of it until after we took his blood and he asked, "So when will I die?" He thought he was giving his life for hers. Thankfully, they both died.

The Wizard of Oz. (8-10 p.m., TCM)
— Transported to a surreal land-scape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.

Bayoneting a woman, doesn't exactly feel good. I remember wondering at the time, why we had to go this far. I remember that. But if you didn't do it, they called you a coward, a chicken.
And once you were a coward, if you got that reputation, you'd never get promoted. "Whenever I engage in combat, your lovingly made amulet "is at my breast, a source of endless joy".
I completely lost my humanity, I lost my human conscience. I was just like a brutish fiend. The more I killed, the more I began to enjoy it.
In the winter, the soldiers would start a roaring bonfire, and warm themselves at it, bring a baby, and throw it into the fire, and we'd all just laugh.
That's the sort of state the majority of Japanese soldiers were in...
I believe so...

God why is my sister so FUCKING LOUD
Rant
I swear all she does all day is masterbate and masterbate, it sounds like she's mixing mac n cheese and you can hear it throughout the whole fucking house. My mom has been complaining to her but my sister just started going louder and louder. Worst part is my computer is in her room so everyday I have to go in there and see her just fucking DEMOLISHING her pussy, juices flying everywhere! and then i say, "hey maybe out down a towel to keep clean atleast," BUT SHE JUST FUCKING IGNORES ME. I cant stand living here honestly. Yesterday when I went to go use my computer it was absolutely drenched in her juices, and she stained atleast 6 of my shirts by now. And all my friends at school tease me, "haha haha tobias got his sister's grool on his shirt," "girlcum tobias" has become my nickname. I hate it!

"We are trying for a baby!" Oh so you're just rawdogging every night?
And you're telling everyone at the dinnertable including your nan?

how did "the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" become the typical sentence that contains all letters of the alphabet and not
"sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow" which is objectively a million times cooler

I still say octopi because I'm waiting for someone to say "um actually the word octopus is derived from Greek not Latin so the correct plural form is
octopodes" so that I'll get to say
"octopodes nuts"

in order to be born, you needed: 2 parents 4 grandparents 8 great-grandparents 16 second great-grandparents 32 third great-grandparents 64 fourth great-grandparents 128 fifth great-grandparents 256 sixth great-grandparents 512 seventh great-grandparents 1024 eighth great-grandparents 2048 ninth great-grandparents For you to be born today from 12 previous generations you needed a total of 4094 ancestors over the last 400 years. Think for a moment - how many struggles? How many battles?
How many difficulties? How much sadness? How much happiness?
How many love stories? How many expressions of hope for the future?
- did your ancestors have to undergo for you to exist in this present moment, and you want to be a femboy slut

LATIN PHRASES
- YOU SHOULD KNOW -
AD HOC
For this purpose only
CARPE DIEM
Seize the day
CIRCA
Around, approximately
DE FACTO
From the fact
ERGO
Therefore
ET CETERA
And the others
IPSO FACTO
By that very fact
MEA CULPA
My fault
PER SE
Through itself
PRO BONO
Done without charge
STATUS QUO
Existing state of affairs
TERRA INCOGNITA
Unknown land
IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO
In the act of committing a crime
VOX POPULI
The voice of the people

When cooking Kale, try adding some coconut oil. It makes it a lot easier to scrape into the bin

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30

With Ernie furiously masturbating just inches away, Bert finds it difficult to enjoy his book.

I WAS DRINKING A MARGARITA AND THE WAITRESS SCREAMED
"DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?"
I YELLED, "I KNOW THE ENTIRE ALPHABET" AND WE ALL LAUGHED AND LAUGHED. WELL,
EXCEPT ONE GUY.

On Christmas night, the Grinch returned home, where he fell to the ground and died all alone.
For his heart was enlarged-- two sizes at least- and he'd just stuffed his face with three pounds of roast beast.
So, with a sickening "THLUB" his heart it did cease, and now the old Grinch would at last be at peace.

HEY DOOG

"Today is a special day," the man with the yellow har told George at breakfast. "I have a surprise planned and lots to do to get ready. You can help me by staying out of trouble."
George didn't feel like being helpful. He wondered what it would be like to chew off the man's face. George was curious.

All George heard were screams as he bit into the man. George was undeterred by the man's attempts to fight back and took pleasure in finally letting loose the beast that lived within him.
George knew he was not being a good little monkey.

And so, the Rainbow Fish gave one shimmering scale to each of his friends.
Now all of the fish were shiny and bright and beautiful.
Unfortunately, this meant they were easily visible to predators.
The Rainbow Fish had doomed them all.
Natural selection is a cruel mistress.

HI SOM!

"There's a game I play
That Thing One and Two love.
They lie down and look up
While I crumpf from above!"

Chester loved his Kissing Hand. Now he knew his mother's love would go with him wherever he went.
Even to the restroom.

You swerve to avoid a squirrel. Unknown to you, the squirrel pledges a life debt to you. In your darkest hour, the squirrel arrives.

In 1899 Geauga County held the distinct honor of being the largest maple producing county in the entire United States, with 8,002,142 pounds of sugar and syrup! Blessed with an abundance of maple forests, our county residents continue, to this day, to produce the sweet liquid gold that is maple syrup.
The original G.C.H.S. sugarhouse
Ground was broken in 2010 to begin the building that would give tribute to this county's amazing maple history and the people who were part of that history. A one-day Amish "frolic" resulted in the raising and construction of the building's shell. Eight years later (2018), after much further fund-raising and hard work, the Maple Museum was completed.
The building consists of 1/3 working sugarhouse where syrup is produced every spring using sap collected from the maple trees that you see to the southeast. The remaining 2/3 of the building illustrate the history of sugaring and its changing methodology down through the early years. The Geauga County Maple Festival, as well as stories of local producers and distributors, are also featured.

Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. They are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.

I had sex
Trigger Warning
today I had very hot sex(not gay) (with a woman) and it was pretty fun I fucked her pussy(because she is a woman) and she said she enjoyed it a lot (with a female voice because she is a female).
Anyways losing your virginity(to a woman) is very exciting and I hope to do it again(with a woman).

What did charge you?

I got to the office earlier and switched the M and N keys on every keyboard I could. Some in my office will say that I am a monster, but others will say that I am a nomster.

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives a thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you go, little buddy! Today, you should take a moment and send an encouraging message to a fucked up friend, just as I have done. I don't care if you lick windows, or screw farm animals.
You hang in there cupcake, because you're fucking special to me, and you're my friend. Look at you smiling at your phone, you crayon eating motherfucker.

Wassup bitch. Since you had so much to say on the comments let's bring it here into our messages
Audio call
00:23
Pick up the fucking phone hoe. Let's really talk about how I held my fucking urine for 1 hour straight on a vacation I took stupid bitch
Missed audio call
Call back
You can't hold your urine oh the fuck well. I can
CALL ME LETS REALLY
HAVE A DISCUSSION

A History lesson for People that think History doesn't matter:

What's the big deal about railroad tracks?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Well, because that's the way they built them in England, and English engineers designed the first US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

So, why did 'they' use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England . You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And what about the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything and....

CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

Sarah Guzzardo
@MsSarahGuzzardo
What was my favorite "reaction gif" as a child? Oh Timmy no. When I was your age we had to respond in person, immediately, and we had only three choices— tiny violin, slow clap or jerk off motion. That's it. 3 choices. You made the call and you made it fast.

"And I'll tell you who 'her' is: Cassandra Nova. A megalomaniacal, psychotic a-hole.
A finger-licking dead-inside pixie slab of third-rate dime store nut milk," "And I'll tell you what she can do...She can lick my goddamn cinnamon ring clean and kick rocks all the way to bald hell. In fact, I don't give a s
- if she removes all my skin and pops me like some nightmarish blood balloon" "If the last thing I do in this godforsaken c-m gutter existence is light that f- box on fire, I still won't die happy."

"And you can quote me on that"

Food for thought: if the US cut just 2% of its annual defense budget it could afford to construct a colossal obsidian sphere in the San Francisco Bay. On top of the obvious economic benefits, it would be visible throughout all of northern California and emanate an ominous hum!

If you ever feel dumb, just remember that Peppa Pig's family kept a fish tank on top of a television

"Alexa, intruder alert"

ALEXA WILL


Add action


• Turn off all lights


•Turn volume on 100


•Say "so you have chosen death"


•Play "DOOM eternal OST 22- The only thing They fear is you"


•Release every Roomba

COACH
@paycoachk
Taylor Swift got 400 songs about niggas leavin her and 0 songs about suckin dick.... see where I'm goin with this?

"Why can't I play in the abandoned copper mine,
Mommy?"
BECAUSE JOE HART DIDN'T CLEAR OUT THE VAMPIRE DENS.
VOTE IAN KOBE MINE INSPECTOR WRITE IN CANDIDATE

EMISSION CONTROL INFORMATION
BRIGGS & STRATTON, LLC
BRIGGS& STRAITON
Refer to owner's manual for maintenance specs, adjustments, & emissions durability info. This engine meets U.S. EPA and Califomia EXH/EVP SORE regulations for.
Model Year 2023 Displacement: 140cc

How English has changed over the last 1000 years: the 23rd Psalm
Modern (1989)
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He lets me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me to still waters.

King James Bible (1611)
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.

Middle English (1100-1500)
Our Lord gouerneth me, and nothyng shal defailen to me.
In the sted of pastur he sett me ther.
He norissed me upon water of fyllyng.

Old English (800-1066)
Drihten me ract, ne byth me nanes godes wan.
And he me geset on swythe good feohland. And fedde me be wactera stathum.

I HAVE MASTURBATED TO YOU EVERY NIGHT
SINCE I DISCOVERED IT

BUT YOU'RE NOT A MASTER, DON'T YOU MEAN YOU
"PADAWANKED?"

stella barey & @bareybaby
My lifelong dream of double penetration is being realized tomorrow
1:50 PM • 2023-02-28 • 9,314 Views
165 Likes 8 Retweets 1 Quote
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Aldo Litch @AldoLitch • 48m
Sadly mine of universal healthcare seems further and further away. Good luck on the dp.

Some people think about Peppa's fish far too much. https://www.reddit.com/r/Aquariums/comments/1aq9cuc/the_reason_why_id_rather_have_my_child_watch/

To be fair, Bluey is fantastic. It’s the only kids show on Disney+ that I can stomach to watch when my niece and nephew come over.

Bluey is so good. Have you heard the theory that Bluey's dad Bandit (an archeologist - he digs for bones, you see) is an artefacts smuggler? The backdrop to their house is a very affluent suburb in Brisbane. And Bluey's mother works in Customs (like a sniffer dog).

No but that actually tracks. Him having ties to organized crime would explain why all the neighbors just roll with the weird shit their kids do. They’re afraid to cross the Heelers.