RKMBs Forums .::Important::. off topic and offensive posts If this thread were a "If ____ was ____" kind of thread...

what kind of thread would it be?

I say a shitty one probably started by McGurk

It was insomnia!!

Smile
Uncle Kracker


You´re better then the best
I´m lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow that´s right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me
Lets me know that it´s ok yeah it´s ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed sing like bird
Dizzy in my head spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile

Even when you´re gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed sing like bird
Dizzy in my head spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile

Don´t know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed sing like bird
Dizzy in my head spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh you make me smile

if you you uncle jack was stuck on a donkey would you help your uncle jack , jack off a donkey

If uncle jack helped you off an elephant would you help your Uncle jack off an elephant

if uncle jack helped you off a donkey would you help uncle jack jack off a donkey

if uncle jack helped you off a horse would you help you uncle jack off a horse

if uncle jack was stuck on an elephant would you help your uncle jack off a elephant

COUSIN FUCKER!

. Ever go to camp?

3. Submission:
Muslims believe that those who submit to the will of God, as explained by Muhammad, will be saved and have a place in Paradise after they die. In Paradise believers will experience both spiritual and physical pleasure for all eternity. Those who do not repent and follow God will spend eternity in suffering in Hell. In the Qur'an 98:1-8, it states: "The unbelievers among the People of the Book and the pagans shall burn for ever in the fire of Hell. They are the vilest of all creatures." ("People of the Book" refers to Christians, Jews and Muslims). Islam is susceptible to ethical critiques of the immorality of punishing people for all eternity for a temporal "sin" that may be nothing more than rational, justified disbelief. Islam is also susceptible to arguments against the possibility that physical existence or experience can continue for eternity in a non-physical realm.

Q: What do female Muslims use for birth control?
A: Their faces.

Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a dead horse?
A. It's no fun beating a dead horse.

Q. What's the difference between an American BBQ and an Islamic BBQ?
A. In America, Humans roast animals over a fire. In Islam, it's the other way around.

Q. What do you say to a Muslim with his arm all the way up a camel's rump?
A. "Having car trouble?"

Q. What's the difference between Cindy Sheehan and a terrorist enemy?
A. I don't know either.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Moore and a one ton CARE package?
A. Michael Moore, if sliced real thin, can feed a larger Afghan village.

A grocer once had a daughter born to him. One day a friend of his made a match for his babygirl, and told him the future husband was only one year older than she was.

The grocer discussed this marriage in private with his wife. "Our daughter is just one, the boy's age is the double of hers; when she is twenty and gets married, her husband will be forty," be said. "How do we have the heart to marry off our daughter to such an old husband?"

His wife smiled and said, "You're really dumb. Our daughter is now one year old, in one years time she'll be the same age as the boy, now won't she?"

One day a scholar taught his son to read the Chinese word "one". Soon the boy learnt it by heart.
The next day while the scholar was wiping the table, he happened to write on the table top a "one" with his wet rag to quiz his son. The boy couldn't read it at all.

"This is the word 'one' I taught you to read yesterday, now isn't it?" said the scholar.

"Oh! But how big it has become overnight!" said the boy in surprise.

Aye carumba!

super troopers

Police Chief Grady: Desperation is a stinky cologne

Andrew Johnson

The goal to strive for is a poor government but a rich people."
As quoted in Andrew Johnson, Plebeian and Patriot (1928) by Robert Watson Winston


"Your President is now the Tribune of the people, and, thank God, I am, and intend to assert the power which the people have placed in me... Tyranny and despotism can be exercised by many, more rigorously, more vigorously, and more severely, than by one."
As quoted in Presidential Government in the United States: The Unwritten Constitution (1947) by Caleb Perry Patterson

Civil War Era Humor

NO HONOR... During a battle, a Captain observed that one of the soldiers of his regiment was not shooting at an enemy soldier that had dropped his musket and was running away. When the battle was over the captain sought out the soldier and asked him why he did not shoot at the retreating enemy soldier. He replied, " When that soldier decided to run away, he marked himself as a coward and has to live with the decision all his life. If I had shot him I would have shortened his burden and also there is no honor in shooting a man that is not facing you."

