so'aight i figured out that im unhappy well life is makeing me unhappy. i mean im happy with my bugoo and everything and today i explained it to him. i wanted to make sure he knows that hes the best thing to my life and im really happy with him. its not him thats making me unhappy.
i feel bad for him lol i mean our whole relationship hasnt exatualy been on the romantic side. also i havent been my self emontionally/mentally. ive been so up and downish all the time. i know he knows and i know he said its okay and he understands but i still feel bad that he has to deal with all my baggage at the moment.
its just there is alot of crap in my life right now and its all pileing up. i dont want him to fix any of it, i dont expect him to.
i know i already talked to you, boo about it today but now im just.. expressing.
the thing is its really nothing i can fix either. im not in the position to do anything about changeing my life. like boo said, ive never had the opurtunites like most kids my age have and hes right! i mean my parents do jack for me and yet they bioch and yell at me when i do, do my own thing. i still do it for the most part but i shouldnt have to worry about my parents (mainly my mother cause my dad is hardly ever around) jumping down my throat.
oi, like this moving out thing. i know my mother is going to have a bird, a cow and probolly a few chickens along with. im worrying my self to peices over it and i shouldnt have to (among other things aswell.)
*sigh* i want to take boos advice i really do and just slow down take it day by day. what he said really tuged at my heart he said "take it day by day cause there will only be one first date, one time we were dateing, one engagement, one today and even though you say you wouldnt miss it, you would. just like im sure a part of you misses being alittle girl where you didnt have any worries. like i know youll miss those times with the other. but just take it as it comes along" or something to that effect.
but gosh is he so right. i mean everything he said its like he looked right in me and saw it, but im having a hard time slowing down. i want to start our lives, im tired of waiting to be happy with someone i love. i know its different this time around but i fear... i so fear things. alot of things i mean nothing that would effect my being with him but still.
i know everything will smooth out eventually, i just have to get over this huge mountian in my way and i will but it'll take time and i so hate time right now.
im usally a very patient person unless its something i know i want. like major not little petty things mind you.
on the up side i got my ex to agree to pay me back, now i just have to get an agreement writin up and that will be that which is a total relief.
