I used to write at 130 words a minute. Now it's more like 50.
Prospect of Whitby public house, 7:15pm November 2nd 2003.
The Landlord is sitting on the wrong side of the bar, chatting up some German woman.
Landlord: "This is the oldest pub in London."
German woman: "The oldest pub on the waterfront."
Landlord: "No, it's the oldest pub in London."
A man at the bar puts on his jacket, accidentally raising his T-shirt and revealing his massive beer gut.
Landlord: "Did you have to uncover that?"
Landlord: "It's like an advert for Pirelli."
The man makes to leave.
Landlord: "Bye bye darling."
Man: "I haven't gone yet."
Landlord: "Don't come back, piss off."
Man: "Buy a round and I'll stay."
Landlord: "Ta da, see you tomorrow."
The man is almost out the door.
Landlord: "Are you on a promise tonight or something?"
Man leaves.
Man returns.
Landlord: "Oh fuck it, you're back again. Make up your mind. You're worse than a fiddler's elbow."
Man 2: "He's like a girl."
Landlord: "Yeah, not a very attractive one."
Man 3: "What's a fiddler's elbow?"
Landlord: "Back and forth, back and forth."
A middle-aged man and a much younger woman enter the establishment.
Middle-aged man: "We've come to spend money in your bar and you're just sitting here."
Landlord: "Good evening Madam, it's a pleasure" gets up off of the barstool and ceremoniously kisses the girl's hand "It's a pleasure Madam."
Middle-aged man: "What's the food like this evening?"
Landlord: "Wonderful."
Middle-aged man: "That's your opinion."
Landlord: "It's the only opinion that matters in here."
Man 4: Playing on the slot machine with his girlfriend. "That's not going to win, that won't pay."
Man 4: "One special."
Man 4: "Two nudges then. They're normal nudges."
Man 4: "Boost."
Man 4: "Four quid. We're staying there? Four quid up?"
Machine pays out.