Theory Of A Deadman
Bad Girlfriend


My Girlfriend's a dick magnet
My Girlfriend got a have it
She's hot, can't stop, up on stage, doing shots,
Tip the man he'll ring the bell, get her drunk she'll scream like hell
Dirty girl, gettin' down, dance with guys from outta town
Grab her ass, actin' tough
Mess with her, she'll fuck you up
No one really knows if she's drunk or if she's stoned,
But she's comin' back to my place tonight

She likes to shake her ass she grinds it to the beat
She likes to pull my hair when I make her grind her teeth
I like to strip her down she's naughty till the end
You know what she is, no doubt about it
She's a bad, bad girlfriend

Red thong, party's on,
Love this song, sing along
Come together, leave alone, see you later back at home
No one really knows if she's drunk or if she's stoned
But she's coming back to my place tonight. I say
No one really knows just how far she's gonna go,
But I'm gonna find out later tonight.

She likes to shake her ass she grinds it to the beat
She likes to pull my hair when I make her grind her teeth
I like to strip her down she's naughty till the end
You know what she is, no doubt about it
She's a bad, bad girlfriend

Doesn't take her long to make things right
But does it make her wrong to have the time of her life?
The time of her life

(My girlfriend's a dick magnet My girlfriend's gotta have it)

She's a gold digger now you figure out it's over, pull the trigger
Futures finished, there it went, savings gone
The money spent

I look around and all I see is, no good, bad and ugly
Man she's hot and fixed to be, the future
Ex-Miss Connolly!

She likes to shake her ass she grinds it to the beat
She likes to pull my hair when I make her grind her teeth
I like to strip her down she's naughty till the end
You know what she is, no doubt about it
She's a bad, bad girlfriend

She's a bad, bad girlfriend
She's a bad, bad girlfriend

Ford Fairlane:
So many a**holes, so few bullets.
-----
Ford Fairlane:
Write down my number, it's 555-6321, got it?
A woman:
Yeah. Wait a minute, 5-5-5's not a real number, they only use that in the movies.
Ford Fairlane:
No sh**, honey. What do you think this is, real life?
-----
Ford Fairlane:
Have a Twinkee, snapperhead.
-----
Ford Fairlane:
I've heard cats fu** with more harmony than this kid.
-----
Girl:
Ford, we just needed to be held!
Ford Fairlane:
You got the bonus plan.
-----
Ford Fairlane:
I'm so terrifical, I even had my own toll-free number: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.
-----
Ford Fairlane:
Nice tie, Lt. Anus, sir.
Lt. Amos:
Are you calling me an a**hole, a**hole?
Ford Fairlane:
I'm calling you an anus, anus. But, if you prefer.
-----
Ford Fairlane:
Now you pay . . . it's called Citizen's Castration.
-----
Ford Fairlane:
Top of the world, ma!
-----
Tourist:
We're from Wisconsin.
Ford Fairlane:
Yeah, and I'm from my dad's penis. Get outta here.
-----
Johnny Crunch:
Guys like you, you do grow on trees.
-----
Ford Fairlane:
Shake me, Jazz.
-----
Ford Fairlane:
You're just in time to see what I refer to as: solving the case. It's cute. I think you'll like it

I just passed Lothar in post count!

George Washington did not have wooden teeth. According to a study of Washington's four known dentures by a forensic anthropologist from the University of Pittsburgh (in collaboration with the National Museum of Dentistry, itself associated with the Smithsonian Museum), the dentures were made of gold, hippopotamus ivory, lead, and human and animal teeth (including horse and donkey teeth).

