Flaming Tables Match
Sudden Death Connection - Captain Sammitch/Chewy Walrus vs. Dark Lords - Pig Iron/Spandex Monkey Man
<Sirens blare throughout the CheeseDome, fading into 'Countdown to Armageddon' as Pig Iron and Spandex Monkey Man make their way to the ring amid a decidedly mixed reaction from the crowd...>
Marcum: Here they come! This is gonna be a bloodbath, Mike!
<Pig Iron strikes a pose in the middle of the ring as SPAMM clambers to the top rope and poses amid the cheers - and laughter - of the crowd...>
Monroe: We're in for one hell of a match, folks!
Marcum: Flaming tables!
<Fat Retard, sitting in the third chair, mumbles something unintelligible as he crams more McDonald's fries into his mouth...>
<'Let's Get it Started' hits and the crowd goes ballistic as Captain Sammitch and Chewy Walrus head down the ramp, stopping short of the apron. The two tag teams stare each other down for a long moment. Finally, Sammitch nods to Chewy and makes his way into the ring. Pig Iron motions to SPAMM, who slides down out of the ring - and immediately charges over toward Chewy!>
Monroe: What's he doing? The match hasn't even started yet!
<Pig Iron and Sammitch come out of their corners, and James White rings the bell...>
Marcum: It has now, Mike!
Pig Iron whips Sammitch into the ropes, but Sammitch dodges him on the rebound. Pig Iron lands a few punches before Sammitch blocks him and answers back with a hard chop across the chest. Pig Iron staggers back for a moment, but recovers quickly and throws a hard right at Sammitch. Sammitch rolls with the punch but is still knocked off balance. Pig Iron whips him into the ropes and then connects with the Iron Cross!
Marcum: Good Gob!
Fat Retard: Double Quarter Pounder!
Meanwhile, Spandex is letting fly with flurry upon flurry of punches outside the ring, but they barely faze the much bigger Chewy. Chewy finally tires of SPAMM and shoves him across the apron. SPAMM tumbles over the steel ring steps, but scrambles to his feet and dashes over to Pig Iron's corner.
In the ring, Sammitch is still trying to regain his rhythm after the Iron Cross. Pig Iron tags SPAMM in, who charges in and throws a few quick punches. Sammitch whips him into the ropes, and SPAMM tries to tangle Sammitch up for the Evilplex...
Monroe: Bad idea...
Sure enough, Sammitch reverses the hold and throws Spandex for a series of Sammitch Suplexes! The crowd counts along excitedly:
ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE!
After the fifth suplex, Sammitch flings SPAMM across the ring and tags Chewy in. SPAMM frantically crawls for the corner and manages to tag Pig Iron in at the last possible instant. SPAMM scurries around toward the announcer's table...
Monroe: What the hell does he want over here?
Marcum: Who cares? He's crazy! Get outta the way!
SPAMM comes around the table and shoves Fat Retard out of his chair to the floor. Fat Retard doesn't miss a chew or drop a single fry, and keeps munching, thoroughly oblivious. Spandex folds the chair up and heads back toward the ring.
Meanwhile, Pig Iron is on the defensive. He tries to whip Chewy into the ropes, but Chewy reverses and flings Pig Iron at them full-tilt. Pig Iron rebounds awkwardly but recovers his balance just in time to be met by the Walrus Wallop! Pig Iron hits the mat hard, and Chewy seizes the opportunity to follow up with his Wrecking Ball leg drop!
Marcum: Buhgawb!
Sammitch rummages around beneath the ring and fishes out a table. He hefts it onto the edge of the mat and pushes it about halfway into the ring when SPAMM comes up behind him with the chair...
Monroe: Watch out!
SPAMM swings the chair with all his might, but Sammitch dodges him and SPAMM misses completely, bringing the chair down onto the protruding half of the table with a tremendous CLANG!!!
Marcum: GOOD GOB!!
Fat Retard: I need another order!
The chair bends slightly under the impact, and SPAMM staggers back, rattled. Pig Iron is slowly getting to his feet, but Chewy is distracted by the racket outside the ring and turns around to see what's going on. Sammitch pushes the table the rest of the way into the ring, but as he turns around Spandex swings the chair again! This time, Sammitch isn't quite able to dodge the chair completely, and SPAMM wings him with the blow, sending him tumbling into the barrier around the apron. Chewy turns around just in time for Pig Iron to lock him up for the Pork U!
Monroe: No way! He can't!
It takes a supreme force of will, but Pig Iron executes the Pork U perfectly and drops Chewy to the mat.
Marcum: I don't believe it, Mike Monroe!
SPAMM grabs a can of gasoline from beneath the ring and slides under the ropes. As Chewy gets to his feet, Spandex drops the can and dashes over in time to execute The Dark Clown!
Marcum: Dark Clown! Dark Clown!
SPAMM and Pig Iron hurriedly set the table up at one end of the ring. SPAMM opens the gas can and douses the table, then strikes a match and begins dancing and jabbering madly as the table bursts into flames!
Fat Retard: Drop toe hold!
