My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -- Rita Rudner
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" -- Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. -- Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -- -- -- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. -- Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -- -- -- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -- Sue Kolinsky
I think --therefore I'm single. -- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." -- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." -- Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." -- Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Gloria Steinem
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." -- -- Katharine Hepburn
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -- Marie Corelli
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