Ways To Know You Are In Love
The most common but most important feeling is the indescribable butterflies in your stomach.
When you can’t stop thinking about the person despite all your efforts, you may be in love. When the mention of the name is enough to bring a smile to your face, then you may have fallen in love.
When you start caring for the person more than you even care for yourself. However, there is a very thin line between caring about a person and actually loving a person. So interpret the feelings before you express your love.
One sure-fire factor is that you care for him/her like a family or even more than a family and you feel happy when your partner is happy. Actually, love is feeling of oneness and when you start enjoying the joys of your partner, you should know you are in love.
You feel corny and you can talk to him/her endlessly without getting bored. When it is just a crush, you would get bored after a while. In addition, when you are in love, you would remember even silly things about your partner.
When you are in love, you feel fiercely protective about your partner and you feel proud of them.
It is truly said that when you are in love, you have no eye for anyone other than each other. If you don’t even mind general PDA that is public display of affection like holding hands etc, then you may surely be in love.
If you feel, you can do anything or everything for him/her than you may be in love.
If you accept your partner as he/she is and doesn’t wish any change in him/her and even a gross habit doesn’t disgust you, then you surely may be in love.
If you just play online love quiz and read his/her horoscope, then you may be in love. When your heart skips a beat every time you see him/her you may have fallen in love

Back in 1998, Newt Gingrich was having a helluva lot of fun attacking the moral shortcomings of then-President Bill Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
As Speaker of the House, Gingrich led the charge to oust Clinton from office. The ensuing impeachment proceedings were baldly partisan, but Gingrich had been doing his best to paint the Democratic party as a pack of anti-family sinners since the early '90s. During the 1992 Democratic National Convention, Gingrich used Woody Allen as an example of the average Dem.
But what Newt wasn't telling people in 1998 was that Clinton wasn't the only one seeing other women. Gingrich himself was cheating on his wife of 17 years, Marianne Ginther, during the proceedings.

It turns out Mr. Family Values had been seeing Callista Bisek, a woman 23 years his junior, behind his wife's back. But that's OK. You see Gingrich would make an honest woman of Bisek in the end. In 2000, Gingrich divorced Marianne, and married his third wife, Callista. But Newt doesn't think any of this is hypocrtical (ABC News). He says Clinton was in the wrong because he committed perjury by lying under oath about the Lewinsky affair during the Paula Jones sexual harrassment proceedings. Never mind that Newt had no issues with attacking Clinton on purely ethical grounds, at least he didn't perjure himself

Mayor James West, AKA Cobra82 on Gay.com

James E. West The James E. West scandal is a classic case of things looking much worse than they really are.

The Republican mayor of Spokane, WA, led a closeted gay life until he was outed by local newspaper, the Spokesman Review, which nailed West in a sting operation that raised ethical questions for journalists all over the country.

In 2003, the Spokesman Review was investigating West and his connection to accused child molester David A. Hahn. West and Hahn were friends and fellow police officers who worked together as troop leaders for the Boy Scouts of America. Hahn committed suicide in 1981 after allegations surfaced that he had been molesting Boy Scouts.

After 18 months, Spokesman Review reporter Bill Morlin had found no evidence that West had ever engaged in any sexual activity with any of the boys. But he did find something else: Gay.com user Cobra82.

If what was printed in the newspaper and said on the radio [were] true, I'd abandon me. I'd say, 'How could I be near this person?' But I knew that it wasn't and the majority of my friends did too.
- James E. West to PBS Frontline
The newspaper hired a private investigator to set up a fake Gay.com account that it used to lure West to a meeting at a golf course. In 2005, the paper ran with a story in which former Boy Scout Robert J. Galliher accused West of molesting him, and also revealed what it had learned through its Gay.com sting.

West confirmed that he had met men through the Internet, using usernames Cobra82 and Right-BiGuy on Gay.com, but he denied that he had ever done anything illegal. The FBI launched an investigation into West, who soon became the first mayor in Spokane's history to be voted out of office.

Following its investigation, the FBI cleared West of all charges February 16, 2006, just 5 months before he would die of pancreatic cancer.

46. "A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart." - Jonathan Swift

47. "He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days." - Anonymous

9. "Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money." - Jackie Mason

10. "If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting." - Ben Franklin