Chewy manages to gather himself to his feet, but Pig Iron whips him into the ropes again. As Chewy rebounds back toward Pig Iron and the flaming table, Pig Iron gets into position, then catches Chewy and body presses him into the air!
Marcum: BUHGAWB!
Monroe: This could be it!
Unfortunately, Pig Iron doesn't have quite enough in him to put Chewy through the table, but Chewy's shirt catches fire and he drops to the mat, rolling around frantically trying to put it out. SPAMM goes after him but is intercepted by a Sammitch Spin kick and crumples to the mat, rolling out of the ring and onto the apron. Sammitch starts to go after Spandex but turns to help Chewy. Neither of them notices Pig Iron climbing to the top rope carrying SPAMM's chair until the crowd starts clamoring frantically. Pig Iron vaults off the top rope with the chair into the Swine-A-Sault!
Marcum: Look out below!!!
Sammitch leaps to the mat and rolls out of the way, but Pig Iron manages to catch Sammitch's left leg and Chewy's torso! Chewy is out cold and Sammitch is limping a little, but the impact has obviously devastated Pig Iron. Desperate to buy time for his tag partner, SPAMM dashes into the ring and starts throwing a flurry of punches at Sammitch. Sammitch is slow to hit back, and the crowd begins cheering for him to get back into the fight. Suddenly, Sammitch blocks one of SPAMM's punches and answers back with a quick chop that staggers Spandex. The crowd roars as Sammitch goes on the offensive with a series of quick strikes. Pig Iron finally gets to his feet, and the duo starts double-teaming Sammitch! They whip him into the ropes, but as he rebounds Sammitch leaps into the air and connects...
Monroe: Flying double clothesline!!!
SPAMM drops to the mat, stunned. Sammitch drops to his knees in the middle of the ring in obvious pain. Pig Iron crawls around the flaming table and clambers up the turnbuckle to the top rope. Sammitch sees him... and starts climbing up the same turnbuckle!
Marcum: Good Gob, Mike!
Monroe: This is insanity! Someone's going to get seriously hurt!
Despite their injuries, Pig Iron and Sammitch keep slugging it out atop the turnbuckle. Both men are bloodied. Chewy Walrus lies unconscious in the center of the ring. Spandex Monkey Man finally manages to roll out of the ring, but he isn't getting up from the arena floor. The crowd is on its feet as Pig Iron sets Sammitch up for a finisher. Suddenly, Pig Iron's grip slips! Without hesitation, Sammitch reverses the move and launches the two of them off the turnbuckle!
Monroe: SAMMITCH SLAM!!!
Sammitch powerbombs Pig Iron through the flaming table!
Monroe: It's over!
James White rings the bell, and the crowd goes ballistic as 'Let's Get it Started' blares over the speakers. Sammitch raises both arms and acknowledges the cheering crowd, then staggers over to where Chewy is just now coming to.
Marcum: Watch out for Spandex!
An enraged SPAMM rushes over to the smashed table and wrenches a leg off it! He starts to clamber into the ring when suddenly, someone comes charging down the ramp!
Monroe: Who the hell is he?!?
The mystery man is dressed in fire-engine-red spandex, with blue boots and a blue cape and mask! For reasons unknown, a blue ferret is emblazoned on his chest. Cackling maniacally, he charges up to SPAMM and spears him into the ring steps!
Marcum: That looks like Sammitch's other college roommate!
Monroe: It is! It's Killconey!
Killconey and SPAMM slug it out on the apron while Sammitch helps Chewy to his feet. Suddenly, the music cuts off as the CheeseDome goes dark. "Cemetary Gates" begins to play.
Monroe: My Gob! No! Not now! Not now, dammit!
MarcuM: This isn't good for the SDC!
Grimm and Darth slide into the ring and stand face to face with Chewy and Sammitch. After a moment, the Dark Lords begin pounding on their former allies without mercy. Pig Iron staggers back up and joins in the assault.
Monroe: This is a mugging!
Rob's Killer Instinct Ripoff Music begins to play as the Allied Powers run down to ringside and join in the fray!
Monroe: BUHGAWB!!! The Allied Powers have joined the battle!
MarcuM: Way to go, JLA!!!
"Kickstart My Heart" cues up as Nowhereman runs in as well, targeting JLA and Howdy! He chases JLA off with a chair, but Howdy catches him from behind with a running bulldog!
Darth catches JLA outside the ring with a choke hold! Sammitch attempts to join in, but Darth catches him as well!
Monroe: They're brawling all across the arena!
At that moment, "Faded" cues up as the fans go into a frenzy!
Monroe: It's Joe Mama!
Joe Mama appears on the rampway and holds up the Big Cheese title. He drops the belt and runs down to ringside, sliding into the ring.
He and Grimm walk up to each other, standing nose to nose as the various combatants pause to give them room and move out of the way.
Monroe: We're out of time! We're out of time!
MarcuM: No, dammit! I want to see 'em fight!
Monroe: We'll see you on Halloween!
Havoc fades out as Joe Mama and Grimm step back and begin to throw punches. . .
