RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts Where the MOTHERFUCK is Drz FUCKING Smith?

RACK Cidey!

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."


--

What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
What is a cat's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple!
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.
What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
What is a cat's favourite subject in school? HISStory.
What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
What is the cat's favourite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
What is a cat's favourite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."
What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
What is a cat's favourite car? The Catillac.
What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A Lawn Meower.
Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.

The Doctor: And kindly refrain from addressing me as "Doc", Perpugilliam.

--

Brigadier: I never thought I'd have to fire in anger at a dratted caterpillar.

--

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."


--

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."


---

I guarantee you that no modern story scheme, even plotlessness, will give a reader genuine satisfaction, unless one of those old-fashioned plots is smuggled in somewhere. I don't praise plots as accurate representations of life, but as ways of keeping readers reading. When I used to teach creative writing, I would tell students to make their characters want something, even if it's only a glass of water. Characters paralyzed by the meaningless of modern life still have to drink water from time to time. One of my students wrote a story about a nun who got a piece of dental floss stuck between her lower left molars, and who couldn't get it out all day long. I thought that was wonderful. The story dealt with issues a lot more important than dental floss, but what kept readers going was anxiety about when the dental floss would finally be removed. Nobody could read that story without fishing around in his mouth with a finger.
- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

There is no idea so stupid or hackneyed that a sufficiently-talented writer can't get a good story out of it.
- Lawrence Watt-Evans (for the corollary, see Raymond Feist)

A story isn't about a moment in time, a story is about the moment in time.
- W. D. Wetherell

You know how it is in the kid's book world; it's just bunny eat bunny.
- Anonymous

Character gives us qualities, but it is in actions - what we do - that we are happy or the reverse....All human happiness and misery take the form of action.
- Aristotle

Have something to say, and say it as clearly as you can. That is the only secret.
- Matthew Arnold